The Sieved Scales

[themanofmanyways]

A snow moon eyes the spring thickets,
Two worlds exist, in mirrored aim
Wood kings skulk to singing crickets
Alone and proud, of regal frame

The swift prize takes to frantic flight
Its hinds ache, breath burning with flame
Joy and misery, bound in rite,
Together meld in sacred game

The game ends; one's eyes lose light
Two worlds existed. One remains.
To live to take, to live again.
To wheel the world through costly gain


I would also like to know if the "burns" sounds better than "burning" to you all.

[RichardBosten]

A snow moon eyes the spring thickets,
Two worlds exist, in mirrored aim
Wood kings skulk to singing crickets
Alone and proud, of regal frame

The swift prize takes to frantic flight
Its hinds ache, breath burning with flame
Joy and misery, bound in rite,
Together meld in sacred game

The game ends; one's eyes lose light
Two worlds existed. One remains.
To live to take, to live again.
To wheel the world through costly gain


I would also like to know if the "burns" sounds better than "burning" to you all.

 

I think I like burning . Either one works but burning just feels right.
I enjoyed this. 
I will leave more detailed critiques to the more experienced .

[themanofmanyways]

A snow moon eyes the spring thickets
Two worlds exist, in mirrored aim
Wood kings skulk to singing crickets
Alone and proud, of regal frame

The swift prize takes to frantic flight
Its hinds ache, breath burning with flame
Joy and misery, bound in rite
Together meld in sacred game

The game ends; one's eyes lose light
Two worlds existed. One remains
To live to take, to live again
To wheel the world through costly gain


Especially open to metrical tips, though any critique is welcome.

[themanofmanyways]

Thanks for sharing this; I enjoyed it. With the rhyme and the meter, the poem has a stately, elevated feel to it which works well for the subject matter. In terms of the meter, it seems like you are going for iambic tetrameter. The rhyme doesn't feel forced, though it's a shame about the final stanza in that regard. I've added some more detailed comments below; I hope you find them useful.

A snow moon eyes the spring thickets THICK-ets is normally stressed on the first syllable, which would give an unstressed end to your first line, but I read it as THICK-ETS (spondaic).
Two worlds exist, in mirrored aim good iambic tetrameter. I would maybe drop the comma.
Wood kings skulk to singing crickets  I read this as WOOD KINGS SKULK so three stresses. The rhyme pulls it along at the end.
Alone and proud, of regal frame nice (however, there is a slight inconsistency in the imagery, as first the wood kings skulk which has a hint of cowardice and the sinister, but then in the next line they are described as proud)

If you are aiming for stronger iambic rhythm at the ends of your first and third lines, you could change singing to sing, and then try moving spring/sing to the end of their respective lines--this pair both rhymes and ends naturally with a stress. You would then have to move (or replace) thickets/crickets to an earlier position in the lines without ruining the syntax. Just an observation anyway. 

The swift prize takes to frantic flight - nice iambic movement that mirrors the sense of the line, works well with the alliteration of frantic flight
Its hinds ache, breath burning with flame - I feel like its is too abstract here, perhaps? I read this as four stresses in a row with HINDS ACHE BREATH BURN. Gives a breathless feel; in-line with the meaning, but reads slightly clunky, especially with the comma. I think you have missed an opportunity to speed up the pace in this line and to describe more of the frantic flight in action. Also, burning with flame is a repetitive image: burning is flame, flame is burning.
Joy and misery, bound in rite
/     x    /   x x   /        x  /
 - a stress at the start with JOY but seems intentional here. The line works really well - it sounds like an incantation.
Together meld in sacred game - good iambic rhythm brings the stanza to a nice close, sacred game is a witty pun

The game ends; one's eyes lose light repetition of game so quickly, which lessens its effect. One's eyes reads a little heavy.
Two worlds existed. One remains You are hammering home the fact of the death - you say it in three to four different ways over the space of two lines (game ends/lose light/existed/one remains)
To live to take, to live again the rhyming scheme was strong until this line again/light 
To wheel the world through costly gain This whole stanza is strong iambic tetrameter.  This final line seems abstract compared to the rest of the poem. The line gives a sense of the cycle of life, and of steering, but a wheel is a man-made object, and you avoid those kind of direct allusions earlier in the poem. For me, wheel jars with the otherwise mostly naturalistic diction of your poem. Also, (maybe a typo) why not gains for the rhyme?


[Completely tangential but your line 'wheel the world' made me think of 'wield the world', which reminded me of this short story by Ray Bradbury https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Scythe_(short_story) ]

Thank you very much for the advice. I have tried to make revisions in accordance with your input. Please find it below and tell me what you think if it isn't much trouble. It's fine to mix and match relative strengths of both.

For some added context, it's supposed to be a set piece for a story set in the 1850s. Hence I'm striving for greater metrical success. Worst comes to worst I'll call the person who wrote it a bad/amateurish poet, but I'll try to clean it up to the best of my ability nonetheless.


As thickets cloak the moon in spring
Two worlds exist in mirrored aim
The crickets shrill to forest king
Alone and proud, of crouching frame

The prize then takes to frantic flight
With aching hinds its breath aflame
Both mirth and misery, bound in rite
Together meld in sacred game

A rip and tear of vital vein
Of worlds that were now one remains
To live, to take, to live again
To wheel the world through costly gains- Hmm I see your point about man-made allusions. I'll have to think about this line some more. Gain vs gains huh?. I preferred singular because it read more as a category to me. Almost Platonic. Plural is fine too though, and works better with remains..


The idea I had in mind was to use the collapsing rhyme scheme as an analogue for one of the two worlds disappearing. So we have ABAB while two exist, and AAAA when the prey dies. I'll think more about how to create an alternative with the continuing rhyme scheme. 

My amateur observation of this version is that the stanzas feel more disjointed in pacing than the last. Especially the final one now. But possibly that's because I've looked at the old version a lot more and read it aloud more often. What do you think?

[busker]

A snow moon eyes the spring thickets
Two worlds exist, in mirrored aim
Wood kings skulk to singing crickets
Alone and proud, of regal frame ... what 'wood kings'? what 'two worlds'? how can something 'of regal frame' be 'skulking'? It looks like the poet has tried to write lines that rhyme, without much regard for what the lines are trying to say.

The swift prize takes to frantic flight
Its hinds ache, breath burning with flame
Joy and misery, bound in rite
Together meld in sacred game   ... as above

The game ends; one's eyes lose light
Two worlds existed. One remains
To live to take, to live again
To wheel the world through costly gain    ... ditto


Especially open to metrical tips, though any critique is welcome.

Hi - here's an old thread that might give you some guidance: https://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-15730.html

[themanofmanyways]

A snow moon eyes the spring thickets
Two worlds exist, in mirrored aim
Wood kings skulk to singing crickets
Alone and proud, of regal frame ... what 'wood kings'? what 'two worlds'? how can something 'of regal frame' be 'skulking'? It looks like the poet has tried to write lines that rhyme, without much regard for what the lines are trying to say.

The swift prize takes to frantic flight
Its hinds ache, breath burning with flame
Joy and misery, bound in rite
Together meld in sacred game   ... as above

The game ends; one's eyes lose light
Two worlds existed. One remains
To live to take, to live again
To wheel the world through costly gain    ... ditto


Especially open to metrical tips, though any critique is welcome.

Hi - here's an old thread that might give you some guidance: https://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-15730.html

Thanks a lot for the feedback. If I have to explain the lines in my own poem (wood kings/two worlds/skulking predators), its fair to say it could be made clearer. I will consult the link again and see what others think to to see what can be done.

[whisperer]

This is a tight piece. Your meter and rhyme scheme is on point and consistent. I would leave the "burning" as it fits your meter perfectly. However, poetry rules are there to be broken. Which brings me to your last stanza. You veer away from your rhyming scheme. I'm not sure if that was intentional, but it does tarnish the tightness of the rest of the piece. Also, the first line of the last stanza misses your meter a bit. Again, not sure if that was intentional. Other than that, great imagery, wonderful word choices and a great flow with the rhyme scheme and meter. Well done. Thanks for sharing.

[themanofmanyways]

As thickets cloak the moon in spring
Two worlds exist in mirrored aim
The crickets shrill to forest king
Alone and proud, of crouching frame

The prize then takes to frantic flight
With aching hinds its breath aflame
Both mirth and misery, bound in rite
Together meld in sacred game

A rip and tear of vital vein
Of worlds that were now one remains
To live, to take, to live again
To wheel the world through costly gains

Hello. Looking for metrical tips and hints to polish out this poem. Some questions:

1. In line 2, would "Two worlds" count as a spondee?
   
2. Do you think "crouching" in line 3 should be swapped out for another word? I am thinking of "lethal", "skulking", "hidden". Open to suggestions.
   
3. Does line 7 "Both mirth" count as a spondee?
   
4. Would reading line 10 "Of worlds that were now one remains" iambically be strange to you?
   
5. How do you feel about the rhyme scheme, especially in the final stanza?
   
6. Of course any criticism or observations of any type are welcome.