happy

[josie_loves_poems]

do you ever feel so happy you think you might pop
that the happiness that's been bubbling up in your stomach has started to travel up through your chest and has begun pooling in your lungs
then it zips cold and sharp up your throat like being sick and pours into the sides of your mouth and pulls the corners of your lips into a wide smile and coats your tongue until you spew a jingle of bright brassy giggles
when your chest seizes inwards and your shoulders shiver and your legs flex and your breath hitches as the happiness courses through your veins and squeezes between your bones
how your head reels and you can feel the fizz behind your eyes and leaking from your ears
expanding and spilling and dripping from your fingertips and getting stuck beneath your nails
the quivering breath of cold fresh air is the dulcet touch after such a delight

[milo]

do you ever feel so happy you think you might pop
that the happiness that's been bubbling up in your stomach has started to travel up through your chest and has begun pooling in your lungs
then it zips cold and sharp up your throat like being sick and pours into the sides of your mouth and pulls the corners of your lips into a wide smile and coats your tongue until you spew a jingle of bright brassy giggles
when your chest seizes inwards and your shoulders shiver and your legs flex and your breath hitches as the happiness courses through your veins and squeezes between your bones
how your head reels and you can feel the fizz behind your eyes and leaking from your ears
expanding and spilling and dripping from your fingertips and getting stuck beneath your nails
the quivering breath of cold fresh air is the dulcet touch after such a delight

Before I break too much into discussing this, I wanted to say the line lengths make it very difficult to read.  Is there a purpose for them to be like this?

Typically, in poetry we might expect to see the line break on important words or words that point to the central metaphor.  In addition, we might expect to see strophe breaks on "turns" of thought.  Here is an example of how I might break it up (Note:  this is not meant to be a rewrite of your poem or direction for you)

do you ever feel so happy
you think you might pop
that the happiness that's been bubbling
up in your stomach
has started to travel up
through your chest
and has begun pooling in your lungs

then it zips cold and sharp
up your throat like being sick
and pours into the sides
of your mouth and pulls
the corners of your lips
into a wide smile and coats
your tongue until you spew

a jingle of bright brassy giggles
when your chest seizes
inwards and your shoulders shiver
and your legs flex
and your breath hitches
as the happiness courses
through your veins and squeezes
between your bones

how your head reels
and you can feel
the fizz behind your eyes
and leaking from your ears
expanding and spilling
 and dripping from your fingertips
 and getting stuck beneath your nails
the quivering breath
of cold fresh air
is the dulcet touch
after such a delight

Maybe tinker around with this a bit.  Then go through and examine each word:

Do you absolutely need that word?
Is it pulling its weight?
Is there a better word (maybe on pointing to your central metaphor?)

Let me know what additional direction you would like the feedback to go and I can move in that direction.

This is a great start!

Thanks for posting

[wasellajam]

Hi and welcome! You’ve taken on quite a challenge, here are some notes:

1767928374[/url]']
do you ever feel so happy you think you might pop
that the happiness that's been bubbling up in your stomach has started to travel up through your chest and has begun pooling in your lungs

Pop gives a nice sharp stop to L1. I like the feeling of the run on sentence of L2 but punctuation may be useful by allowing you to break the line in meaningful places while maintaining the feeling you’re achieving.

then it zips cold and sharp up your throat like being sick and pours into the sides of your mouth and pulls the corners of your lips into a wide smile and coats your tongue until you spew a jingle of bright brassy giggles

Sick and spew make me think of vomit which throws me out of the happy mindset. Aside from that it’s interesting following the feeling through the body.

when your chest seizes inwards and your shoulders shiver and your legs flex and your breath hitches as the happiness courses through your veins and squeezes between your bones
how your head reels and you can feel the fizz behind your eyes and leaking from your ears
expanding and spilling and dripping from your fingertips and getting stuck beneath your nails
the quivering breath of cold fresh air is the dulcet touch after such a delight

Leg seems off because we’re in the upper body. The last line putting the poem into the past was odd to me in such an immediate piece.

As with all crit, apply or not at your discretion, just some thoughts. Hope you enjoy the site!

[josie_loves_poems]

do you ever feel so happy you think you might pop
that the happiness that's been bubbling up in your stomach has started to travel up through your chest and has begun pooling in your lungs
then it zips cold and sharp up your throat like being sick and pours into the sides of your mouth and pulls the corners of your lips into a wide smile and coats your tongue until you spew a jingle of bright brassy giggles
when your chest seizes inwards and your shoulders shiver and your legs flex and your breath hitches as the happiness courses through your veins and squeezes between your bones
how your head reels and you can feel the fizz behind your eyes and leaking from your ears
expanding and spilling and dripping from your fingertips and getting stuck beneath your nails
the quivering breath of cold fresh air is the dulcet touch after such a delight

Before I break too much into discussing this, I wanted to say the line lengths make it very difficult to read.  Is there a purpose for them to be like this?

Typically, in poetry we might expect to see the line break on important words or words that point to the central metaphor.  In addition, we might expect to see strophe breaks on "turns" of thought.  Here is an example of how I might break it up (Note:  this is not meant to be a rewrite of your poem or direction for you)

do you ever feel so happy
you think you might pop
that the happiness that's been bubbling
up in your stomach
has started to travel up
through your chest
and has begun pooling in your lungs

then it zips cold and sharp
up your throat like being sick
and pours into the sides
of your mouth and pulls
the corners of your lips
into a wide smile and coats
your tongue until you spew

a jingle of bright brassy giggles
when your chest seizes
inwards and your shoulders shiver
and your legs flex
and your breath hitches
as the happiness courses
through your veins and squeezes
between your bones

how your head reels
and you can feel
the fizz behind your eyes
and leaking from your ears
expanding and spilling
 and dripping from your fingertips
 and getting stuck beneath your nails
the quivering breath
of cold fresh air
is the dulcet touch
after such a delight

Maybe tinker around with this a bit.  Then go through and examine each word:

Do you absolutely need that word?
Is it pulling its weight?
Is there a better word (maybe on pointing to your central metaphor?)

Let me know what additional direction you would like the feedback to go and I can move in that direction.

This is a great start!

Thanks for posting

this is some great critique! i'm learning more about line breaks, and you're entirely right. i love the flow with it broken up more, i've just gotten used to longer line poetry. i will definitely play around with my line breaks! thank you so much!