Watching cars drive by.

[JamesG]

Second draft. I lost the part about the jewelled insects (although I might bring it back)


Watching cars drive by.



It was a very Seventies light.
The trees wore it like a mantle,
a hint, a tint, of Naples yellow,
a yellow like painted honey.

An old car drove by,
as cars are wont to do,
not the old that I remember,
the cars of my dreaming.
Allegro, Grenada, Fiesta, Capri,
exotically suggestive,
unreliable, constructed from
tin, hope, and disappointment,
you used to say,
when you were still here to say it.

I sat on a bench between
two malnourished trees,
held up by desperate grass
and angry weeds,
chipping at the peeling paint
with my ink-stained fingers,
revealing the old wood
hidden underneath.

The cars kept driving by,
as they are wont to do,
low sunlight slipping
over quivering metal skin,
in that Seventies afternoon light.
Accidents waiting to happen,
you used to say,
when you were still here to say it.






Not too sure about the title, but I think this isn't too bad. What do ya think? Cars with those names were very common in the UK in the seventies.



Watching cars drive by.


It was a very Seventies light.
The trees wore it like a mantle,
a hint, a tint, of Naples yellow,
a yellow like painted honey.

A car drove by, as cars are wont to do,
an old car, though this century,
not the old that I remember,
the cars of my dreaming.
Allegro, Grenada, Fiesta, Capri,
exotically suggestive,
unreliable, constructed from
tin, hope, and disappointment,
you used to say,
when you were still here to say it.

I sat and watched other cars go by,
on a bench between
two unhappy trees
that clung to the
side of the smoky tarmac,
held up by desperate grass
and angry weeds.
Chipping at the peeling paint
with my ink-stained fingers,
revealing the old wood
hidden underneath.

Chipping, chipping,
till my fingers bled and
I had to pick out the
ancient paint that lodged
there like jewelled insects,
desperate to burrow
into the meat of my fingers.

The cars kept driving by,
as they are wont to do,
low sunlight slipping
over quivering metal skin,
in that Seventies afternoon light.
Accidents waiting to happen,
you used to say,
when you were still here to say it.

[wasellajam]

Hi, James, a lot to like here. The poem sets a mood and has some strong images and enjoyable language.

Not too sure about the title, but I think this isn't too bad. What do ya think? Cars with those names were very common in the UK in the seventies.



Watching cars drive by.


It was a very Seventies light.
The trees wore it like a mantle,
a hint, a tint, of Naples yellow,
a yellow like painted honey.
"Seventies light" confuses me, the light was different that decade? L2/3 give me that early spring budding halo but L4 is all Tell, what is painted honey? If it's honey in a painting give me that, and yellow is off for honey for me.

A car drove by, as cars are wont to do,
an old car, though this century, I don't think you need this line.
not the old that I remember,
the cars of my dreaming. Possibly "dreams:"
Allegro, Grenada, Fiesta, Capri,
exotically suggestive,
unreliable, constructed from
tin, hope, and disappointment, I like this whole sequence, maybe with the exception of "tin" which works in its line but not really with cars for me.
you used to say,
when you were still here to say it.

I sat and watched other cars go by,
I'd prefer "sit" closer to "bench", Other cars go by, I'm on a bench...
on a bench between
two unhappy trees
that clung on to the particularly weak break.
side of the smoky tarmac,
held up by desperate grass
and angry weeds.
These five lines are a strong image. Though I can get desperate vs angry, "unhappy trees" is off, maybe something describing them as malnourished.
Chipping at the peeling paint
with my ink-stained fingers,
revealing the old wood
hidden underneath.
Another strong image and metaphor, you might avoid the double -ing with "to reveal".

Chipping, chipping,ave more impact.[/b]
ancient paint that lodged
there like jewelled insects,
desperate to burrow
into the meat of my fingers.
Very dramatic, I was with you until "meat of my fingers", a step too far for me.

The cars kept driving by,
as they are wont to do,
low sunlight slipping Nice line and image.
over quivering metal skin, I'm not a fan of "quivering", I get the idea and image, it just seems not quite the right word.
in that Seventies afternoon light. I still have the same issue with this.
Accidents waiting to happen,
you used to say,
when you were still here to say it.

I hope my notes help a bit. Thanks for posting it, I'm enjoying the read.

[JamesG]

Hi, James, a lot to like here. The poem sets a mood and has some strong images and enjoyable language.

Not too sure about the title, but I think this isn't too bad. What do ya think? Cars with those names were very common in the UK in the seventies.



Watching cars drive by.


It was a very Seventies light.
The trees wore it like a mantle,
a hint, a tint, of Naples yellow,
a yellow like painted honey.
"Seventies light" confuses me, the light was different that decade? L2/3 give me that early spring budding halo but L4 is all Tell, what is painted honey? If it's honey in a painting give me that, and yellow is off for honey for me.
The idea of a "seventies light" came to me as a metaphor for a form of nostalgia, or a light that triggers a buried memory; A light that has that baked in kind of yellow, filmic hue you get during the golden hour.

A car drove by, as cars are wont to do,
an old car, though this century, I don't think you need this line.
not the old that I remember,
the cars of my dreaming. Possibly "dreams:" I prefer dreaming tbh
Allegro, Grenada, Fiesta, Capri,
exotically suggestive,
unreliable, constructed from
tin, hope, and disappointment,  I like this whole sequence, maybe with the exception of "tin" which works in its line but not really with cars for me. 
"Steel" maybe? The tin thing is meant to convey fragility, I guess.
you used to say,
when you were still here to say it.

I sat and watched other cars go by,
I'd prefer "sit" closer to "bench", Other cars go by, I'm on a bench... I'll have a look at this
on a bench between
two unhappy trees
that clung on to the particularly weak break. I can lose this 
side of the smoky tarmac,
held up by desperate grass
and angry weeds.
These five lines are a strong image. Though I can get desperate vs angry, "unhappy trees" is off, maybe something describing them as malnourished.
I did wonder whether "unhappy, desperate and angry " were a bit much so close together
Chipping at the peeling paint
with my ink-stained fingers,
revealing the old wood
hidden underneath.
Another strong image and metaphor, you might avoid the double -ing with "to reveal". Yes I'll look at this

Chipping, chipping,ave more impact.[/b]
ancient paint that lodged
there like jewelled insects,
desperate to burrow
into the meat of my fingers.
Very dramatic, I was with you until "meat of my fingers", a step too far for me.
I was wondering if it would be better to lose this verse altogether

The cars kept driving by,
as they are wont to do,
low sunlight slipping Nice line and image.
over quivering metal skin, I'm not a fan of "quivering", I get the idea and image, it just seems not quite the right word.
I do quite like this as I think it gives and animalistic quality to the line but I will try out some alts
in that Seventies afternoon light. I still have the same issue with this.
Accidents waiting to happen,
you used to say,
when you were still here to say it.

I hope my notes help a bit. Thanks for posting it, I'm enjoying the read.

Your notes were great, I will do another draft.

[JamesG]

Second draft posted