Dear Diary

[awv-fitzy]

note to critics: i desperately need line breaks. if you have any ideas at splitting this frankenstein up please share.
note to all readers: cities mentioned are not real. based on a real place, though. 
---
August 3rd, 2015
dear diary
we all went to the fine fabrics store in saraville over the break 
its so big
theres a cutting table in the center a good 30 yards long
thats about 27 and a half meters, my dear presumably metric diary
its so big
i questioned my sanity when they said there's another in trussboro
-i repeat his words- another one in trussboro?
-he's a step ahead of me- and just as big.
its so big
that the workers had to talk with each other over the phone
although its so quiet
that while i was in the middle i could make out half of their conversation
-from the back of the table- a sound like the adults from peanuts.
-from the front- 6.99?
-6.99, yes.
-trumpets.
-put it somewhere in upholstery.
-giant steps, by john coltrane, rendered in customer service tenor.
its so quiet
that i wondered if it wouldn't be a good idea to have a library attached
after all there were two levels of fabric which made the whole place look like giant bookshelves
one'd tilt out the rolls, just like one tilted a book out to see the back blurb
and to feel the velvet on the top in one of the aisles i had to stretch my arm up and kind of pull on them
and there i was
something like a three foot kid
tugging on strangers clothes
lost in a labyrinth of legs
looking for a mother in the crowd
stopping to stare at one or another passing by
a mother i could not pick
the fabric i dare not wear
-my mother admits- it is pretty, but what would you make out of it?
-i've a number of ideas- I don't know, I guess mostly I just wanted to show you.
-my grandmother chimes in- I mean, I myself would want to just have it.
-we all agree- something to roll around in.
i get light headed as i wander
like im being called by sirens at the rocks
to fade into the felt and disappear
into satin, out of sight

[the_bellman]

I like this a lot. I actually read it through in one big gulp – it kept my interest to the end. And the ending is good as well, changing the reader's perspective. In one word, bravo.

I don't think you need line breaks. It works as it is. There are some poets who don't use line breaks that often. Check out James Tate, for example.

There are some places in the middle that I found a little confusing. Maybe you can look at them:
- trumpets and john coltrane. This does not agree with the mental picture painted by other lines (although it's so quiet... it is so quiet)
- the "library attached" part – I could not build a mental image of what you had in mind, and you lost me for a couple of lines, until the words "to feel the velvet"

[whisperer]

I think this reads well as it is. Maybe add more natural punctuation, mostly for the overall look of the piece, so it looks more like natural prose or a natural diary entry.

I love this little section;

and there i was
something like a three foot kid
tugging on strangers clothes
lost in a labyrinth of legs
looking for a mother in the crowd
stopping to stare at one or another passing by
a mother i could not pick
the fabric i dare not wear

It's magical and whimsical and a little frightening to have that freedom but to be alone in it. I think you've captured that nicely. You've shown some poetic prowess here and its a little break from the language used in the rest of the piece. Maybe highlight this more by sectioning it off as a separate stanza, or in italics (that's for you to play around with).

I wouldn't worry too much about line breaks as much as I would focus on allowing your true poetic voice speak out in your work. Keep up the great work and thanks for sharing.

[cait.05]

I enjoyed your poem, you took us along your trip to the fabric store, and I think you captured your feelings well.
You asked for line breaks, so here are my suggestions:
-he's a step ahead of me- and just as big / its so big. The first line break can be here, then the next one between -giant steps, by john coltrane, rendered in customer service tenor. / its so quiet
Another one maybe here: and there i was / something like a three foot kid, maybe the last one here -we all agree- something to roll around in. / i get light headed as i wander

I was a bit confused at some parts, when you said
i questioned my sanity when they said there's another in trussboro
-i repeat his words- another one in trussboro?
-he's a step ahead of me- and just as big.

why were you surprised to find out there's another store? because of the size?

also I had to read this part multiple times to understand what you meant, maybe you could reword it?
one'd tilt out the rolls, just like one tilted a book out to see the back blurb
and to feel the velvet on the top in one of the aisles i had to stretch my arm up and kind of pull on them

I really like the ending and the part in the middle about overhearing their conversation; your imagery there is really good. I wouldn't have thought to write a poem about a fabric store, I think your poem is very creative and I liked it a lot!