Ocean

[Bianca Alabaster]

Eyes closed I stand
out in the November cold
far from the ocean shore
Ears poised I hear
the sound I know
crashing waves above me
of the ocean surf.

It rolls and roars
through the trees
wave after wave
I stand in wonder.

Eyes closed the wind
dances lower
and lower
and I am swimming.

Eyes open
I am in a field
of fragrant autumn leaves.

As I move slowly
planting my feet firmly
it feels familiar
I pay attention
I stop
Eyes closed
the sand surrounds
my shoes
I feel its push
of resistance
when I move
my toes,
yet my mind knows.

Eyes open
I look upon the ground
I am standing upon
frozen grass and leaves
embracing my feet.

This moment is mine.
I hear, feel, smell
and see,
Ocean!

©

[addy]

Nice poem, I really do love nature imagery

Again, take these comments with a pinch of salt, and take what works for you

Eyes closed I stand
out in the November cold
far from the ocean shore
Ears poised maybe a different word from poised I hear
the sound I know
crashing waves above me
of the ocean surf. maybe rephrase these last two lines, as they confused me a little. (should it be 'off the ocean surf?', am not too clear)

It rolls and roars
through the trees
wave after wave
I stand in wonder. Personally, I like the image you're picturing, but it doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the poem, where you make it a point to either have pure ocean imagery, or pure flatland imagery, but not a hybrid of both

Eyes closed the wind
dances lower
and lower
and I am swimming.

Eyes open
I am in a field
of fragrant autumn leaves.

As I move slowly
planting my feet firmly
it feels familiar
I pay attention
I stop
Eyes closed
the sand surrounds
my shoes
I feel its push
of resistance
when I move
my toes, Lots of nice vivid imagery but this one stuck with me for some reason
yet my mind knows.

Eyes open
I look upon the ground
I am standing upon
frozen grass and leaves
embracing my feet.

This moment is mine.
I hear, feel, smell It's up to you discretion, since I believe that the poem is a good length already, but I would've been interested to see imagery of what the smell of the ocean was like.
and see,
Ocean!

©

[billy]

Eyes closed I stand
out in the November cold
far from the ocean shore
Ears poised I hear
the sound I know
crashing waves above me
of the ocean surf.

for me a little edit on the enjambment could possibly help this stanza.

It rolls and roars
through the trees
wave after wave
I stand in wonder.

Eyes closed the wind
dances lower
and lower
and I am swimming.

again, i think the above stanza needs a small edit on the enjambment

Eyes open
I am in a field
of fragrant autumn leaves.

i like this verse as it delineates reality and imagination.

As I move slowly
planting my feet firmly
it feels familiar
I pay attention
I stop
Eyes closed
the sand surrounds
my shoes
I feel its push
of resistance
when I move
my toes,
yet my mind knows.

i also really enjoyed the feel of the above stanza. nice juxtaposition of imagination to the reality in the stanza above it

Eyes open
I look upon the ground
I am standing upon
frozen grass and leaves
embracing my feet.

again the enjambment in the above stanza, also the repeat of upon feels a little awkward.

This moment is mine.
I hear, feel, smell
and see,
Ocean!

©

i agree with addy's pointers o the 1st stanza so no need to repeat them.

thanks for braving the serious crit Bianca.
all in all not much to do as far as editing goes.
an enjoyable read thanks again.

[Bianca Alabaster]

Thanks everyone very much, I'll have to really think about what you suggested. I like the pointed stops of the poem. "Eyes closed/ eyes open" the poem was a memory recollection in exactness and I had sudden stops. like "wow the wind through the trees sound like an ocean" time was pausing so to speak so I kept the poem as the moment.

There is room for improvement that's for sure. I need to put commas in I think and I did want the hybrid of ocean and land mixed because one was the reality and one was the imagined place, but I get your point. thanks

[billy]

the problem lays for the poet in the fact he/she may get confusing signals from the readers.

addy says this and i think the opposite, someone else thinks something completely different and at the end of it all if we follow all their advice we end up with a miss-mash of a shitty poem lol. after all, we can't all be right can we.

i know i've done edits based on crit and the end result was far worse than the original. none of us critics are right and all of us are. it's a bit perplexing to say the least.

i found the best way to deal with cnot only conflicting crit, but crit in general is this;
i mull over it a while. see what an edit using the crit looks like to me on paper and then decide if i think it's right or not. please don't get caught up as i did, in the "it's got to be right or else they wouldn't have said it syndrome"

just use it as a guideline bianca.
or don't use it as a guideline

it's what i tend to do. sometimes i stick the poem i a draw and bring it out 6 months later and do a virtual re-write using no feedback but my own.

thanks for taking the feedback in the manner it was given

[CarverAderly]

That was really very cute and nice imagination, I think that it was a beautiful dream of someone written down on a paper. I really like your way of writing it. You should now really write more poems like this and try to be more involve in it. I am sure that you will be the best writer near future.

[Bianca Alabaster]

thank you.

[digna_sofia]

They already made the comments I intended to make XD Nevertheless enjoyable.