Low self esteem

[Bitnee]

Hello all. Here is another first draft of an idea for a poem. I wrote this quickly as it came to my mind just to get it down. I am aware it needs more work and probably better structured maybe shortened. I welcome advice!

I lost my self esteem today
Well who am I kidding?
You can’t lose what you never had 
But trust me I’ve been searching
For ways to make me feel less sad

I was the quiet kid in school
Too scared to look anyone in the eye
But that was easy to do 
Way too damn easy
Cause nobody bothered to look at me either
Or ever notice me cry

If I could go back in time 
Then maybe I’d try
To hide my anxiety
Lock it deep down inside

So I could pretend to be normal
A person others would want to notice
Instead of hiding and wanting to die 

I lost my self esteem today 
And inside my mind I was back in time
That scared weird kid
Fear flooding through my veins
And screaming inside my mind

I wish that I had the guts back then
To admit to someone that I needed help
I didn’t think anyone would listen
Because the devil would laugh at me
Tauntingly calling me worthless everyday
So I believed what he said 

If I knew then what I know now
I would have been honest
I felt so alone and would hurt myself
And nobody ever even noticed
So i guess I got good at being invisible
Even to people that knew me

As time went on I sought help for myself
I still have my bad days of low self esteem 
But I try to comfort my inner child
To let them know they were never worthless 
And always deserved love
After all don’t we all?

[Todd]

When you have a narrative structure that is touching close to your experience, it can be easy to hide behind abstract words that makes the poem tell rather than show.

Quiet kid
Self-esteem
my anxiety
scared weird kid

Try thinking of concrete imagery that lets the reader infer those things. Show an action, use a metaphor. I could give you an example but I don't want to lead you.

This is how you'll pull the reader into your experience.

Hope that helps.

Best,
Todd

[Bitnee]

When you have a narrative structure that is touching close to your experience, it can be easy to hide behind abstract words that makes the poem tell rather than show.

Quiet kid
Self-esteem
my anxiety
scared weird kid

Try thinking of concrete imagery that lets the reader infer those things. Show an action, use a metaphor. I could give you an example but I don't want to lead you.

This is how you'll pull the reader into your experience.

Hope that helps.

Best,
Todd

Thank you! Great advice I’m so rusty that just been throwing out abstract instead of using imagery which makes my poems not as effective. Thanks for the help!

[Bitnee]

Hello all. Here is another first draft of an idea for a poem. I wrote this quickly as it came to my mind just to get it down. I am aware it needs more work and probably better structured maybe shortened. I welcome advice!

I lost my self esteem today
Well who am I kidding?
You can’t lose what you never had 
But trust me I’ve been searching
For ways to make me feel less sad

I was the quiet kid in school
Too scared to look anyone in the eye
But that was easy to do 
Way too damn easy
Cause nobody bothered to look at me either
Or ever notice me cry

If I could go back in time 
Then maybe I’d try
To hide my anxiety
Lock it deep down inside

So I could pretend to be normal
A person others would want to notice
Instead of hiding and wanting to die 

I lost my self esteem today 
And inside my mind I was back in time
That scared weird kid
Fear flooding through my veins
And screaming inside my mind

I wish that I had the guts back then
To admit to someone that I needed help
I didn’t think anyone would listen
Because the devil would laugh at me
Tauntingly calling me worthless everyday
So I believed what he said 

If I knew then what I know now
I would have been honest
I felt so alone and would hurt myself
And nobody ever even noticed
So i guess I got good at being invisible
Even to people that knew me

As time went on I sought help for myself
I still have my bad days of low self esteem 
But I try to comfort my inner child
To let them know they were never worthless 
And always deserved love
After all don’t we all?

Second draft 

I lost my self esteem today-
I check under the bed to see if it fell in the pile of dust
Sweeping the unkept mess it’s not under there
I rummage through the garbage thinking I might have thrown it away
No sign of it anywhere it’s hidden away

 I was a quiet kid in school
The one who would sit in the back
Distracting myself by drawing
Hearing the others laughing
Never once was there mention of my name

I learned to stare at my desk
too scared to look anyone in the eye
Nobody bothered to look back at me anyway
Which made it easier to hide my tearful cries

If I could go back in time I’d shove my anxiety into a locker throw away the key
So I could pretend I did belong in these halls
Plastering on a smile on my face for others to see
Maybe they would smile back at me with a wave

Some days I find myself back in that classroom
Wanting to hide and pretend that I’m invisible
Hearing that taunting voice in my mind again telling me I’m worthless
Feeling my tiny heart break like punching a mirror and seeing myself in distorted shards
While bleeding from my hands 

I wish I had the courage to tell someone back then
That the devil stalks my mind making sure that
I never forget his repeated words that I am worthless
That I believed every day

If I had known what I know now
I would have reached out for help
With shaky bleeding hands begging to be held
Instead I sunk further into my own hell
Becoming invisible even to my loved ones

Now I am kinder to my inner child
So tiny and frail
I engulf her with warm hugs and blankets
Telling her she was never worthless
She was perfect and waiting to be seen and loved
After all isn’t everyone?

[Weeded]

It's hard to respond to this without being an asshole, my advice would be don't quit your day job.

But also, I like this, in a weird way. I like how willing you are to portray and share your vulnerability. While everyone's out there putting a mask on, here's Bitnee, with an actual photo of herself, sharing a dark moment people would do anything to forget. There's something very beautiful and inspiring about that, even if the poem falls a little flat.

more advice: stop writing. Start reading. Then come back to this, and see what you manage to come up with.

Thanks for sharing,
mike

[Todd]

When you're doing revisions it's usually good to edit the first post and post the revision above the original so people don't give you feedback on parts you've already changed (marked sort of like below).

Rev.1
xxxx
xxxx
xxxx

Original
xxx
xxx
xxx

You've started to add concrete examples. The next step in editing is brutality. Start cutting this to the bones. Ask yourself what is the point of each strophe? what work is it meant to do? Ask yourself am I using cliches (which are a form of shorthand that have lost their power to move us unless subverted)? 

then accomplish that work in the most efficient way without sacrificing tone. Really be ruthless. Again, this is basic so let's do this in steps. One other thing take your first line and try that as your title. Then you can launch right into an image or interesting part without feeling the need to set-up. Let the title do the exposition for you.

Just some thoughts,

Todd

[Bitnee]

It's hard to respond to this without being an asshole, my advice would be don't quit your day job.

But also, I like this, in a weird way. I like how willing you are to portray and share your vulnerability. While everyone's out there putting a mask on, here's Bitnee, with an actual photo of herself, sharing a dark moment people would do anything to forget. There's something very beautiful and inspiring about that, even if the poem falls a little flat.

more advice: stop writing. Start reading. Then come back to this, and see what you manage to come up with.

Thanks for sharing,
mike

I’m writing for fun not to make a penny being a poet. I’m just getting started again so yeah I’m
Still going to write. I also still read. I haven’t written in years and I’m getting back into it I’m not a professional. I’m a musician over a lyricist. and not a professional one at that either. I don’t except to start writing and be amazing the first few times. This is basic critique not intense one so why tell an amateur to give up lol. Thanks for reading if it falls flat I like advice not hey you suck it falls flat stop writing. Give me something useful.

---

When you're doing revisions it's usually good to edit the first post and post the revision above the original so people don't give you feedback on parts you've already changed (marked sort of like below).

Rev.1
xxxx
xxxx
xxxx

Original
xxx
xxx
xxx

You've started to add concrete examples. The next step in editing is brutality. Start cutting this to the bones. Ask yourself what is the point of each strophe? what work is it meant to do? Ask yourself am I using cliches (which are a form of shorthand that have lost their power to move us unless subverted)? 

then accomplish that work in the most efficient way without sacrificing tone. Really be ruthless. Again, this is basic so let's do this in steps. One other thing take your first line and try that as your title. Then you can launch right into an image or interesting part without feeling the need to set-up. Let the title do the exposition for you.

Just some thoughts,

Todd

Thanks Todd. I don’t know how to use this form yet about how to edit putting them in that order thanks for advice. Still learning to navigate. And thank you for actually giving me advice on making this poem better instead of others who give no advice just rude words that don’t help me in reconstructing a poem.

[Weeded]

hey Bitnee,

I'm sorry, I didnt mean to offend you, and i'm not telling you to give up. I like the content of your poem, I think it cuts deep and has the potential to be powerful, but I also wouldn't consider it poetry in its current state. It's more like prose written in the form of a poem. As a fellow musician I could definitely see a song carved out of this, and yes this isn't intensive and I understand this is basic but it's still a critique forum, and basically this isn't a poem no matter how you cut it- and again- this isn't mean to offend or discourage you- quite the opposite. I am only recommending you read more poetry and because this is written like it's from a person who has never read a poem in their life.

Take the first line for example:

I lost my self-esteem today

This would hit so much harder if you 'showed' the reader, rather than 'told' them (show, don't tell)

the idea is powerful, the presentation is not.

I hope this helps,
mike

[Bitnee]

hey Bitnee,

I'm sorry, I didnt mean to offend you, and i'm not telling you to give up. I like the content of your poem, I think it cuts deep and has the potential to be powerful, but I also wouldn't consider it poetry in its current state. It's more like prose written in the form of a poem. As a fellow musician I could definitely see a song carved out of this, and yes this isn't intensive and I understand this is basic but it's still a critique forum, and basically this isn't a poem no matter how you cut it- and again- this isn't mean to offend or discourage you- quite the opposite. I am only recommending you read more poetry and because this is written like it's from a person who has never read a poem in their life.
P
Take the first line for example:

I lost my self-esteem today

This would hit so much harder if you 'showed' the reader, rather than 'told' them (show, don't tell)

the idea is powerful, the presentation is not.

I hope this helps,
mike

Thanks it was more the don’t quit your day job line I hate people say to others. Tends to discourage. I do have a habit of prose fictional/ other writing. I Now see it leaked into poetry. But see you gave actually critique feedback and that doesn’t hurt feelings. I guess it’s the way you bluntly started off and didn’t exactly point out what it was that I did to make
It not sound like a poem.
Thanks again

[Weeded]

hey Bitnee,

I'm sorry, I didnt mean to offend you, and i'm not telling you to give up. I like the content of your poem, I think it cuts deep and has the potential to be powerful, but I also wouldn't consider it poetry in its current state. It's more like prose written in the form of a poem. As a fellow musician I could definitely see a song carved out of this, and yes this isn't intensive and I understand this is basic but it's still a critique forum, and basically this isn't a poem no matter how you cut it- and again- this isn't mean to offend or discourage you- quite the opposite. I am only recommending you read more poetry and because this is written like it's from a person who has never read a poem in their life.
P
Take the first line for example:

I lost my self-esteem today

This would hit so much harder if you 'showed' the reader, rather than 'told' them (show, don't tell)

the idea is powerful, the presentation is not.

I hope this helps,
mike

Thanks it was more the don’t quit your day job line I hate people say to others. Tends to discourage. I do have a habit of prose fictional/ other  writing. I Now see it leaked into poetry. But see you gave actually critique feedback and that doesn’t hurt feelings. I guess it’s the way you bluntly started off and didn’t exactly point out what it was that I did to make
It not sound like a poem.
Thanks again

Yeah that was a bit crass, im sorry.

When I was a newb I spent quite a bit of time in the poetry practice exercises subforum, maybe try some of the exercises there? I was actually going to start going through the exercises myself, I havent studied poetry for years and the exercises are a great way to work on the technical things. If you can write a decent sonnet or a villanelle, then free verse starts to feel incredibly liberating!

[Bitnee]

hey Bitnee,

I'm sorry, I didnt mean to offend you, and i'm not telling you to give up. I like the content of your poem, I think it cuts deep and has the potential to be powerful, but I also wouldn't consider it poetry in its current state. It's more like prose written in the form of a poem. As a fellow musician I could definitely see a song carved out of this, and yes this isn't intensive and I understand this is basic but it's still a critique forum, and basically this isn't a poem no matter how you cut it- and again- this isn't mean to offend or discourage you- quite the opposite. I am only recommending you read more poetry and because this is written like it's from a person who has never read a poem in their life.
P
Take the first line for example:


This would hit so much harder if you 'showed' the reader, rather than 'told' them (show, don't tell)

the idea is powerful, the presentation is not.

I hope this helps,
mike

Thanks it was more the don’t quit your day job line I hate people say to others. Tends to discourage. I do have a habit of prose fictional/ other  writing. I Now see it leaked into poetry. But see you gave actually critique feedback and that doesn’t hurt feelings. I guess it’s the way you bluntly started off and didn’t exactly point out what it was that I did to make
It not sound like a poem.
Thanks again

Yeah that was a bit crass, im sorry.

When I was a newb I spent quite a bit of time in the poetry practice exercises subforum, maybe try some of the exercises there? I was actually going to start going through the exercises myself, I havent studied poetry for years and the exercises are a great way to work on the technical things. If you can write a decent sonnet or a villanelle, then free verse starts to feel incredibly liberating!

I been looking on other websites and such for like poetry prompts for beginners I haven’t looks at the sub subform here but I’ll check it out thank you for that suggestion

[Todd]

I been looking on other websites and such for like poetry prompts for beginners I haven’t looks at the sub subform here but I’ll check it out thank you for that suggestion

Look in Milo's Forum on here. Every April we do a prompt a day for Nation Poetry Whatever. The threads will be the date of the prompt. Just scan through a few of those and try some. You can post what you try in basic here if you like. There are other things in that forum.

There is Poetry Practice Forum here that you can try as well.