17

[JamesG]

It has been a while since I have been here, for some reason the muse just left me, no doubt in search of a more useful host, but do want to start writing again regardless.


17

That night
we lay naked
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.
One of those ones
where you always
ended up pissing
in the sink.

She told me of how
she had dreamt of
seeing her dead Dad,
benignly ectoplasmic,
hovering over her,
looking down on her,
as she slept
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.

I was inept but
she told me what to do
so it was fine but
all the time I thought
of her dead dad
looking down on us,
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.
17
That night
we lay naked
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.
One of those ones
where you always
ended up pissing
in the sink.
She told me of how
she had dreamt of
seeing her dead Dad,
benignly ectoplasmic,
hovering over her,
looking down on her,
as she slept
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.
I was inept but
she told me what to do
so it was fine but
all the time I thought
of her dead Dad
looking down on us
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.

[carahmellow]

It has been a while since I have been here, for some reason the muse just left me, no doubt in search of a more useful host, but do want to start writing again regardless.


17

That night
we lay naked
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.
One of those ones - not sure on this word choice. feels a bit clunky. are you talking about the flat? the bed? the side street? 
where you always
ended up pissing
in the sink.

She told me of how
she had dreamt of
seeing her dead Dad,
benignly ectoplasmic,
hovering over her,
looking down on her, - The double "her" throws these lines off a bit. switching up the wording here might be nice. or just removing one of the lines all together.
as she slept
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay. - I really like this repeat!

I was inept but
she told me what to do
so it was fine but
all the time I thought
of her dead dad
looking down on us,
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.

I really like this piece... it has an honesty and bluntess that really works. Its punchy, funny, and not over written. good work!
17
ThI at night in the sink.

in Torquay.

[JamesG]

Thanks for the feedback CararMellow, and I am glad you liked the poem ;0)

What about something like this?

17

That night
we lay naked
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.
One of those places
where you always
ended up pissing
in the sink.

She told me of how
she had dreamt of
seeing her dead Dad,
benignly ectoplasmic,
hovering over her
as she slept
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.

I was inept but
she told me what to do
so it was fine but
all the time I thought
of her dead dad
looking down on us,
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay

I had originally written in the last verse

Looking down on
us fucking
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay

but took that line out as it gave the poem a harder edge that I wanted.

[carahmellow]

I like that much better... but my very last criticism would be "end" instead of "ended" in that first stanza - I feel like the past tense MIGHT be throwing it off. If you said "I"... that past tense might work better... but with the "you" (the reader) there, it implies "anytime" not a past act that was often done during that specific time period.

but that could just be me, and not something you want to change.

[JamesG]

Yes I think it is better, so thank you for you suggestions, although I don't think I will change the first stanza as that speaks of a very particular time and place, at least for me.

[tun]

It has been a while since I have been here, for some reason the muse just left me, no doubt in search of a more useful host, but do want to start writing again regardless.


17

That night
we lay naked
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.
One of those ones (one of those what?)
where you always
ended up pissing
in the sink. (It is not clear why some nights require pissing in the sink?)

She told me of how
she had dreamt of
seeing her dead Dad,
benignly ectoplasmic,
hovering over her,
looking down on her,
as she slept (She is asleep in the dream? Or she deamed while she was asleep?)
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.

I was inept but
she told me what to do
so it was fine but
all the time I thought
of her dead dad
looking down on us,
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.

But the 'dad' was looking down on her in a dream and there is no logical reason to project the image related in a dream into your 'reality'. Therefore this poem refers to or depicts some sort of irrational fixation as the intended 'subject' of the poem? So you have got a romantic encounter 'infected' with a neurotic response? Is this what you were intending to depict?
17
That night
we lay naked
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.
One of those ones
where you always
ended up pissing
in the sink.
She told me of how
she had dreamt of
seeing her dead Dad,
benignly ectoplasmic,
hovering over her,
looking down on her,
as she slept
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.
I was inept but
she told me what to do
so it was fine but
all the time I thought
of her dead Dad
looking down on us
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.

[tun]

It has been a while since I have been here, for some reason the muse just left me, no doubt in search of a more useful host, but do want to start writing again regardless.


17

That night
we lay naked
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.
One of those ones  (one of those what?)
where you always
ended up pissing
in the sink.

She told me of how
she had dreamt of
seeing her dead Dad,
benignly ectoplasmic,
hovering over her,
looking down on her,
as she slept (She is asleep in the dream? Or she deamed while she was asleep?)
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.

I was inept but
she told me what to do
so it was fine but
all the time I thought
of her dead dad
looking down on us,
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.
But the 'dad' was looking down on her in a dream and there is no logical reason to project the image related in a dream into your 'reality'. Therefore this poem refers to or depicts some sort of irrational fixation as the intended 'subject' of the poem? So you have got a romantic encounter 'infected' with a neurotic response? Is this what you were intending to depict?
17
That night
we lay naked
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.
One of those ones
where you always
ended up pissing
in the sink.
She told me of how
she had dreamt of
seeing her dead Dad,
benignly ectoplasmic,
hovering over her,
looking down on her,
as she slept
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.
I was inept but
she told me what to do
so it was fine but
all the time I thought
of her dead Dad
looking down on us
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.

[shady]

I appreciate the repetitive nature of your poem; it portrays how significant the setting was to you. Your attention to the minute details, such as "on her thin bed" and "side street in Torquay" really paint an image for the reader. I can vividly imagine the setting of this poem, and it feels as if I am there. It feels as if this is a memory of my own that I am reliving.