Adam and Apollo

[milo]

Adam and Apollo


The lion wore his massive mantle
like the sun
and so they called him "Apollo"
as he strode through fields
of poppies, monarch heavy,
and laydown with the lambs.

Adam walks along the river
lion-headed; ageless fool.
Was it just a dream, the garden?
Up ahead, Death swims -
new-born, pink-bottomed cherub
frolics in the river, as Adam
strides to meet his old friend 

[josie_loves_poems]

i love the imagery! you can really understand the big picture, the last few lines are a little choppy and i think there would be more agreement in the words if there was a nicer flow. for example, the "up ahead, death swims" is a little odd, though i like the juxtaposition of death with the next part- i think instead of "up ahead" a more whimsical introduction would fit well! great poem!

[milo]

i love the imagery! you can really understand the big picture, the last few lines are a little choppy and i think there would be more agreement in the words if there was a nicer flow. for example, the "up ahead, death swims" is a little odd, though i like the juxtaposition of death with the next part- i think instead of "up ahead" a more whimsical introduction would fit well! great poem!

Hello

Thanks so much for reading and commenting, I am glad that most of it worked for you, I will look with an eye toward flow with future revisions as well as perhaps to add a little whimsy

Thanks!

[howl]

Adam and Apollo


The lion wore his massive mantle I feel like "wore a mantle of sun" could make it more intriguing cause "sun" is already massive
like the sun
and so they called him "Apollo" Nice, Lion and Apollo make good sense 
as he strode through fields
of poppies, monarch heavy, this makes me feel like he is a monarch butterfly. If that was intented, very nice, the poppies symbolize dream and opium-like tranquility. Together with the heavy butterflies he feels like a swirling beauty, combined with a burden.
and laydown with the lambs.  "among the lambs" could sound more iconic. 

Adam walks along the river 
lion-headed; ageless fool.    
Was it just a dream, the garden?  Nice, would ask myself the same if I was thrown out of paradise.
Up ahead, Death swims -
new-born, pink-bottomed cherub
frolics in the river, as Adam
strides to meet his old friend I really enjoy your presentation and use of words in this stanza.

[busker]

Adam and Apollo


The lion wore his massive mantle … ‘massive’ feels somewhat pedestrian 
like the sun
and so they called him "Apollo" … I am confused by the smooshing together of different myths. There is no deeper layer of Jerusalem vs Athens here, so it feels like you went for Apollo just for the alliteration.
as he strode through fields
of poppies, monarch heavy, … monarch butterflies? ‘Monarch heavy’ should be a clever line, but it doesn’t work. My apologies for not being able to tell you more clearly why. I also tried to take a step back and look at the overall effect, but S1 still feels like it was put together to make way for S2 which is glorious 
and laydown with the lambs.

Adam walks along the river
lion-headed; ageless fool.
Was it just a dream, the garden?
Up ahead, Death swims -
new-born, pink-bottomed cherub
frolics in the river, as Adam
strides to meet his old friend  … all of S2 is resplendent 

[milo]

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Adam and Apollo


The lion wore his massive mantle … ‘massive’ feels somewhat pedestrian 
like the sun
and so they called him "Apollo" … I am confused by the smooshing together of different myths. There is no deeper layer of Jerusalem vs Athens here, so it feels like you went for Apollo just for the alliteration.
as he strode through fields
of poppies, monarch heavy, … monarch butterflies? ‘Monarch heavy’ should be a clever line, but it doesn’t work. My apologies for not being able to tell you more clearly why. I also tried to take a step back and look at the overall effect, but S1 still feels like it was put together to make way for S2 which is glorious 
and laydown with the lambs.

Adam walks along the river
lion-headed; ageless fool.
Was it just a dream, the garden?
Up ahead, Death swims -
new-born, pink-bottomed cherub
frolics in the river, as Adam
strides to meet his old friend  … all of S2 is resplendent 

Honestly, this is a pretty big disappointment as it was a gambit that was either going to work or it wasn’t going to work. I will have to think on this

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1767925403[/url]']
Adam and Apollo


The lion wore his massive mantle I feel like "wore a mantle of sun" could make it more intriguing cause "sun" is already massive
like the sun
and so they called him "Apollo" Nice, Lion and Apollo make good sense 
as he strode through fields
of poppies, monarch heavy, this makes me feel like he is a monarch butterfly. If that was intented, very nice, the poppies symbolize dream and opium-like tranquility. Together with the heavy butterflies he feels like a swirling beauty, combined with a burden.
and laydown with the lambs.  "among the lambs" could sound more iconic. 

Adam walks along the river 
lion-headed; ageless fool.    
Was it just a dream, the garden?  Nice, would ask myself the same if I was thrown out of paradise.
Up ahead, Death swims -
new-born, pink-bottomed cherub
frolics in the river, as Adam
strides to meet his old friend I really enjoy your presentation and use of words in this stanza.

Thank you for reading and commenting, I will be sure to consider this when I work on a rewrite