Violent violets

[MidaPoems]

Violent violets

Violent violets crashing in the ground.
petals flying, their story - dying.

Angelic choir singing out of tune.
translated, their life ended too soon.
As the choir fades to disharmony.
Petals are blown away,

I say to him;
It'll be okay.


Revision 1:
Violent violets crashing in the ground.
petals flying, their story - dying.

Angelic choir singing out of tune.
translated, their life ended too soon.
The chorus fading - disharmony.
Petals are blown away,

I say to him;
It'll be okay.
As long as I can stay.

Staying may not last,
I'll hold you closer -
In the past.

---

I tried using more rhyme. less instinctual and more of a fixed meter.

[Mostly Holy]

Oh this is gorgeous, so much great imagery of the destruction of fragile beauty, a young life cut off in mid song, really brutal. I almost think "say" is a bit weak in the closer, perhaps "I lie to him;" or "I promise him;" The rhymes work well, not too many and not too few, and the unbalanced meter gives it the perfect uneasy edge. "Angelic choir singing out of tune" is the only line that seems to wobble, mostly because of the two possible pronunciations of "choir", but I do not think it needs to be fixed, it works as a "wobble" in the poem anyway, like a voice breaking from grief

[whisperer]

I liked the original version better than the revision except for the main stanza with the angelic choir. The revision shows more language and more advanced word choices. I feel the piece moves gently through the pain, though I think you could develop into that emotion a little more without getting too cliche. I'm not a big fan of the final add on stanza even though I personally love wisdom pieces, but it just seems a little out of place here. Sure, it adds closure to the emotion, but I feel it's more poignant to end with "I say to him/It'll be ok". We all know it's not, but we paint a smile on the pain and move on and, inevitably, write beautiful poetry. Well done. I love the velvety imagery. It's gentle and painful and beautiful. Thanks for sharing this lovely little read.

[MidaPoems]

No problem, thanks for your opinion on the piece.
It was an experiment cause I don't work that much with imagery. 
I work mostly in layers.

I kept the original here; poetry is still subjective.
You may find the original better; I like both, some may like the revised.
It's all personally bound.

Still, I'm very grateful for your feedback!

[sun_sparks]

Violent violets

Violent violets crashing in the ground.
petals flying, their story - dying.

Angelic choir singing out of tune.
translated, their life ended too soon.
As the choir fades to disharmony.
Petals are blown away,

I say to him;
It'll be okay.


Revision 1:
Violent violets crashing in the ground.
petals flying, their story - dying.

Angelic choir singing out of tune.
translated, their life ended too soon.
The chorus fading - disharmony.
Petals are blown away,

I say to him;
It'll be okay.
As long as I can stay.

Staying may not last,
I'll hold you closer -
In the past.

---

I tried using more rhyme. less instinctual and more of a fixed meter.

I too preferred version 1 a little, particularly the ending, which leaves you suspended. Once you start to explain, it becomes abstract. I had Baz Luhrman's Romeo and Juliet in my head when I read this. Although, admittedly, the choir was not out of tune then!