Silence of a jealous mind

[Fruitiper]

lollipop on the ground
my brother cries –
"not what i want"

my mom giving a sigh
gently pushing him back in the shop


a little girl 10 years ago 
crying on the kitchen floor

looked to her father
(never a dad)
no running this time
prepare to cry

he grabs the belt
and the years go by

i stare at my brother 
with his now ice cream cone

i want to grab it 
and eat it alone

my mom is complaining 
"we barely get by"

i stare at the ice cream 
and years go by

edit: This is more of a draft, when i posted this I wasn't expecting so many views. Im planning to edit this again, thank you for all your suggestions, I might move my next edit to the more in depth critique idk. Thanks for reading!!

[milo]

Hello and thanks for posting!

You have written a poem here about a sibling jealousy and perhaps the home environment that allows it to fester into a long term trauma. The title is good, draws the reader in as well as introduces the metaphor.

lollipop on the ground
my brother cries –
"not what i want"

You start with an image and a metaphor and that is good.  Simple language, easily communicated.  A common enough scenario - nothing stands out but no real issues.  i would strongly suggest trying to swap the quotes for italics just for the aesthetics. It is a good use of lollipop - suggest age.  Would be interesting if you switched it for "sucker" later.

my mom giving a sigh
gently pushing him back in the shop


a little girl 10 years ago 
crying on the kitchen floor

looked to her father
(never a dad)
no running this time
prepare to cry

So, I would just eliminate the (never a dad) entirely.  Let your narrative do the talking, don't explain to the reader.  If i know a man is beating his young daughter with a belt, that says way more to me that your explanation.  You also have some tense issues that run throughout the whole poem.  You might want to pick a tense and stick with it or at least diagram it out.  I also think you can trim 10 years ago - since we don't know when "now" is, it doesn't really help much. "prepare to cry" sounds weak - I wonder if you can come up with a way to say it stronger and maybe add some double meaning or metaphor here.

he grabs the belt
and the years go by

i stare at my brother 
with his now ice cream cone

i want to grab it 
and eat it alone

my mom is complaining 
"we barely get by"

i stare at the ice cream 
and years go by

I think 1 statement of "and years go by" is probably enough.  It is an interesting poem and you have a lot to work with.  The language is clear, the narrative is easy enough to follow.

Thanks

[wasellajam]

Hi, Fruitiper, thanks for posting this. Some notes:

lollipop on the ground
my brother cries –
"not what i want" strong image and an interesting way to say spoiled.

my mom giving a sigh
gently pushing him back in the shop This provides a lot of information, I'm seeing a family business.


a little girl 10 years ago 
crying on the kitchen floor Crying for no reason? For an accident? For something related to the brother? I need more.

looked to her father
(never a dad)
no running this time
prepare to cry She's already crying?

he grabs the belt
From "a little girl"  through "the belt" says so much but I think it could use a major edit. I think the harsh portrayal of the father in itself makes it clear affection wasn't his strong point, the "never a dad" is implied but if you keep it maybe it would work in a different spot.
and the years go by

i stare at my brother 
with his now ice cream cone How many years go by between lollipop and ice cream cone? Not many, I'm unsure where you're going with this.

i want to grab it 
and eat it alone Love this, says a lot in few words and describes the rawness with which childhood emotions persist.

my mom is complaining 
"we barely get by" Maybe bring the following line up to this and leave the last line on its own.

i stare at the ice cream 
and years go by

So in summary, you have an emotional poem here that many people can relate to, I hope these notes are some help to you, at least something to think about. Thanks again for the interesting read.