Ode to my Teacup

[Mostly Holy]

"Ode to my Teacup" (revised)

Oh fragile cup of ash-bound clay,
more precious far than gold, I say!
Tho lovelier still is what you bring;
That stained elixir that makes me sing,
whose darkling aromas restore my wit
as with my marmalade on toast I sit.

Through vacant day, as I gaze into space,
you wait beside me in privileged place.
Into you I pour from my china pot
an Asiatic brew so dark and hot.
All day long, I return for refills,
to steep my brain in your tea-leaf swirls.

Until one day I slip or stumble
and treasured chalice takes a tumble--
A chip, a crack, a total smash;
So sad, too bad, into the trash.
To my hand another cup shall rise,
as valued as that which just demised.

---

older versions

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Oh fragile vessel of ash-bound clay,
More precious are you than gold any day!
Tho lovelier still is what you bring;
That stained elixir that makes me sing,
Whose darkling aromas restore my wit
as with marmalade'd toast, I do sit.

Through vacant day, as I gaze into space,
You wait beside me in privileged place.
Into you I pour, from china pot,
An Asiatic brew, piping hot;
All day long, I return for refills,
To steep my brain in your tea-leaf swirls.

Until one day I slip or stumble
and treasured chalice takes a tumble--
A chip, a crack, a total smash;
So sad, too bad, into the trash.
To my hand another cup shall rise,
As valued as that which just demised.

---

Not really looking for serious feedback on this, but is it properly lyrical, and does my meter hold? I have so much trouble with that ::pensive::

[MidaPoems]

First of all, the title is well fitting.

It looks very lyrical. The rhyme scheme AABBCC is consistent throughout the work.
Alliteration is very present, like a fragile vessel, precious gold, ...
Assonance is also well worked in the poem.

---

Some lines don't hold the meter, it's iambic (looks like heptameter, not 100% sure tho)

Stanza 1
Line 1 has 5 feet, where if it were a heptameter, you'd want 7 unless this was meant this way.
Line 2 has 7 feet (good).
Line 3 has 4 feet; it's a tetrameter, as if cut short a bit.
Line 4 is good, 7 feet
Line 5 is good, 7 feet
Line 6 has 6 feet. It starts with a stressed syllable. So, the first foot is a trochee. The marmalade'd makes it dactyl; this in turn makes the rhythm feel stumbling, awkward.

Stanza 2
Line 7 has 6 feet, a special one too. it's mostly iambic. due to the part into space, it can be read as in-to space, which would fit well. It can also result in feeling forced in my opinion.
Line 8 is good, 7 feet.
Line 9 has 5 feet and is irregular. starts with a trochee (in-to) like line 6, so no iamb in the start. The middle shows two stresses in a row; it messes up the rhythm and breaks the pattern (no foul intentions with the phrasing). It doesn't match the surrounding lines.
Line 10 has 6 feet, Asiatic has a strange stress pattern; it just reads difficult to say it's iambic.
line 11 has 5 feet, due to "day-long, I", there are 3 stresses so close to one another, the rhythm falls here again.
Line 12 is good, 7 feet.

Stanza 3
Line 13 has 6 feet. I slip creates two stresses in a row, breaking the iambic rhythm.
Line 14 is good, 7 feet.
Line 15 has 4 feet in this situation; it is good, I believe you purposely left behind the meter to mirror the smash, if not, nice instincts. the line is all stressed syllables and fragments, but it works perfectly here. It's a bit spondaic
Line 16 has 4 feet, a heavily stressed syllable, Into the trash, is iambic, but doesn't feel like it is in my opinion.
Line 17 has 6 feet, the pattern is broken with "my hand a", two stresses next to each other.
Line 18 is good, has 7 feet.


The general conclusion, not every line has the same amount of stress/meter. If you truly want it to have 7 stresses every line, you'd need to add some in other lines.
I think I dissected it thoroughly enough. What seems to be happening is that your meter is not truly consistent in every line.
I am no expert, far from it's all self-taught so I believe there could be mistakes. This is just my dissection, but it shows that there are multiple irregularities in meter and some slight irregularities in the pattern of stressed and unstressed syllables. but never does it stray too far. you're always close to the 7, except for a very small group of lines.

[Mostly Holy]

Ty so much, that is very helpful! I will look into some rephrasing to try to make things fit

[Mostly Holy]

Okay I have worked on it some more, there are a bunch of anapests but I think I have stamped out the really egregious lines and it is mostly iambic tetrameter now. I hope? Honestly, I find scansion so difficult, I wish there was a reliable automatic tool for it!

[RichardBosten]

I really enjoyed this one !
I think the meter works.
While the meter is mixed, I feel it flows more naturally like a conversation.
A consistent rhyme scheme throughout along side clever wit makes for an enjoyable experience.
The poem also progressed in a logical order ending with the tragic chip and replacement .
Thank you for sharing .

[Mostly Holy]

Yw, and ty for your kind words!