fate of the sinful poet

[josie_loves_poems]

(this is a series of haikus)

fate of the sinful poet
“i won’t shoot too far,
“icarus is not my fate”
empty promises

never seen again
eaten by the clouds and sun
flown away from “home”

hot sun burns my lungs
reach further to grasp the star
i pop, burst open

crumble flip and fall
freely down and back to hell
they say i belong

sun was my escape
the brilliant hell trap of
lies and thoughtlessness

write then burn then write
tell your god to kill me quick
after what i’ve preached

scribble flimsy words
sizzle pop sink through my grasp
in this hell’s best flame

spared are the poets
the most thoughtful damnation
burn their horrid words

[CRNDLSM]

The haiku world can be pretty brutal about what qualifies, even 575 is kinda regional, 'the brilliant helltrap of' 'of' 'of' 'of' rarely lands an end word. I like it overall though,

[wasellajam]

Hi, Josie. Plenty to like here but I think you face a struggle I often have, the form vs the good of the poem. Sometimes adding for the good of the poem then paring down to form, or not, can be eye opening. Some notes:

(this is a series of haikus)

fate of the sinful poet
“i won’t shoot too far,
“icarus is not my fate”
empty promises

never seen again
eaten by the clouds and sun
flown away from “home”

I think it reads as well without the quotation marks and they distract.

hot sun burns my lungs
reach further to grasp the star
i pop, burst open

crumble flip and fall
freely down and back to hell
they say I belong

I thing S1 and S2 could be joined and S3 and 4 work so well together the same there

sun was my escape
the brilliant hell trap of
lies and thoughtlessness

I'd prefer "the sun was my escape" or for form's sake, "the sun my escape"

write then burn then write
tell your god to kill me quick
after what i’ve preached

scribble flimsy words
sizzle pop sink through my grasp
in this hell’s best flame

Maybe something other than "best"

spared are the poets
the most thoughtful damnation
burn their horrid words

Just some points to think on, thanks for the read

[josie_loves_poems]

The haiku world can be pretty brutal about what qualifies, even 575 is kinda regional, 'the brilliant helltrap of' 'of' 'of' 'of' rarely lands an end word.  I like it overall though,

thanks for the feedback! yeah, my haikus are pretty untraditional so i try to keep them away from big critiquers and focus more on the content
i will definitely be thinking about the of's!

---

Hi, Josie. Plenty to like here but I think you face a struggle I often have, the form vs the good of the poem. Sometimes adding for the good of the poem then paring down to form, or not, can be eye opening. Some notes:

(this is a series of haikus)

fate of the sinful poet
“i won’t shoot too far,
“icarus is not my fate”
empty promises

never seen again
eaten by the clouds and sun
flown away from “home”

I think it reads as well without the quotation marks and they distract.

hot sun burns my lungs
reach further to grasp the star
i pop, burst open

crumble flip and fall
freely down and back to hell
they say I belong

I thing S1 and S2 could be joined and S3 and 4 work so well together the same there

sun was my escape
the brilliant hell trap of
lies and thoughtlessness

I'd prefer "the sun was my escape" or for form's sake, "the sun my escape"

write then burn then write
tell your god to kill me quick
after what i’ve preached

scribble flimsy words
sizzle pop sink through my grasp
in this hell’s best flame

Maybe something other than "best"

spared are the poets
the most thoughtful damnation
burn their horrid words

Just some points to think on, thanks for the read

thank you for this great feedback! really really appreciated, i will definitely think about all those pointers.