coincidence

[Roggen]

Distant connection,
Illusory closeness.

Against my will, 
I grow numb. 

Hints flickering slight-
of an infolding road.

Keeping my feelings away,
While our dim eyes won’t meet.    

Despite it —

You look more than jolly.
It still makes me feel sick, 
And yet content.

Some meaningless words, 
I can’t control this moment.

The loss passing through me.

You’re gone. 

I move. 

[milo]

Distant connection,
Illusory closeness.

Against my will, 
I grow numb. 

Hints flickering slight-
of an infolding road.

Keeping my feelings away,
While our dim eyes won’t meet.    

Despite it —

You look more than jolly.
It still makes me feel sick, 
And yet content.

Some meaningless words, 
I can’t control this moment.

The loss passing through me.

You’re gone. 

I move. 

So, I don't think I understand the need for the short lines with frequent breaks here.  A line should in most cases, represent a thought.  Much of it is rather abstract with not really a lot of imagery or metaphor.  It is fine enough for what it is.  Could you think of a way to speak to this metaphorically or using figurative language?  I think that would be nice.  This feels a little expository.

Thanks

[whisperer]

So here's where poetry gets subjective. Personally, I love the line breaks and the heavy imagery. It alludes to a deeper and heavier emotion. I particularly appreciate the single word and finalization of the last line/word. It gives closure to the piece, but maybe not to the emotion. Moving away can also refer to carrying this with yourself. I think it is well done. It's vague enough to allow the reader to fill in the blanks with our own imagination, yet it tells enough of a story to guide us along. Well done. Thank you for sharing.

[David_Kaine]

Distant connection,
Illusory closeness.

Against my will, 
I grow numb. 

Hints flickering slight-
of an infolding road.

Keeping my feelings away,
While our dim eyes won’t meet.    

Despite it —

You look more than jolly.
It still makes me feel sick, 
And yet content.

Some meaningless words, 
I can’t control this moment.

The loss passing through me.

You’re gone. 

I move. 

I can tell theres a desire to express yourself through poetry, but I feel like youre holding back.  Too many vague flashes of feeling. I think you could fill in all those spacings between lines with details, where were they jolly, how were you sick, describe the moment how its out of control, what makes the words meaningless.  I think you have a lot of opportunity here for a stronger poem but that could just be me.  Good luck!

[josie_loves_poems]

Distant connection,
Illusory closeness.

Against my will, 
I grow numb. 

Hints flickering slight-
of an infolding road.

Keeping my feelings away,
While our dim eyes won’t meet.    

Despite it —

You look more than jolly.
It still makes me feel sick, 
And yet content.

Some meaningless words, 
I can’t control this moment.

The loss passing through me.

You’re gone. 

I move. 

while i understand the idea, i feel like the contradictory lines throw off the main message of the piece. i feel like the mood you're trying to display with this work is conflicted but resigned, but having too many conflicting lines feels disjointed and like you're trying to force these battling emotions into the reader's mind. also, i know you mentioned in a previous response that you like the frequent line breaks but i think arranging them into a more organized/pattern structure would guide the reader better! as with any critique, take this with a grain of salt! great poem!