Comfort space

[Funkeldunks]

My first post and first time sharing my writing.

Comfort space

My memories of comfort differ from most.
As a small child I couldn’t help but love my home.
My light blue blanket, a little itchy, very warm.
I would trace the little trucks with my finger.
The name in big letters,”U-Haul”, I remember.
Home was metallic green and roared like a lion.
Naugahyde and wool…….
Was a home ever as fine as mine?
Frost nearly ever came inside.
One day pulled from my comfy den.
Mom sold the Dodge and moved right then, 
And began to forget,
 the first place I loved as home.

[brynmawr1]

My first post and first time sharing my writing.

Comfort space  

My memories of comfort differ from most.    Like your opening but could consider cutting 'from most' as implied by 'differ'
As a small child I couldn’t help but love my home.  Again, could cut indicated lines as implied. if kept needs a comma after child
My light blue blanket, a little itchy, very warm.   This is not a complete sentence, though I like the rhythm.  So you need to figure that out.
I would trace the little trucks with my finger.  Again, nice line but would leave the period and transition directly into next, such as

"U-haul" in big letters.  I remember home;
metallic green, roaring like a lion.  really like roaring like a lion.

Naugahyde and wool…….    see where you are going but not working as written.  I think need to be at least a stand alone and then read, 
'genuine faux leather and wool'  to really convey your meaning.  Consider putting after next line to continue the sarcasm.
Was a home ever as fine as mine?
Frost nearly ever came inside.   I want this line to read 'Frost nearly never....' for alliteration and just cause.  Again, seems like a stand alone or blend into next lines.
One day pulled from my comfy den.  Again, not a complete sentence, but important, though likely solved by punctuation.
Mom sold the Dodge and moved right then, 
And began to forget,
 the first place I loved as home.

Hi FunkelD, (that's your hip-hop name from now on)
Welcome to the Pen.  Congrats on having the courage to post.  Others might have more insight, but I think this is a strong piece and should be in one of the critique forums.
I'm no TqB, but I hope you find my comments helpful.
Take care,
bryn

[Funkeldunks]

Thank you for your input. Thank you for not trashing my attempt. I’m going to rework this one and try again. It means a lot to me. I just need to educate myself a bit on grammar. I genuinely appreciate the input.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello FunkelD- welcome
Thanks for posting your first shared effort, as it is an intriguing poem. I think it should be in the BASIC or MILD forum.
Instead of a long critique I'm just going to move some lines, and leave some out; add a couple of words.

Comfort space

As a small child I couldn’t help
but love my home- my light blue blanket,
a little itchy, very warm. I would trace
the little trucks with my finger.
The name in big letters,”U-Haul”, I remember. fantastic detail here

Home was metallic green and roared like a lion- another good detail- vague description of a car
all naugahyde and wool.
Was a home ever as fine as mine?
Frost hardly ever came inside.

Then Mom sold the Dodge and we moved. a bit more of a lead-in to avoid an abrupt ending?
My memories of comfort differ from most. This oblique reference to homelessness at a very young age is good, and perhaps better at the end. Your light touch works well and could be expanded. Keen observation that very young children accept their circumstances, as long as at least one parent is around.

The general idea of this piece is fabulous- how to convey homelessness without ever mentioning the word. Bravo on that. A bit of work and you'll have a very fine poem. That said, the FUN forum ain't the right home for this one. More in-depth critique will really help. Please don't be shy.

Once again, welcome,
Mark

[Funkeldunks]

Hello FunkelD- welcome
Thanks for posting your first shared effort, as it is an intriguing poem. I think it should be in the BASIC or MILD forum.
Instead of a long critique I'm just going to move some lines, and leave some out; add a couple of words. 

Comfort space

As a small child I couldn’t help
but love my home- my light blue blanket,
a little itchy, very warm. I would trace
the little trucks with my finger.
The name in big letters,”U-Haul”, I remember.  fantastic detail here

Home was metallic green and roared like a lion-  another good detail- vague description of a car
all naugahyde and wool.
Was a home ever as fine as mine?
Frost hardly ever came inside.

Then Mom sold the Dodge and we moved.  a bit more of a lead-in to avoid an abrupt ending?
My memories of comfort differ from most.  This oblique reference to homelessness at a very young age is good, and perhaps better at the end.  Your light touch works well and could be expanded.  Keen observation that very young children accept their circumstances, as long as at least one parent is around.

The general idea of this piece is fabulous- how to convey homelessness without ever mentioning the word. Bravo on that. A bit of work and you'll have a very fine poem. That said, the FUN forum ain't the right home for this one.  More in-depth critique will really help. Please don't be shy. 

Once again, welcome,
Mark

Thank you. I will work on this one and post in a more appropriate place. I genuinely appreciate your critique. Sharing is a new experience for me.

[fawnmossling]

I really liked the rhythm of the first three lines, really painted a picture. keep going.