Tock

[dukealien]

Tock


Have you ever walked into a room
or simply found yourself alone in one,
unable to remember why you came there
or what it was you were supposed to do?

But then an inkling comes and you recall
a reason you’d have gone there and a glow
of self-congratulation warms your heart
until your head reminds you she has died.

Trying to get back into iambic, and away from geography.

[RiverNotch]

First line is technically not iambic; missing a syllable either in the first or the second foot, I think.

"There" in third line unnecessary, I think.

There's two turns, the one between the two stanzas and the one at the very end, and I find the second turn somewhat dissatisfying. It's maybe one too many recollections, or "your head reminds" is too "written-for-the-meter"---or maybe the whole line is written for the meter, I'm not really sure how "she died" is that intentional, since it doesn't feel like it connects with any of the earlier lines. Would have it be something completely different, or just pruned entirely.