Leave Like You Be

[Deor Ana Log]

*conscription to succeed*
don’t rest while 

others sleep *

count dollars instead of dreams

become while 

bringing your being *

hoard words instead of fantasy

be trapped in the realm 

of possibility

dry sweat like tear’s out bleed

caravan on valleys

of dusty seed *

pretend every hour is seconds of need 

launch, pull back, only office beat

In heart of hearts never say “please”

*be string tied with invisible screams

100 percent hidden under my sleeve

9 2 5, parasite of "cheap"

7 same ∞’s 

Let Me Leave *Please?

[Deor Ana Log]

Are we all tied to what we perceive?

[patrickoday]

*conscription to succeed*
don’t rest while 

others sleep *

count dollars instead of dreams

become while 

bringing your being *

hoard words instead of fantasy

be trapped in the realm 

of possibility

dry sweat like tear’s out bleed

caravan on valleys

of dusty seed *

pretend every hour is seconds of need 

launch, pull back, only office beat

In heart of hearts never say “please”

*be string tied with invisible screams

100 percent in my sleeve

9 2 5, parasite of me

7 same ∞’s 

Let Me Leave *Please?

There are a lot of comparisons going on in this poem. Rest to sleep, dollars to dreams, words to fantasy, trapped to possibility. I am having trouble deciphering whether some of them are written with a tone of sarcasm. Like in the line:

count dollars instead of dreams

Otherwise, I like the message. What I took away was that we live in a world that is so overtaken with complacency and can turn people into drones from the lens of an outsider. My favorite line is:

be trapped in the realm of possibility

I love a good paradox, and it is very true that in the world today, many of us do feel trapped even though we have the ability to go out into the world and do everything different. It just takes a little agency and intention to choose the right thing in every moment.

[tun]

*conscription to succeed*
don’t rest while 

others sleep *

count dollars instead of dreams

become while 

bringing your being *

hoard words instead of fantasy

be trapped in the realm 

of possibility

dry sweat like tear’s out bleed

caravan on valleys

of dusty seed *

pretend every hour is seconds of need 

launch, pull back, only office beat

In heart of hearts never say “please”

*be string tied with invisible screams

100 percent in my sleeve

9 2 5, parasite of me

7 same ∞’s 

Let Me Leave *Please?

The first line makes no sense to me. I don't know what it is saying? Then I see that there is a lot of rhyme, but this quantity of rhyme inevitably and necessarily sets up the expectation/obligation of a sufficient rhythmic unity - that is not subsequently delivered as it is. One expects a rhythmic unity - but is then disappointed by the fact that it is not present.



Conscription to succeed
do not rest while
others sleep
count dollars instead of dreams
become while
bringing being
hoard words
the bread of fantasy
trap the realm
of possibility
dry sweat the tear’s out-bleed
caravan on valley
and dusty seed
pretend the hour a second to need
launch
pull back an office beat
the heart of heart
never say please
string tied
invisible screams
100 percent in my sleeve
9 2 5, parasite be
7 same ∞’s
let me leave please.

I mean - were you speaking this aloud when you wrote it? It does not feel as if you were?

[Deor Ana Log]

*conscription to succeed*
don’t rest while 

others sleep *

count dollars instead of dreams

become while 

bringing your being *

hoard words instead of fantasy

be trapped in the realm 

of possibility

dry sweat like tear’s out bleed

caravan on valleys

of dusty seed *

pretend every hour is seconds of need 

launch, pull back, only office beat

In heart of hearts never say “please”

*be string tied with invisible screams

100 percent in my sleeve

9 2 5, parasite of me

7 same ∞’s 

Let Me Leave *Please?

The first line makes no sense to me. I don't know what it is saying? Then I see that there is a lot of rhyme, but this quantity of rhyme inevitably and necessarily sets up the expectation/obligation of a sufficient rhythmic unity - that is not subsequently delivered as it is. One expects a rhythmic unity - but is then disappointed by the fact that it is not present.



Conscription to succeed
do not rest while
others sleep
count dollars instead of dreams
become while
bringing being
hoard words
the bread of fantasy
trap the realm
of possibility
dry sweat the tear’s out-bleed
caravan on valley
and dusty seed
pretend the hour a second to need
launch
pull back an office beat
the heart of heart
never say please
string tied
invisible screams
100 percent in my sleeve
9 2 5, parasite be
7 same ∞’s
let me leave please.

I mean - were you speaking this aloud when you wrote it? It does not feel as if you were?

Here is the actual version of the poem, compared to the one that you read

Conscription to succeed 
do not rest while 
others sleep
count dollars instead of dreams
become while
bringing being bringing your being
hoard words
the bread of fantasy instead of fantasy
trap the realm trapped in the realm
of possibility
dry sweat the tear’s out-bleed dry sweat like tear's out bleed
caravan on valley caravan on valleys
and dusty seed
pretend the hour a second to need pretend every hour is seconds of need
launch
pull back an office launch, pull back, only office beat
the heart of heart
never say please In heart of hearts never say “please”
string tied
invisible screams *be string tied with invisible screams
100 percent in my sleeve
9 2 5, parasite be 9 2 5, parasite of me
7 same ∞’s
let me leave please. Let Me Leave *Please?

You miswrote this poem so that is lacks almost all the depth that the original does, is this what saw when you read my poem? Because if it is, you need to look a little bit closer than that to find any meaning whatsoever.

[tun]

Are you reading aloud when you write? As I already said - the original does not present a rhythmic unity. The quantity of rhyme you deploy creates an obligation to present a rhythmic unity. The rhyming sets up an expectation - and then the poem fails to deliver it. A poem by definition creates a unity of form and meaning. If one is going to use rhyme - then one needs to respect the formal requirements and obligations which it presents. In this case, it occurs throughout the piece, not as an accent or an interlude or a point of attention - but as a structural element. As such it carries the obligation to be harmonious and beautiful. But I don't think you are reading aloud when you write, Are you? I don't know what your poem is 'about' - any more than I know what my poems are 'about' - that is none of my concern. I make words that feel nice to speak at the time.

[Deor Ana Log]

Are you reading aloud when you write? As I already said - the original does not present a rhythmic unity. The quantity of rhyme you deploy creates an obligation to present a rhythmic unity. The rhyming sets up an expectation - and then the poem fails to deliver it. A poem by definition creates a unity of form and meaning. If one is going to use rhyme - then one needs to respect the formal requirements and obligations which it presents. In this case, it occurs throughout the piece, not as an accent or an interlude or a point of attention - but as a structural element. As such it carries the obligation to be harmonious and beautiful. But I don't think you are reading aloud when you write, Are you? I don't know what your poem is 'about' - any more than I know what my poems are 'about' - that is none of my concern. I make words that feel nice to speak at the time.

Not sure how to respond to this? Yes I do make my poems with the intention for them not sound gross. I simply disagree with you that it sounds ugly even though not all of the words do not rhyme exactly. I don't think that it would be worse off if it is did sound ugly, because as you have continually reiterated poetry comes from the subconscious and can't be edited or it will lose it's meaning. Thank you for spending time on my poems, but I don't think you are reading them with the intention of liking any part of what I write.

[tun]

 

Not sure how to respond to this? Yes I do make my poems with the intention for them not sound gross. I simply disagree with you that it sounds ugly even though not all of the words do not rhyme exactly. I don't think that it would be worse off if it is did sound ugly, because as you have continually reiterated poetry comes from the subconscious and can't be edited or it will lose it's meaning. Thank you for spending time on my poems, but I don't think you reading them with the intention of like an part of what I write.

You have set up a strawman and iced it with a sentence that is not even readable. You are pretending not to know what I am saying. Why would you do that?

[Quixilated]

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Not sure how to respond to this? Yes I do make my poems with the intention for them not sound gross. I simply disagree with you that it sounds ugly even though not all of the words do not rhyme exactly. I don't think that it would be worse off if it is did sound ugly, because as you have continually reiterated poetry comes from the subconscious and can't be edited or it will lose it's meaning. Thank you for spending time on my poems, but I don't think you reading them with the intention of like an part of what I write.

You have set up a strawman and iced it with a sentence that is not even readable. You are pretending not to know what I am saying. Why would you do that?

Tun and Deor, 
Please take a moment to read the site rules.
#2. Do not attack the poet or critic. 
#3.b. Don't argue if you don't like the feedback given.

Basically, please only critique the actual poem not the author. Please do not preach at or lecture the author. Just discuss the actual content of the poem. 
Also, if you don't like or disagree with the feedback on your poem, just say thank you and move on. You aren't obligated to use or like the feedback, but also, no one is obligated to provide only feedback you will like. 
Under no circumstances should anyone critique the critique or comment on other comments. If you think a comment is inappropriate or breaks forum rules, use the flag button or pm a moderator.  
If you develop beef with another member, discussions, arguments, and brawls are permitted in the arse and sewer.  Feel free to start a new there and hash it out. Just not in the poetry threads.

Thank you,
Quix/admin

[Deor Ana Log]

900 views and still climbing, I can't believe it ya'll, thank you SO MUCH!!!!