Fish,Bowl,Back,To,See

[Deor Ana Log]

Fish,Bowl,Back,To,See

,I unlock my empty oxygen for an off beat, a single time,

,Is this encasing glass the only lens blinding me?,

,No decision, reason to eat, or strength to survive,

,The crook of necks glaring back, I can’t flee,

,Our future is futile soil I can’t seem to seed,

,Breath creeps quick, slow; the same speed,

,So murky wet waves have a faint glow,

,Air bubbles with no open bank of arms,

,Tear silent sacrifices slowly apart,

,My blood beats, trapped in tactile tempo,

,Why can warm people feel so alone?,

,Death tugs me like same old mold,

,I won’t grow up, won’t grow old,

,And they don’t even see my struggle,

,The pupils I perceive peering from my closed bowl,

,The heroes and villains I wanted to be,

,My fatal fortune from far above,

,Their distance has blinded me, it’s all I see,

,Thus my last breath is laced with lacking love, not relief.

And. I. Die. With. A. Dormant. Piece.

[brynmawr1]

Hi Deor Ana Log,
Welcome to the Pen.  You need to post meaningful critique within the forum that you post before expecting meaningful feedback on your work.  Please review what constitutes meaningful critique within each forum.
Thank you,
Bryn

[tun]

In this one there is somebody suffering but we don't know who and we don't know why, so apart from the fact that everybody in the world suffers - there is nothing here - no story, with which to create a connection between the destiny described/depicted and the destiny of the reader. There is no identifiable source of meaning in it therefore.

[Deor Ana Log]

Hi Dior Ana Log,
Welcome to the Pen.  You need to post meaningful critique within the forum that you post before expecting meaningful feedback on your work.  Please review what constitutes meaningful critique within each forum.
Thank you,
Bryn

I am so sorry for overstepping Bryn, I have now commented on Tun's latest poem, I hope that that counts. Also purely for claification my name is DEOR Ana Log.

---

In this one there is somebody suffering but we don't know who and we don't know why, so apart from the fact that everybody in the world suffers - there is nothing here - no story, with which to create a connection between the destiny described/depicted and the destiny of the reader. There is no identifiable source of meaning in it therefore.

Tun, I appreciate you taking your time to give a critique towards my poem. However, you claim that the lack of a clear narrator is neither coherent nor constructive to my writing process. I start this poem with the word "I" meaning that it is a self reflection. Furthermore, the fictional metaphor of the drowing in a fishbowl is based in reality, yet is not intended to perfectly refect real life. To answer your question flat out - this poem is about my life as human being, not as a writer.

[tun]

Hi Dior Ana Log,
Welcome to the Pen.  You need to post meaningful critique within the forum that you post before expecting meaningful feedback on your work.  Please review what constitutes meaningful critique within each forum.
Thank you,
Bryn

I am so sorry for overstepping Bryn, I have now commented on Tun's latest poem, I hope that that counts. Also purely for claification my name is DEOR Ana Log.

---

In this one there is somebody suffering but we don't know who and we don't know why, so apart from the fact that everybody in the world suffers - there is nothing here - no story, with which to create a connection between the destiny described/depicted and the destiny of the reader. There is no identifiable source of meaning in it therefore.

Tun, I appreciate you taking your time to give a critique towards my poem. However, you claim that the lack of a clear narrator is neither coherent nor constructive to my writing process. I start this poem with the word "I" meaning that it is a self reflection. Furthermore, the fictional metaphor of the drowing in a fishbowl is based in reality, yet is not intended to perfectly refect real life. To answer your question flat out - this poem is about my life as human being, not as a writer.

I did not say that there is not a narrator. I said that we know nothing about him/her, apart from the fact that they suffer.

[Deor Ana Log]

Hi Dior Ana Log,
Welcome to the Pen.  You need to post meaningful critique within the forum that you post before expecting meaningful feedback on your work.  Please review what constitutes meaningful critique within each forum.
Thank you,
Bryn

I am so sorry for overstepping Bryn, I have now commented on Tun's latest poem, I hope that that counts. Also purely for claification my name is DEOR Ana Log.

---

In this one there is somebody suffering but we don't know who and we don't know why, so apart from the fact that everybody in the world suffers - there is nothing here - no story, with which to create a connection between the destiny described/depicted and the destiny of the reader. There is no identifiable source of meaning in it therefore.

Tun, I appreciate you taking your time to give a critique towards my poem. However, you claim that the lack of a clear narrator is neither coherent nor constructive to my writing process. I start this poem with the word "I" meaning that it is a self reflection. Furthermore, the fictional metaphor of the drowing in a fishbowl is based in reality, yet is not intended to perfectly refect real life. To answer your question flat out - this poem is about my life as human being, not as a writer.

I did not say that there is not a narrator. I said that we know nothing about him/her, apart from the fact that they suffer.

So are you saying that you want to know more about the person I am, or you won't care about the pieces I write at all?

[tun]

I am so sorry for overstepping Bryn, I have now commented on Tun's latest poem, I hope that that counts. Also purely for claification my name is DEOR Ana Log.

---

Tun, I appreciate you taking your time to give a critique towards my poem. However, you claim that the lack of a clear narrator is neither coherent nor constructive to my writing process. I start this poem with the word "I" meaning that it is a self reflection. Furthermore, the fictional metaphor of the drowing in a fishbowl is based in reality, yet is not intended to perfectly refect real life. To answer your question flat out - this poem is about my life as human being, not as a writer.

I did not say that there is not a narrator. I said that we know nothing about him/her, apart from the fact that they suffer.

So are you saying that you want to know more about the person I am, or you won't care about the pieces I write at all?

I am saying that to me there is no story in what you have presented. It could be anybody or nobody. There is no way to connect with it because there is no sense of an individual who exists. A story is the representation of a destiny which one can participate in through the awareness of its potential to be universal. But that awareness can only arise where there is some specificity to empathize with. There is nothing to attach the attention to.

[Deor Ana Log]

Wow. Now you totally make sense Tun. But how do I add real human experiences when I am someone who experieced some of the things expressed in this poem. Thanks for elaborating on your point, I will definitely take it into account when revising this poem.

[JackTredden]

Deor Ana Log,
I think you’re trying to say something genuinely engaging here but there are few immediate problems which will cause you problems.

The first is the layout (including the space-free formatting of the title). I’ve been reading poems for decades and I’ve never seen one start with a comma on each line. Also using centre justifying makes the poem look amateur. Format it more traditionally and your reader won’t begin with low expectations.

The first line is very strong. It’s unusual and clever.

The second line is also pretty good. You are talking about diving? The glass of your mask?

The third line, you begin to talk too abstractly. Why no food?

And then comes the fourth line:

“The crook of necks glaring back, I can’t flee”

Necks can’t glare back. Eyes can. Necks can be crooked but they don’t have eyes.

These things are important if you want to be understood. By this point, many readers may already disengage and it’s a shame because you have some genuinely poetic moments: “Breath creeps quick”, “Tear silent sacrifices slowly apart” and “trapped in tactile tempo” standout. But you should write with a little more precision.

A line like

“Death tugs me like same old mold”

Ruins what you’re attempting. It’s either missing a word or you mistyped “some”.

“Death tugs me like some old mold”

But even there, do molds tug? 

There’s a strong poetic impulse here. But right now, it’s buried under distracting choices and imprecise language. I’d encourage you to rework this with a focus on clarity, logic, and conventional formatting. The core voice is worth hearing but only if the poem earns that attention.