Show Me That You Care

[MightyPen]

This is my first time putting together any sort of uniquely structured artistic expression like this. This is something I wrote down recently based on things I've been feeling very strongly and when I looked at it, I liked it. It's probably not very good, but that's why I at least wanted to show it to people in this way, where it might be looked at and regarded, and it does help to know whether people like or don't like it so that I know whether or not this is a craft that I have instincts for or not.

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I open every door, I climb every stair
Just to come and find you, to show you that I care
You're impossible to reach, always distant and shut in
Am I asking too much? Forgive me if I butt in

You say you need comfort, kind words, a feeling that you belong
I need those things too, but perhaps that makes me wrong
Because I come in with all my heart, discard the weight of my story
And I'm met with apprehension that makes me say that I'm sorry

Why are love and affection the hardest for me to obtain?
When it is you who is in need, why is it me who needs to beg?
I have nothing left, this is it, no more can I bear
I wish you would come and find me, to show me that you care

[dukealien]

This is my first time putting together any sort of uniquely structured artistic expression like this. This is something I wrote down recently based on things I've been feeling very strongly and when I looked at it, I liked it. It's probably not very good, but that's why I at least wanted to show it to people in this way, where it might be looked at and regarded, and it does help to know whether people like or don't like it so that I know whether or not this is a craft that I have instincts for or not.

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I open every door, I climb every stair
Just to come and find you, to show you that I care
You're impossible to reach, always distant and shut in
Am I asking too much? Forgive me if I butt in

You say you need comfort, kind words, a feeling that you belong
I need those things too, but perhaps that makes me wrong
Because I come in with all my heart, discard the weight of my story
And I'm met with apprehension that makes me say that I'm sorry

Why are love and affection the hardest for me to obtain?
When it is you who is in need, why is it me who needs to beg?
I have nothing left, this is it, no more can I bear
I wish you would come and find me, to show me that you care

In basic critique, I can't answer your question about whether you have instincts for the craft of poetry.  But some suggestions along two lines.

First, your poem is psychologically complex, realistic, and honest:  the speaker starts out criticizing the object of the speech for not responding to sincere, caring approaches.  In the middle, there's a hint of passive aggression; at the end, the speaker opens up with real need for attention and an admission that the speaker might be lost and lacking in some respects.  (That may not be exactly what you intended, but the point is, there's a lot here.)

Second, technique.  You have no set meter, and the rhyme scheme is a little forced and breaks down at the end.  Those, you can learn:  they take practice, and here you've already practiced once.  Don't force rhyme, it's not necessary:  blank verse, with a beat but no rhyme, can be very effective.  Look on this site (and others) for forms to try.  Develop your vocabulary:  rhyming is best when the right word just falls into place from your personal word-cloud as if you were working toward it instead of searching for the right word when you come to the end of a line and need it.

Combining those ideas, write more.  Try writing in third person, as if telling a story ("He needed any show, a passing a word/to know she truly cared or even heard").  Write nonsense:  it's easier to rhyme (g).  Describe things you see.  Enjoy writing - it's fun!

[teadreamslosangeles]

I really like this, something I would recommend starting out is that you don't need to focus on forcing the rhyme scheme this much. It can throw off how you want to express yourself. I found that starting with poems that don't rhyme allowed me to develop my voice before I focused on schemes.

[Todd]

This is my first time putting together any sort of uniquely structured artistic expression like this. This is something I wrote down recently based on things I've been feeling very strongly and when I looked at it, I liked it. It's probably not very good, but that's why I at least wanted to show it to people in this way, where it might be looked at and regarded, and it does help to know whether people like or don't like it so that I know whether or not this is a craft that I have instincts for or not.

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I open every door, I climb every stair
Just to come and find you, to show you that I care
You're impossible to reach, always distant and shut in
Am I asking too much? Forgive me if I butt in

You say you need comfort, kind words, a feeling that you belong
I need those things too, but perhaps that makes me wrong
Because I come in with all my heart, discard the weight of my story
And I'm met with apprehension that makes me say that I'm sorry

Why are love and affection the hardest for me to obtain?
When it is you who is in need, why is it me who needs to beg?
I have nothing left, this is it, no more can I bear
I wish you would come and find me, to show me that you care

Poetry is like any other skill. Repetition and work beat instinct and talent. In fact what is called talent is usually a massive amount of repetition. So, don't get hung up on that. Everyone's poetry sucks for a long time. Then you will go up a plateau and you'll say I'm better and you will be. Six months later you'll look at what you've written and hate it. Which means again ironically that you've gotten better. The cycle will repeat. Eventually, you'll be able to unlock what you're trying to say and your connection with your own voice will emerge.

To this poem. I think by trying to make the rhymes work you sometimes slip into just sharing a lot of surface, abstract ideas. Abstractions like care, love, or telling phrasing like always distant tell us things without showing us things. It's like writing in shorthand and expecting your readers to know exactly what you mean. Concrete showing through actions or examples make your writing hit harder.

Glad to have you on the site. I don't want to go too deeply in Basic.

hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd

[whisperer]

First of all, it takes a tremendous amount of courage to out your work out there lie this. Notice I said the word "work". As much as poetry is an art and an expression, it takes work, as mentioned in the other comments. Keep at it. Work at it. Have fun with it. Get bored of it. Get frustrated with it. Then love it all over again. Develop your voice then scream it to the open air.

Whether you have an instinct or not, only you can tell. With everything in life, talent will only take you so far, hard work takes you the rest of the way.

As for this piece, I think you're on to something. You have a good idea of pacing and sound and stayed with a structured rhyming scheme without compromising your message too much. You seem to understand imagery and poet language, so you seem to have a good foundation to build on.

As I said, and the other comments too, keep writing, keep working, and keep growing.

Great work and thanks for sharing