Lake House

[wasellajam]

Lake House

The tracks were laid a hundred years ago
to carry coal from nearby western states
and summer tourists coming from the east.
A playground for the restless city folk:
the grand hotel that burnt in 1912,
a child's amusement park with ride-on train
that wrapped around the boulders, through the grove.
Canoes and rowboats crossed the lake to reach
an outdoor stage and dance beneath the stars.

They started building summer bungalows,
one ticket stretched the span of urban heat;
on little plots the wood-framed boxes rose
just  barely large enough to load the kids
in bunks, have breakfast and a midday meal,
their dinners roasted on a lakeside fire.
A generation later, children raised
to cherish memories of nighttime swims.
their laughter bouncing on the evening breeze
now questioned why they ever had to leave.
Additions here, additions there expand
each little shelter bit by bit until
each one becomes a piecework of a home.


This is from the Blank Verse thread, I went to smooth the meter and ended up messing around a bit so am posting hoping for some crit that might help it.

[dukealien]

Lake House  title foreshadows - whole poem is about houses as a group until the last line or two, so singular is on point

The tracks were laid a hundred years ago
to carry coal from nearby western states
and summer tourists coming from the east.  "coming" is a little flat - something like "rolling" but better
A playground for the restless city folk:
the grand hotel that burnt in 1912,  "burned" perhaps - "burnt" has more impact, but you want  closer to a verb past tense
a child's amusement park with ride-on train  you mean "children's" since there's no singular narrator but it won't fit; need different word
that wrapped around the boulders, through the grove.
Canoes and rowboats crossed the lake to reach
an outdoor stage and dance beneath the stars.  to avoid the image of dancing canoes you want dancing 'neath the stars, but archaic

They started building summer bungalows,
one ticket stretched the span of urban heat;  this line is unclear to me... "...ticket soothed the burn of.." ?
on little plots the wood-framed boxes rose
just  barely large enough to load the kids
in bunks, have breakfast and a midday meal,
their dinners roasted on a lakeside fire.  nice sequence here
A generation later, children raised
to cherish memories of nighttime swims.
their laughter bouncing on the evening breeze
now questioned why they ever had to leave.  perhaps "always" vice "never -  a mild suggestion at most
Additions here, additions there expand  good avoidance of "here and there"
each little shelter bit by bit until
each one becomes a piecework of a home.  effective conclusion


This is from the Blank Verse thread, I went to smooth the meter and ended up messing around a bit so am posting hoping for some crit that might help it.

There may be one or two "the" in the first five lines that could be improved with "some" or a more descriptive word.  In mild critique, what's there is OK.

Burnt vs burned - "burnt" is more descriptive (adjective) to me while "burned" states a historic fact.  (Just realized - that's why they built the bungalows, for the former grand hotel stayers.)  WIth "burnt" I see charred beams; what you want is history.

"Child's" is fine, really, but would work better if you were using an individual voice - the singular "child" is generic.  "Children's" would break meter. but still...

"Now questioned why they ever had to leave" - this is clear enough, and the suggested "always"  is more editorial.  So, stet, really.

"[P]iecework" at the end is interesting.  In the industrial sense, it means one worker producing a complete item by individual, usually at-home, effort (good).  Applying it to houses where, in modern times, crews move from site to site installing rote systems, is pleasing.

Room for improvement, but not bad at all as it stands.  Did not check meter other than that "children's" would break it.

[wasellajam]

Lake House  title foreshadows - whole poem is about houses as a group until the last line or two, so singular is on point

The tracks were laid a hundred years ago
to carry coal from nearby western states
and summer tourists coming from the east.  "coming" is a little flat - something like "rolling" but better
A playground for the restless city folk:
the grand hotel that burnt in 1912,  "burned" perhaps - "burnt" has more impact, but you want  closer to a verb past tense
a child's amusement park with ride-on train  you mean "children's" since there's no singular narrator but it won't fit; need different word
that wrapped around the boulders, through the grove.
Canoes and rowboats crossed the lake to reach
an outdoor stage and dance beneath the stars.  to avoid the image of dancing canoes you want dancing 'neath the stars, but archaic

They started building summer bungalows,
one ticket stretched the span of urban heat;  this line is unclear to me... "...ticket soothed the burn of.." ?
on little plots the wood-framed boxes rose
just  barely large enough to load the kids
in bunks, have breakfast and a midday meal,
their dinners roasted on a lakeside fire.  nice sequence here
A generation later, children raised
to cherish memories of nighttime swims.
their laughter bouncing on the evening breeze
now questioned why they ever had to leave.  perhaps "always" vice "never -  a mild suggestion at most
Additions here, additions there expand  good avoidance of "here and there"
each little shelter bit by bit until
each one becomes a piecework of a home.  effective conclusion


This is from the Blank Verse thread, I went to smooth the meter and ended up messing around a bit so am posting hoping for some crit that might help it.

Thanks so much for your help with this!

and summer tourists coming from the east.  "coming" is a little flat - something like "rolling" but better

I wasn't sure what was off with this line, I'll look at it again.


There may be one or two "the" in the first five lines that could be improved with "some" or a more descriptive word.  In mild critique, what's there is OK.
I'll see what I can do to improve this.

Burnt vs burned - "burnt" is more descriptive (adjective) to me while "burned" states a historic fact.  (Just realized - that's why they built the bungalows, for the former grand hotel stayers.)  WIth "burnt" I see charred beams; what you want is history.
I never even thought about this, thank you!

"Child's" is fine, really, but would work better if you were using an individual voice - the singular "child" is generic.  "Children's" would break meter. but still...
Ugh, this sticks every time I read it. I haven't figured out how to change it but I'll put more effort in, I'm sure there's a way to do it.

Canoes and rowboats crossed the lake to reach
an outdoor stage and dance beneath the stars.  to avoid the image of dancing canoes you want dancing 'neath the stars, but archaic
Ha, I didn't even think of this, I'll fix it.

They started building summer bungalows,
one ticket stretched the span of urban heat;  this line is unclear to me... "...ticket soothed the burn of.." ?
An unsuccessful recent edit, I'll try again or revert.

"Now questioned why they ever had to leave" - this is clear enough, and the suggested "always"  is more editorial.  So, stet, really.
I don't understand what the issue is here, when you have the time could you explain in more detail?

"[P]iecework" at the end is interesting.  In the industrial sense, it means one worker producing a complete item by individual, usually at-home, effort (good).  Applying it to houses where, in modern times, crews move from site to site installing rote systems, is pleasing.
This is so interesting. I was thinking of piecework as a term for patchwork quilting, when you break the walls of the old bump outs there are reused 2x4s, they just banged them up. And the rooflines are all jaggedy. Your piecework is, I'm sure, the more common usage, a happy accident.

Room for improvement, but not bad at all as it stands.  Did not check meter other than that "children's" would break it.

Appreciate your efforts with this, I'll poke it again.