The waking nightmare [may trigger some people]

[MidaPoems]

The Waking Nightmare

Awake, to never dream.
A single flash—
A whole life passes.

Esoteric,
the weight of suffering.
Suffering
that shouldn’t be mine.

Glimpses of all that live,
burdensome.
scratching my face.
avoiding my sight.

I won't close my eyes again,
avoidance of what I've seen.

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My signature explains my style. Yet I want to know if my wording is alright. If the depth of the layers holds true.

[sun_sparks]

The Waking Nightmare

Awake, yet dreaming.
A single flash of eyelids— You're attempting, in my read of this, to evoke the blink of an eye, but I find this personally an awkward phrasing. 
A whole life passes. This feels cliché. A life passes in the blink of an eye. I'd play with this more.

Esoteric,
The weight of
Suffering 
That shouldn’t be mine. I find it hard to read poetry that capitalizes the first word but also contains standard punctuation. I wonder if the flow would be easier to follow without all the caps. I know this is a debate!

To live so many lives
In so little time—
So long—
It makes me scratch, From here, the poem becomes more physical in parts. I think this is more visceral and evokes more sensation for the reader.  
Not my eyes, 
For I fear I’d never
Live my own 
Again.

So I scratch my face instead,
Fingers bleeding,
As horror spreads—
The muted horror
Of humanity. I like where the poem goes at the end - to the witnessing of horror across humanity vs individual horror, but it arrives quite abruptly. Above there's an implication of carrying others' suffering but it feels more personal, as in the suffering of those in our lives. 

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My signature explains my style. Yet I want to know if my wording is alright. If the depth of the layers holds true.

Thank you for sharing this MidPoems. This is my first attempt at an intensive critique, so I hope it meets your needs. I note your comments in your signature. 
I like the concept of your poem - that our lives flash by before us and we often carry the weight of others. The idea of scratching your face because you don't want to scratch how you witness your own life is interesting. But, I think the poetry relies too much on cliche to carry this through, so it doesn't really convey any emotion to me as a reader. I'd love to see you focus more on the physical sensations and move beyond what's currently here. We get a hint of this at the end.

[busker]

The Waking Nightmare

Awake, yet dreaming.   ... bordering on cliche. Weak.
A single flash of eyelids— 
A whole life passes.   ... I like these two lines.

Esoteric,  ... the poem is starting to feel esoteric, and not in a good way. More like 'what the heck are you trying to say?'
The weight of
Suffering  ... why does this sentence run across three lines? Why the pause after 'weight of', implied by the line break? This makes no sense
That shouldn’t be mine.  ... I have no idea what or whose suffering is being talked about here. You haven't given the reason sufficient context or reason to be read on at this point.

To live so many lives
In so little time—
So long—
It makes me scratch,
Not my eyes,
For I fear I’d never
Live my own
Again.  ... no idea what you're trying to say, and once again you've just thrown in a bunch of vague, trying-too-hard-to-be-profound sort of sentences.

So I scratch my face instead,
Fingers bleeding,
As horror spreads—
The muted horror
Of humanity.  ... the poem ends with a frustrated reader

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My signature explains my style.  ... bad writing is not a 'style'. You're not writing a journal entry, but something that presumably needs a reader to understand and enjoy. Anyone can write vague sentences playing at profundity.

Yet I want to know if my wording is alright.  ... save for L2 and L3, there's nothing here that's all right.

If the depth of the layers holds true.  ... there is no depth, there are no layers, ergo nothing to hold true. 

Hi Mida - I suggest you read this thread if you're looking to improve your craft: https://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-15730.html


Meaningless Poetry


Dark and clear,
Changing,
The world is orange--
I pray for the rabbits
In the meadow.
Novice poetry is often full of unrelated images and incoherent thoughts. These feeble attempts at surrealism do little-to-nothing to get any kind of informative message across to the reader. While many of the poets who write in this form will defend that their poetry "means whatever you want it to mean", I believe that this is a cop-out from someone unable to write poetry of genuine, significant meaning.
While there is nothing wrong with surrealism, it must be used very carefully and lead to an essential theme or logic. Random strings of unrelated words and thoughts don't read as poetry; they read as nonsense. Poetry should be clear and concise--no reader wants to wade through impenetrable fog.

[MidaPoems]

Thanks for taking the time to give feedback —
I can see you’re emphasizing clarity, structure, and reader accessibility.

I agree those are crucial elements in poetry.
I also want to clarify that the style I’m exploring pulls some techniques from the Modernists: fragmentation, associative imagery, and interiority. Writers like T.S. Eliot, H.D., Mina Loy, and early surrealist-adjacent poets often used disjunction and emotional abstraction not as ‘randomness’, but as a way to mirror psychological states or fractured perception.

That said, Modernists still grounded their work in an underlying coherence or emotional through-line, and that’s something I’m working to develop more deliberately. Your critique helps highlight where the clarity breaks down for a reader, so I appreciate that part. I’ll keep refining the piece with that in mind.

The poem was a simple poem about: a person overwhelmed by visions, emotions, or imagined lives not their own, trying to claw their way back into their own identity amid the quiet, pervasive suffering of being human.

I don't consider it to be meaningless if were not talking nihilistically, then yes all poetry is inherently meaningless. Salvation would be death. everything would be pointless, yet is for all are destined to be forgotten in the race against the clock. 2 Generations and a name is barely spoken, 3 and they don't even know it. Until all ceases to exist, even the memory of you.

For those unable to translate what's said:
dissociation → inherited suffering → temporal distortion → self-protective fear → redirected self-harm → universalized horror (that's the flow)

[busker]

Thanks for taking the time to give feedback —
I can see you’re emphasizing clarity, structure, and reader accessibility.

I agree those are crucial elements in poetry.
I also want to clarify that the style I’m exploring pulls some techniques from the Modernists: fragmentation, associative imagery, and interiority. Writers like T.S. Eliot, H.D., Mina Loy, and early surrealist-adjacent poets often used disjunction and emotional abstraction not as ‘randomness’, but as a way to mirror psychological states or fractured perception.

That said, Modernists still grounded their work in an underlying coherence or emotional through-line, and that’s something I’m working to develop more deliberately. Your critique helps highlight where the clarity breaks down for a reader, so I appreciate that part. I’ll keep refining the piece with that in mind.

The poem was a simple poem about: a person overwhelmed by visions, emotions, or imagined lives not their own, trying to claw their way back into their own identity amid the quiet, pervasive suffering of being human.
I don't consider it to be meaningless if were not talking nihilistically, then yes all poetry is inherently meaningless. Salvation would be death. everything would be pointless, yet is for all are destined to be forgotten in the race against the clock. 2 Generations and a name is barely spoken, 3 and they don't even know it. Until all ceases to exist, even the memory of you.

For those unable to translate what's said:
dissociation → inherited suffering → temporal distortion → self-protective fear → redirected self-harm → universalized horror (that's the flow)

I would suggest that you work your way through formal, metrical poetry first to master the craft, and then move on to more difficult things like free verse later

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There’s meaningless, and there’s meaningless.

You are thinking too much of the content of your poem. The reader won’t give a toss about the content of your poem unless it’s presented with a modicum of technique.

Don’t take your philosophy so seriously. No one gives a damn. No one cares a damn about what you’re really trying to say unless you’re able to say it skilfully enough for them to give a damn.

That’s my point.

Read Colin Ward’s tips.