Arson and Fugue (prev. Eventually)

[David_Kaine]

Edit 1

I tried to write a song for you today,
my fingers resting gently on the keys.
And there I stared, forgetting how to play,
elbows sinking slowly to my knees.

Eventually I formed a fist, and raised
it high enough to crash down on a chord,
a resonating energy that blazed
across the floor, the curtains, out the door.

the roar y of fire  o   pounds  u   my mind
thick  you    smoke you   fills  you   my lungs
muscles  y  seize   as  o  I   go  u  blind
choking uuu on uu a uu swollen uuu tongue

If I wake up to see the world still spins,
I dont expect to ever sing again.






Original


I tried to write a song for you today,
my fingers resting gently on the keys.
And there I stared, my legs rotting away,
elbows sinking slowly to my knees.

Eventually I formed a fist, and raised
it high enough to crash down on a chord,
a resonating energy that blazed
across the floor, the curtains, to the door.

the roar of fire    pounds     my mind
thick    smoke    filling     my lungs
muscles    seize    as    I     go  blind
choking    on a swollen     tongue

If I wake up to see the world still spins,
I dont expect to ever sing again.

[milo]

Hello

The title was possibly chosen to point to the central metaphor of the poem.  As for drawing the reader in, I don't think it does that if that was your intent. It looks like you may be going for a Shakespearean sonnet here so I will comment as if that is the goal.

I tried to write a song for you today,
my fingers resting gently on the keys.
And there I stared, my legs rotting away,
elbows sinking slowly to my knees.

It is an interesting opening image. So, we have a piano player, attempting to write a song.  I am assuming the rotting legs is a metaphor, I guess for the struggle to right the target a song.  The rhymes are fine though no problems there though not necessarily very challenging.  Each line is end stopped which is technically fine but you may consider some enjambment to bring interest to the reading.

Eventually I formed a fist, and raised
it high enough to crash down on a chord,
a resonating energy that blazed
across the floor, the curtains, to the door.

L2 here has 6 feet so there is a metric issue.  I don't have an issue with the slant rhyme. Finally we get a little enjambment on raised so that is nice.  Logically, how high does a fist need to be to crash down on a chord?  That is an issue.  The chord - strike then sets the room on fire which is fine with me.

the roar of fire    pounds     my mind
thick    smoke    filling     my lungs
muscles    seize    as    I     go  blind
choking    on a swollen     tongue

so, your meter kind of gets lost here - you go from Iambic Pentameter for the first full 2 S's to L1 - tetrameter, L2 -  trimeter, L3 tetrameter, L4 trimeter.  From a metric standpoint, I would consider fixing this to standard IP throughout. Also, "filling" would be better as "fills".   From a narrative standpoint, our N now is struggling with smoke, muscle paralysis, blindness and his tongue swells.  This is going to be a problem.

If I wake up to see the world still spins,
I dont expect to ever sing again.

Here we find our summary couplet.  For meter, we have tetrameter and then back to IP to finish it.  From a reader's point of view, I would enjoy it more as standard IP throughout.

For our narration, our N went to write a song, hit the piano, everything burst into flames, they suffered from smoke induced paralysis, asphyxia and blindness and now I am guessing "world still spins" is a metaphor for death so that is a pretty big concern.

I like the central metaphor of a song writer imagining losing control so fiercely they bring their world crashing down.  I don't know if the dramatic hyperbole is adding as much as the simple image but I thin kit works fine.

Thank you for posting

[David_Kaine]

The title was possibly chosen to point to the central metaphor of the poem.  As for drawing the reader in, I don't think it does that if that was your intent. It looks like you may be going for a Shakespearean sonnet here so I will comment as if that is the goal.

Thank you so much for commenting, i was going more for a concrete sonnet... I want to write a song so it sounds nice,  but then I cant so it sounds off, then I get mad and break it up completely.  If you've ever hit a piano with a fist its not exactly pleasant.  I thought the 'world spin' could make it sound like either he played music and life went on, or he burned everything down and asphyxiated.  Maybe its too dark
I hope my edits made things clearer, thank you again!

[milo]

The title was possibly chosen to point to the central metaphor of the poem.  As for drawing the reader in, I don't think it does that if that was your intent. It looks like you may be going for a Shakespearean sonnet here so I will comment as if that is the goal.

Thank you so much for commenting, i was going more for a concrete sonnet... I want to write a song so it sounds nice,  but then I cant so it sounds off, then I get mad and break it up completely.  If you've ever hit a piano with a fist its not exactly pleasant.  I thought the 'world spin' could make it sound like either he played music and life went on, or he burned everything down and asphyxiated.  Maybe its too dark
I hope my edits made things clearer, thank you again!

No such thing as "too dark" in my opinion.  I like the new title a lot more, myself, going to read the new version a few times and see what I think.

Thanks

[gruff]

Edit 1

I tried to write a song for you today,
my fingers resting gently on the keys.
And there I stared, forgetting how to play,
elbows sinking slowly to my knees.

Eventually I formed a fist, and raised
it high enough to crash down on a chord,
a resonating energy that blazed
across the floor, the curtains, out the door.

the roar y of fire  o   pounds  u   my mind
thick  you    smoke you   fills  you   my lungs
muscles  y  seize   as  o  I   go  u  blind
choking uuu on uu a uu swollen uuu tongue

If I wake up to see the world still spins,
I dont expect to ever sing again.






Original


I tried to write a song for you today,
my fingers resting gently on the keys.
And there I stared, my legs rotting away,
elbows sinking slowly to my knees.

Eventually I formed a fist, and raised
it high enough to crash down on a chord,
a resonating energy that blazed
across the floor, the curtains, to the door.

the roar of fire    pounds     my mind
thick    smoke    filling     my lungs
muscles    seize    as    I     go  blind
choking    on a swollen     tongue

If I wake up to see the world still spins,
I dont expect to ever sing again.

Hello  David_Kaine

I've been reading this today starting with the first Edit. Stanza 3, especially, seemed original and ambitious in the sonnet and I like the idea.
I'm no expert, but will leave a few thoughts below and hope they might be useful if you're still revising.

"And there I stared, forgetting how to play," the assonance between there/stared is quite nice here, but I wonder if there's better than "And there", e.g. something like "poised", that shows how the N is "there staring"

"across the floor, the curtains, out the door." To me, "out" seems to stretch the meter a little,  (I may be wrong, but) "to the door" read a little easier. Either way, I wonder if you could use this line to build up to the choking fire more - the only suggestion we have so far is the "blazing" of the chord - maybe that could start to take hold here

I like the interjections of the "choking" and even breaking the meter a little to simulate it in the last stanza. However, the last line feels a little too stretched to me - I'm out of breath before nearing the end - maybe a couple of more aspirated breaths in there, such as huu, would help? Assuming, that is, I'm reading it correctly, which I might not be.

[milo]

Edit 1

I tried to write a song for you today,
my fingers resting gently on the keys.
And there I stared, forgetting how to play,
elbows sinking slowly to my knees.

Eventually I formed a fist, and raised
it high enough to crash down on a chord,
a resonating energy that blazed
across the floor, the curtains, out the door.

the roar y of fire  o   pounds  u   my mind
thick  you    smoke you   fills  you   my lungs
muscles  y  seize   as  o  I   go  u  blind
choking uuu on uu a uu swollen uuu tongue

If I wake up to see the world still spins,
I dont expect to ever sing again.
 

Hello

I definitely prefer the new title, the edit is mostly solid.  I am not sure about the interjection of Y O U  and the spare u's, I am not sure how to read them.  I am sure you have some idea for them, I just can't figure out what it it - maybe to indicate that our narrator is suffering because of { y o u y o u} ?

Also, most of the meter was fixed except S3 which is all tetrameter.

Thanks

Original


I tried to write a song for you today,
my fingers resting gently on the keys.
And there I stared, my legs rotting away,
elbows sinking slowly to my knees.

Eventually I formed a fist, and raised
it high enough to crash down on a chord,
a resonating energy that blazed
across the floor, the curtains, to the door.

the roar of fire    pounds     my mind
thick    smoke    filling     my lungs
muscles    seize    as    I     go  blind
choking    on a swollen     tongue

If I wake up to see the world still spins,
I dont expect to ever sing again.

[David_Kaine]

@gruff
I'm no expert, but will leave a few thoughts below and hope they might be useful if you're still revising.

Thank you for taking the time, I think you've pointed out some weak spots that I can mull over, I get afraid of over editing, trying too hard, but I may be able to fix this up



I like the interjections of the "choking" and even breaking the meter a little to simulate it in the last stanza. However, the last line feels a little too stretched to me - I'm out of breath before nearing the end - maybe a couple of more aspirated breaths in there, such as huu, would help? Assuming, that is, I'm reading it correctly, which I might not be.

Maybe im not reading my own work right, both you and milo pointed out my second to last lines meter.  

if EYE wake UP to SEE the WORLD still SPINS (perhaps sounds like IF i wake UP?) I should rework it 
i DONT ex PECT to EVer SING aGAIN

The uuus are the 'you's but like little flame loops, more for visuals, you dont have to pronounce them but recognize they're there.

Thank you again.






@milo


I definitely prefer the new title, the edit is mostly solid. I am not sure about the interjection of Y O U and the spare u's, I am not sure how to read them. I am sure you have some idea for them, I just can't figure out what it it - maybe to indicate that our narrator is suffering because of { y o u y o u} ?

Because 'you' is the reason for the song, I thought the little uuus were like little flame loops, and the words 'you' and the letters spelling it are like the smoke, so you can pronounce it by saying you or just see it and know its there.

Also, most of the meter was fixed except S3 which is all tetrameter.

I think  i have one more edit in me, thank you again!

[gruff]

Apologies. I wrote "last stanza" and should have said S3. The final two lines read as you have written to me.

It was the y, o, uuu's that I was reading as choked breathing, and was struggling with, so milo's comments seem more appropriate.

Maybe italics or if you could drop the unpronounced letters to a lighter greyscale, with consistent meter in what is to be read/pronounced that might help? I still like the idea, but it's a tricky one to convey.