The Conversation

[Bushberry18]

Hello - I am new to the group and would welcome feedback. This is a poem that I have already drafted a number of times from the original. If its helpful I can post the original. Thank you for taking time to read. 

Flatness and fatigue, a vacancy where you sat.
To be blunt, I don’t want this.
Leftovers hidden under overcooked greens
harder to swallow when cold.
Here I am plucking on invisible strings
because we are ever connected.
Strains on the tiny thread.
I wish you were here, not just in my head.
 
Kaleidoscope shows that open all hours
a front row seat that’s ticketless.
I saved you a place; just encase you came.
OK. Black tape rolling.
Are you ignoring me?
Do you remember our chat?
I was that woman, the floppy straw hat.
 
Miles upon miles, stretched
grey sand, you were never a fan.
It’s so bloody cold. Incandescent, my heart.
Pools of salt water, old memories cleaned.
She was sooo beautiful and so were you.
Grit and the silt and the sound of the sea
I am just asking now, let’s let things be.

[wasellajam]

Hi, welcome to the Pen! It's clear you've put effort into this, particularly the strong images and effective breaks. I've put some notes on my read below for you to consider.

Hello - I am new to the group and would welcome feedback. This is a poem that I have already drafted a number of times from the original. If its helpful I can post the original. Thank you for taking time to read. 

Flatness and fatigue, a vacancy where you sat. A strong opener, the narrator is exhausted.
To be blunt, I don’t want this. I would not miss this line if it was cut.
Leftovers hidden under overcooked greens Another strong line.
harder to swallow when cold.
Here I am plucking on invisible strings Possibly "I pluck on..."
because we are ever connected.
Strains on the tiny thread.
I wish you were here, not just in my head. I'd love to see these two lines somehow connected.
 
Kaleidoscope shows that open all hours I can't reconcile this line.
a front row seat that’s ticketless. Clear and nicely said, I think you could comma and lose "I saved you a place."
I saved you a place; just encase you came. in case?
OK. Black tape rolling. Recording?
Are you ignoring me?
Do you remember our chat? Meh on these two questions.
I was that woman, the floppy straw hat. I don't get this reference.
 
Miles upon miles, stretched
grey sand, you were never a fan.
It’s so bloody cold. Incandescent, my heart.
Pools of salt water, old memories cleaned. These for lines are not as successful for me, the images don't mesh and L4 cliche on cliche.
She was sooo beautiful and so were you. This line adds to the whole picture.
Grit and the silt and the sound of the sea
I am just asking now, let’s let things be. I feel like you were leading me somewhere with the line above but this line didn't take me there.

So it's mostly the last strophe that I have a problem with. I've put a lot of comments in for the Novice workshop but I hope a few help. Thanks for posting this, I hope you enjoy the site.

[RiverNotch]

Flatness and fatigue, a vacancy where you sat.
To be blunt, I don’t want this.

L2 takes me out of this instantly, which is a shame: for a second line to a piece that is ultimately not that dramatic, it is way too blunt. I see the potential revision being a colon to cap L1, then L2 properly developing what came before.

Strains on the tiny thread.
I wish you were here, not just in my head.

Colon to cap L7 probably better. L8 being so blunt is better, because it comes at the end of the stanza.

Kaleidoscope shows that open all hours
a front row seat that’s ticketless.

Comma at the end of L9.

I saved you a place; just encase you came.
OK. Black tape rolling.

Comma, not semicolon. "in case", not "encase". 

L12 makes me think this is whole work refers to the movie The Conversation, but it's been ages since I saw it, so I can't connect it much further.

Are you ignoring me?
Do you remember our chat?

Another couple of lines that take me out of the overall work. The obsessiveness being freshly delivered here is just too blunt, with no real build up from the previous lines.

I was that woman, the floppy straw hat.

Again, I wonder if this image is taken directly from the movie....but I do like it, since it's a proper image.
 
Miles upon miles, stretched
grey sand, you were never a fan.

"you were never a fan" is where the work starts to lose me again, as it refers to a depth of conversation that just isn't in the previous lines. What actually works in all the previous lines are the images, filtered through the gaze of the speaker (or what the speaker imagines to be their partner's gaze), while all prior snatches of conversation are exactly those lines I wish reworked/removed.

It’s so bloody cold. Incandescent, my heart.
Pools of salt water, old memories cleaned.

"bloody" feels unwarranted here.

She was sooo beautiful and so were you.
Grit and the silt and the sound of the sea

"OK" is used enough that it can fit a more formal register, but "sooo" still only exists in chatrooms and texts, so it's jarring to see here. Missing punctuation after "sea", but honestly, not sure what to suggest, because...

I am just asking now, let’s let things be.

...this whole final stanza dissolves into this murky soup of almost random words and images to me, rather than builds to a proper emotional head. To illustrate, the final phrase, "let's let things be": doesn't that very first line, "a vacancy where you sat", imply that there is no "us" anymore, that the speaker is just reminiscing alone? It makes no sense as an ending.

Overall, I'm basically an echo here. There's a few lines in stanzas 1 and 2 that are obviously flawed, but those should be easy enough to fix, while stanza 3 needs a wholesale revision. Happy editing, and welcome to the site.

[Bushberry18]

Hi, welcome to the Pen! It's clear you've put effort into this, particularly the strong images and effective breaks. I've put some notes on my read below for you to consider.

Hello - I am new to the group and would welcome feedback. This is a poem that I have already drafted a number of times from the original. If its helpful I can post the original. Thank you for taking time to read. 

Flatness and fatigue, a vacancy where you sat. A strong opener, the narrator is exhausted.
To be blunt, I don’t want this. I would not miss this line if it was cut.
Leftovers hidden under overcooked greens Another strong line.
harder to swallow when cold.
Here I am plucking on invisible strings Possibly "I pluck on..."
because we are ever connected.
Strains on the tiny thread.
I wish you were here, not just in my head. I'd love to see these two lines somehow connected.
 
Kaleidoscope shows that open all hours I can't reconcile this line.
a front row seat that’s ticketless. Clear and nicely said, I think you could comma and lose "I saved you a place."
I saved you a place; just encase you came. in case?
OK. Black tape rolling. Recording?
Are you ignoring me?
Do you remember our chat? Meh on these two questions.
I was that woman, the floppy straw hat. I don't get this reference.
 
Miles upon miles, stretched
grey sand, you were never a fan.
It’s so bloody cold. Incandescent, my heart.
Pools of salt water, old memories cleaned. These for lines are not as successful for me, the images don't mesh and L4 cliche on cliche.
She was sooo beautiful and so were you. This line adds to the whole picture.
Grit and the silt and the sound of the sea
I am just asking now, let’s let things be. I feel like you were leading me somewhere with the line above but this line didn't take me there.

So it's mostly the last strophe that I have a problem with. I've put a lot of comments in for the Novice workshop but I hope a few help. Thanks for posting this, I hope you enjoy the site.

---

Hi, welcome to the Pen! It's clear you've put effort into this, particularly the strong images and effective breaks. I've put some notes on my read below for you to consider.

Hello - I am new to the group and would welcome feedback. This is a poem that I have already drafted a number of times from the original. If its helpful I can post the original. Thank you for taking time to read. 

Flatness and fatigue, a vacancy where you sat. A strong opener, the narrator is exhausted.
To be blunt, I don’t want this. I would not miss this line if it was cut.
Leftovers hidden under overcooked greens Another strong line.
harder to swallow when cold.
Here I am plucking on invisible strings Possibly "I pluck on..."
because we are ever connected.
Strains on the tiny thread.
I wish you were here, not just in my head. I'd love to see these two lines somehow connected.
 
Kaleidoscope shows that open all hours I can't reconcile this line.
a front row seat that’s ticketless. Clear and nicely said, I think you could comma and lose "I saved you a place."
I saved you a place; just encase you came. in case?
OK. Black tape rolling. Recording?
Are you ignoring me?
Do you remember our chat? Meh on these two questions.
I was that woman, the floppy straw hat. I don't get this reference.
 
Miles upon miles, stretched
grey sand, you were never a fan.
It’s so bloody cold. Incandescent, my heart.
Pools of salt water, old memories cleaned. These for lines are not as successful for me, the images don't mesh and L4 cliche on cliche.
She was sooo beautiful and so were you. This line adds to the whole picture.
Grit and the silt and the sound of the sea
I am just asking now, let’s let things be. I feel like you were leading me somewhere with the line above but this line didn't take me there.

So it's mostly the last strophe that I have a problem with. I've put a lot of comments in for the Novice workshop but I hope a few help. Thanks for posting this, I hope you enjoy the site.

***************************************************************************************************************************************************


Thank you for your feedback – I will certainly take all the points into consideration for my re-draft. I was thinking to make a 4th stanza, this might be helpful for the reader, but a more in depth look at the final stanza will help me determine this.

I was thinking to post the re-draft in the more detailed critic, what do you think?

Thank you again for taking time to help.

---

[quote="Bushberry18" pid='280742' dateline='1778584044']
Flatness and fatigue, a vacancy where you sat.
To be blunt, I don’t want this.

L2 takes me out of this instantly, which is a shame: for a second line to a piece that is ultimately not that dramatic, it is way too blunt. I see the potential revision being a colon to cap L1, then L2 properly developing what came before.

Strains on the tiny thread.
I wish you were here, not just in my head.

Colon to cap L7 probably better. L8 being so blunt is better, because it comes at the end of the stanza.

Kaleidoscope shows that open all hours
a front row seat that’s ticketless.

Comma at the end of L9.

I saved you a place; just encase you came.
OK. Black tape rolling.

Comma, not semicolon. "in case", not "encase". 

L12 makes me think this is whole work refers to the movie The Conversation, but it's been ages since I saw it, so I can't connect it much further.

Are you ignoring me?
Do you remember our chat?

Another couple of lines that take me out of the overall work. The obsessiveness being freshly delivered here is just too blunt, with no real build up from the previous lines.

I was that woman, the floppy straw hat.

Again, I wonder if this image is taken directly from the movie....but I do like it, since it's a proper image.
 
Miles upon miles, stretched
grey sand, you were never a fan.

"you were never a fan" is where the work starts to lose me again, as it refers to a depth of conversation that just isn't in the previous lines. What actually works in all the previous lines are the images, filtered through the gaze of the speaker (or what the speaker imagines to be their partner's gaze), while all prior snatches of conversation are exactly those lines I wish reworked/removed.

It’s so bloody cold. Incandescent, my heart.
Pools of salt water, old memories cleaned.

"bloody" feels unwarranted here.

She was sooo beautiful and so were you.
Grit and the silt and the sound of the sea

"OK" is used enough that it can fit a more formal register, but "sooo" still only exists in chatrooms and texts, so it's jarring to see here. Missing punctuation after "sea", but honestly, not sure what to suggest, because...

I am just asking now, let’s let things be.

...this whole final stanza dissolves into this murky soup of almost random words and images to me, rather than builds to a proper emotional head. To illustrate, the final phrase, "let's let things be": doesn't that very first line, "a vacancy where you sat", imply that there is no "us" anymore, that the speaker is just reminiscing alone? It makes no sense as an ending.

Overall, I'm basically an echo here. There's a few lines in stanzas 1 and 2 that are obviously flawed, but those should be easy enough to fix, while stanza 3 needs a wholesale revision. Happy editing, and welcome to the site.

************************************************************************************************************************************************

Hello
 
Thank you for your detailed and helpful feedback – I will certainly take all the points into consideration while re-drafting.
 
I have never seen or heard of the movie, sounds like I would probably enjoy it!
 
The poem is about grief and feeds into the recent death of my Father and our relationship; I also reference to missing my deceased Mother. I was not sure if I needed to make this obvious as I believe poetry should be on some level, a form of personal interpretation. The relationships could be varying to whom was reading.   I think looking at the notes, some of my references are too personal to me and therefore not understood by the reader. I will look more into this, so thank you.
 
I would welcome your thoughts on a re-draft once completed.
 
Many thanks

[wasellajam]

I was thinking to post the re-draft in the more detailed critic, what do you think?

You could continue to work on it here, the critique lines are a bit blurred and at this point in time generally follow the poem. We usually stick to a one thread per poem rule but if you'd like the thread moved to a different workshop just contact a mod and they will usually be happy to do it for you.

---

Ha, when I posted my critique I forgot to mention that I didn't really understand the title, then I read river's comment and thought "Wow, maybe I missed the film references", I also have not seen it recently. Then I read your comment that you hadn't seen it. I love this site, the varied views are so valuable. It will be interesting to reread it with your comments in mind, looking forward to the edit.