From Norway With Caraway (edit 3.1)

[wasellajam]

I miss the cookies, but it is part of what made me think this poem had multiple poems in it. Could you write a sister-poem about cookies? (That sentence sounds ridiculously twee, but in your hands it won’t be)

lol, working on an edit now, so far the cookies are back but with a strong edit trying to tie it in better.
We'll see how it plays, so appreciate your input.

[wasellajam]

So, new edit up, hoping the characters don't slide as much but I may be okay if they do, cut some minutia but added it elsewhere lol. Grateful for any and all crit.

[thewilderhen]

Mawmaw and cookies and you not falling victim to twee, hooray! I am not commenting on your draft yet. But I thought of you just now. Ocean Vuong (maybe a polarizing figure) popped up on my Substack (maybe a polarizing platform). He mentioned Shklovksy’s Art as Technique essay. This essay centers estrangement (rescuing cliches, rescuing grandmas from kitchens - you see why I thought of you: you removed her and brought her back, and the spark came back). The essay is a good read (maybe a re-read for you).

So I will post it and wait to see if I get scolded by the mods: https://www.paradise.caltech.edu/ist4/le...hnique.pdf

[wasellajam]

Mawmaw and cookies and you not falling victim to twee, hooray! I am not commenting on your draft yet. But I thought of you just now. Ocean Vuong (maybe a polarizing figure) popped up on my Substack (maybe a polarizing platform). He mentioned Shklovksy’s Art as Technique essay. This essay centers estrangement (rescuing cliches, rescuing grandmas from kitchens - you see why I thought of you: you removed her and brought her back, and the spark came back). The essay is a good read (maybe a re-read for you).

So I will post it and wait to see if I get scolded by the mods: https://www.paradise.caltech.edu/ist4/le...hnique.pdf

thank you, haven't read it, will now. An article the critic thought applied to the poem, just another offering, welcome on my thread. If the thread becomes about the article they can always split it. I'll take all the help I can get.
Thanks for returning and reading.

---

Any suggestions for alternate punctuation in S3 would be appreciated, I have some ideas but am worried about wrecking it.

[JohnS]

[quote="wasellajam" pid='280182' dateline='1776355974']
From Norway With Caraway (NaPM edit 3.1) (hen, alonso, John S)

When we cleared Mawmaw's house
even the closet shelves were adorned,
edged with flat bands of crocheted bells.
She was from Norway, her father lost at sea.

Her daughter was steeped in ancestral tea:
sleek enameled silver, intricate
tatting starched into bowls, salt
laden homemade stews laced
with cream, thinly sliced brown bread topped
with a golden yolk, a drape of anchovy.

December’s chill brought a baking marathon;
Alice echoed her mom with a new sweet
every day, aging cookie tins packed
and stacked on Hardanger table runners.

One year, missing some Christmas favorites
her family wouldn't touch, we revived
a day-long recipe, a loaf of caraway
seeded meat in aspic, the start
of our late month lunches together,

her face lit with youth.
Now the recipe is mine but today, checking
the spelling of Kalvesus, all I could find
was the Swedish Kalvsylta, no caraway.



Yes, I like this. 

The first stanza still worries me a bit, except for the last line, because all it adds is that she was into adorning the place, which is ok, but the remaining poem centres on cooking. 

As a lyricist I'd love you to add the last line of the first stamnza to the second stanza:
"Mawmaw was from Norway, her father lost at sea, 
her daughter was steeped in ancestral tea"
Very melodic couplet!

Hope this helps.

[wasellajam]

[quote="wasellajam" pid='280182' dateline='1776355974']
From Norway With Caraway (NaPM edit 3.1) (hen, alonso, John S)

When we cleared Mawmaw's house
even the closet shelves were adorned,
edged with flat bands of crocheted bells.
She was from Norway, her father lost at sea.

Her daughter was steeped in ancestral tea:
sleek enameled silver, intricate
tatting starched into bowls, salt
laden homemade stews laced
with cream, thinly sliced brown bread topped
with a golden yolk, a drape of anchovy.

December’s chill brought a baking marathon;
Alice echoed her mom with a new sweet
every day, aging cookie tins packed
and stacked on Hardanger table runners.

One year, missing some Christmas favorites
her family wouldn't touch, we revived
a day-long recipe, a loaf of caraway
seeded meat in aspic, the start
of our late month lunches together,

her face lit with youth.
Now the recipe is mine but today, checking
the spelling of Kalvesus, all I could find
was the Swedish Kalvsylta, no caraway.



Yes, I like this. 

The first stanza still worries me a bit, except for the last line, because all it adds is that she was into adorning the place, which is ok, but the remaining poem centres on cooking. 

As a lyricist I'd love you to add the last line of the first stamnza to the second stanza:
"Mawmaw was from Norway, her father lost at sea, 
her daughter was steeped in ancestral tea"
Very melodic couplet!

Hope this helps.

Hi, John, thanks for coming back. Both interesting insights for me to consider. S1 was meant as an insight into MawMaw but it may not be working that way, good point. And this is the first time those two lines have been so close, I'll take a look at them. Thanks for reading and posting!

---

Nope, looking at previous edits those lines have been adjacent before but also with a break, I'll have a look.

[alonso ramoran]

I haven't been back for the new edits and after the third edit I've been meaning to comment on all the improvements. The third edit clarifies without overexplaining itself, which is indicated by the return to "Mawmaw" instead of leaving "her mother". And I love the changes made in stanza 2, sounds delicious. 

"December's chill brought..." is landing kinda flat for me. Something along the lines of "inspired" in lieu of "brought" would carry more movement imo.

Hardanger is a welcome detail.

"Revived" is a nice change from "dove". Gives the reader a good sense of the recipe's importance even if the previous line might already allude to that importance. Goes to show how crucial verbs are and the ones we choose.

[wasellajam]

I haven't been back for the new edits and after the third edit I've been meaning to comment on all the improvements. The third edit clarifies without overexplaining itself, which is indicated by the return to "Mawmaw" instead of leaving "her mother". And I love the changes made in stanza 2, sounds delicious. 

"December's chill brought..." is landing kinda flat for me. Something along the lines of "inspired" in lieu of "brought" would carry more movement imo.

Hardanger is a welcome detail.

"Revived" is a nice change from "dove". Gives the reader a good sense of the recipe's importance even if the previous line might already allude to that importance. Goes to show how crucial verbs are and the ones we choose.

Thanks so much for coming back, you've addressed some of my concerns, overexplaining and Hardanger. I never liked "dove", glad "revived" seems an improvement. I'll address the December line, try for something better.
Much appreciated.

[thewilderhen]

I think I have figured out part of what made me uncomfortable with characters. It’s again the word-tense-actions, and the action assignments. The poem starts off with we, decisively clearing a house. The daughter, father, mother, all part of the rich backdrop.

Then this premise gets undone. The daughter is awarded a name and agency in the third section. This makes sense, she is now the holder of this ancestral tea. But no, in the next section it is the unseen we again.

And the concluding section makes it clear that the narrator is the one holding it. The narrator centers Alice and then yanks her back before she can do something interesting. What to do? Dunno. My own reading, take with salt.

My chive garden is threatening to blossom, I need to pickle the buds (to have on top of an aspic?). Garden Hen, begin.

[wasellajam]

I think I have figured out part of what made me uncomfortable with characters. It’s again the word-tense-actions, and the action assignments. The poem starts off with we, decisively clearing a house. The daughter, father, mother, all part of the rich backdrop.

Then this premise gets undone. The daughter is awarded a name and agency in the third section. This makes sense, she is now the holder of this ancestral tea. But no, in the next section it is the unseen we again.

And the concluding section makes it clear that the narrator is the one holding it. The narrator centers Alice and then yanks her back before she can do something interesting. What to do? Dunno. My own reading, take with salt.

My chive garden is threatening to blossom, I need to pickle the buds (to have on top of an aspic?). Garden Hen, begin.

Thank you for your clear explanation. It's possible that eliminating the we in S1 will help. I was hoping that the phrase "clearing the house" would make it clear that MawMaw had passed and all the other action is Alice's. Is that unclear?
A poem can wait, a garden cannot. Enjoy it!