Greenware

[alonso ramoran]

Greenware


Deprived of contact, blessed be the cold
damp dark---an inner warmth has been renewed
before the setting heat and gentle hold

of humankind was felt and misconstrued
as knowledge of the self. I am no more
abandoned than the grief that I subdued,

so eager to reverberate in lore
by my collapse that I could not conceive
my previous being as a distant shore.

Creation seeks creation, seeks to grieve
that memory beyond the fading mind.
Yet slow deforming offers no reprieve

from questioning the gentle hand's unkind
forsaking of believers it designed.

[dukealien]

Greenware


Deprived of contact, blessed be the cold
damp dark---an inner warmth has been renewed
before the setting heat and gentle hold  "hold" may not quite be the right word here, perhaps chosen for rhyme.

of humankind was felt and misconstrued
as knowledge of the self. I am no more    First sentence ending here:  interesting idea, does one know oneself from knowing others?
abandoned than the grief that I subdued,   a complex construction here, beginning with the suggestive "I am no more..." immediately redirected

so eager to reverberate in lore
by my collapse that I could not conceive   rather be dead than not famous?  Again, measuring self by others, an idea implicitly disdained
my previous being as a distant shore.  "previous" is more exact than "former," but must be slurred to fit the meter

Creation seeks creation, seeks to grieve  again, "grieve" is hard to interpret here as a transitive verb - perhaps chosen for rhyme
that memory beyond the fading mind.  
Yet slow deforming offers no reprieve  not quite the word here - excused from what duty or sentence?  
                                                          "relief" perhaps, with "belief" instead of "grieve?"

from questioning the gentle hand's unkind  okay, the final couplet makes sense
forsaking of believers it designed.  God (or the maker) lays aside His creation carelessly and (implied) unjustly.  Key word:  "believers."

In mild to moderate critique, I take this to be a meditation on the human condition , referring to the creation of Adam from clay ("greenware" when not yet fired).

The poem raises interesting points, but some of them seem a little obscured by the words chosen (one suspects) partly to rhyme.  It could be interpreted, crudely, as a complaint that one has been set aside, incomplete, with only others for direction on what to be and do.  And only gaining their interest and respect - entering the lore - gives a clue about whether one is doing it right.

I've probably not penetrated the full intent or message of the poem, but hope these few suggestions will help in making it clearer.  As it stands, it is nicely composed and pleasant to read.

[RiverNotch]

Greenware


Deprived of contact, blessed be the cold
damp dark---an inner warmth has been renewed Up to "damp dark" is a very full image.
before the setting heat and gentle hold Echoing the previous critique, "hold" doesn't feel quite right, but I have no idea what the possible alternatives could be, considering the form.

of humankind was felt and misconstrued
as knowledge of the self. I am no more First sentence: I get a similar thought as the previous critique. Here maybe it'd be useful to distinguish between knowledge, wisdom, and understanding, because somehow I do think to know others is to know oneself, just as one could be so stellar a student of Shakespeare yet so inept with their personal matters at the same time---that is, one could have much knowledge yet little wisdom. So maybe rather than "knowledge of the self", better to say something closer to "wisdom"? "and misconstrued / as judgement founded well"? "as wisdom practical"? You can probably think of something better.
abandoned than the grief that I subdued, "I am no more abandoned than the grief that I subdued" is so darn fresh.

so eager to reverberate in lore
by my collapse that I could not conceive Not quite getting the sense here. "so eager to reverberate in lore by my collapse"? "to reverberate in lore" makes sense to me, as in "to sound off much poetry" or "to be famous for my work", but not quite sure how it should relate to "my collapse", or even what "collapse" here actually means. The next line might be a hint---"previous being" referring to the earth, "collapse" thus referring to one passing back into the earth---but maybe "by my collapse" could be reworded, choosing sharper synonyms both for "by" and "collapse".
my previous being as a distant shore.

Creation seeks creation, seeks to grieve
that memory beyond the fading mind,
yet slow deforming offers no reprieve Slight repunctuation. Another stanza with a very stellar sense.

from questioning the gentle hand's unkind
forsaking of believers it designed. This feels a little incomplete, not in thought necessarily but in form. Usually terza rima ends with an ABAB quatrain, not an AA couplet, and everything else is so polished---the overall sentiment, too, is so full---that the sudden shift in form feels less like a deliberate choice and more like the author struggled to think up two extra lines. Hopefully you manage to "complete" this.