(01-15-2026, 10:29 PM)wasellajam Wrote: Fentanyl with Friends (edit 2.5, ray and milo)
One shot of Narcan may not be enough
but two or three might do the magic trick,
administered by cops or fam or friends.
Ohio's welcome center has a box
inserted in the lobby wall that's marked
"Find overdose materials inside."
New laws relieve the fear getting caught,
for 911 reports of overdose
there are no charges, everybody walks.
A father left alone to raise his girls
takes home a bit to ease his nightly blues.
His solitary habit laid him out,
now two more babes are left to family.
To live another day with fentanyl
it's best at least to somewhat socialize.
Duke already called it out I thin but you missed an "of" in front of getting caught.
Overall, I like it a lot better. The assonance on "caught" and "walks" is delicious as well
Quote:
Fentanyl with Friends (edit 2-- ray, milo)
One shot of Narcan may not be enough
but two or three might do the magic trick,
administered by cops or fam or friends.
Ohio's welcome center has a box
inserted in the lobby wall that's marked
"Find overdose materials inside."
Our laws were changed, they now decriminalize
the 911 report of overdose;
there are no charges, everybody walks.
A father left alone to raise his girls
takes home a bit to ease his nightly blues.
His solitary habit laid him out,
now two more babes are left to family.
To live another day with fentanyl
it's best at least to somewhat socialize.
Fentanyl with Friends (edit #1.1)
One shot of Narcan may not be enough
but two or three might do the magic trick,
administered by cops or fam or friends.
Ohio's welcome center has a box
inserted in the lobby wall that's marked
"Find overdose materials inside."
Our laws were changed, they now decriminalize
the call to 911, charges dropped for drug
offense when calling in an overdose.
A father left alone to raise his girls
takes home a bit to ease his nightly blues.
His solitary habit laid him out,
now two more babes are left to family.
To live another day with fentanyl
it's best at least to somewhat socialize.
Fentanyl With Friends (after dukealien's Good News, But Cold)
One shot of Narcan may not be enough
but two or three might do the magic trick,
administered by cops or fam or friends.
Ohio's welcome center has a box
inserted in the lobby wall that says
"Find overdose materials inside."
Our laws were changed, they now decriminalize
the 911 call, no ones's charged with any drug
offense when calling in an overdose.
A father left alone to raise his girls
takes home a bit to drift off before bed.
His solitary habit did him in,
now two more babes are left to family.
To live another day with fentanyl
it's best at least to somewhat socialize.
(any and all crit is gratefully encouraged), previous versions in the ps
(01-15-2026, 10:29 PM)wasellajam Wrote: Fentanyl with Friends (edit 2.5, ray and milo)
One shot of Narcan may not be enough
but two or three might do the magic trick,
administered by cops or fam or friends.
Ohio's welcome center has a box
inserted in the lobby wall that's marked
"Find overdose materials inside."
New laws relieve the fear getting caught,
for 911 reports of overdose
there are no charges, everybody walks.
A father left alone to raise his girls
takes home a bit to ease his nightly blues.
His solitary habit laid him out,
now two more babes are left to family.
To live another day with fentanyl
it's best at least to somewhat socialize.
(any and all crit is gratefully encouraged), previous versions in the ps
This is definitely an improvement over versions with "decriminalize" - and I apologize for pointing out the obvious.
but New laws relieve the fear getting caught,
breaks, in my opinion unnecessarily, your otherwise consistent IP. Almost a typo? The easiest fix would be
New laws relieve the fear of getting caught, but I'd suggest something like
New laws annul all fear of getting caught
or perhaps 'their' in place of 'all' . It's an important line. Or "prosecution" in place of "getting caught," accepting the extra syllable.
Otherwise, it's tight.
Thank you duke! I fixed the of typo. Your annul line is eloquent and prosecution works so well. I knew my language was simple but rushed to edit, just wanted to get it over with. Now I'll have to think of something equal to yours, if I can't I'll steal 'em. Really appreciate your time with this.
Thank you duke! I fixed the of typo. Your annul line is eloquent and prosecution works so well. I knew my language was simple but rushed to edit, just wanted to get it over with. Now I'll have to think of something equal to yours, if I can't I'll steal 'em. Really appreciate your time with this.
On the contrary, I should apologize for too-specific suggestions. Always a problem...
(And hopelessly stuck on the rondeau. Might look at it again in a week.)
Thank you duke! I fixed the of typo. Your annul line is eloquent and prosecution works so well. I knew my language was simple but rushed to edit, just wanted to get it over with. Now I'll have to think of something equal to yours, if I can't I'll steal 'em. Really appreciate your time with this.
On the contrary, I should apologize for too-specific suggestions. Always a problem...
(And hopelessly stuck on the rondeau. Might look at it again in a week.)
Nope, that's okay. It showed me it could be better (the point of this site) and I'm not above accepting an offered gift. But anyway, I've decided to leave it be for now, it's simple, written in simple language, not really begging for beauty.
ugh, when you're caught in a rondeau sometimes you need to machete your way out. I've been reading old threads, I once tried to do a double rondeau with no refrain joining the two parts. Leanne gave me hell. Good luck.
Non-practicing atheist
Good luck.
