Posts: 1,185
Threads: 250
Joined: Nov 2015
Fog Upstairs
Like a baby I do not
know if I’m right- or left-handed
some mornings,
which way the handle
on my coffee cup should point.
As for day-of-the-week
I know for sure of seven
and their names but which
I’ve just awakened to
can be out of reach.
At least my name
requires no written evidence–
not yet, but someday
I’ll wake up without it
and need christening.
Non-practicing atheist
Posts: 2
Threads: 1
Joined: Jun 2024
I like this! I think a really cool choice was the stilted line breaks, the first and eight lines for example. They build on the forgetfulness angle and help set a morbidly playful tone.
Line nine is definitely where I am having the most trouble, however. After reading it a second or third time I was able to get the world play going on, but I think it might be too oblique, especially since the rest of the poem has pretty straightforward language. The ending does have a bit of that going on as well, but I think it works there since it leaves the reading with some foreboding moods to ponder. In fact, I think blunting line nine would even enhance that effect.
In any case, great work! I'd also like to say this is my first post/reply on this forum and I'm glad to be here!
Posts: 1,185
Threads: 250
Joined: Nov 2015
edit;
Like a baby I do not
know if I’m right- or left-handed
some mornings,
which way the handle
on my coffee cup should point.
As for day-of-the-week
I know for sure of seven
and their names but which
I’ve just awakened to
can be out of reach.
At least my name
requires no written evidence–
not yet, but someday
I’ll wake up without it
and need christening.
Good critique - a little too flashy on those lines (which, as usual, were the last edited before posting). Now if I can just remember the "previous version" tag...
Non-practicing atheist
Posts: 257
Threads: 108
Joined: Dec 2016
06-11-2024, 10:26 PM
(This post was last modified: 06-11-2024, 10:26 PM by Quixilated.)
dukealien dateline='[url=tel:1718110852' Wrote: 1718110852[/url]']
Now if I can just remember the "previous version" tag...
[ pre verse] [/pre verse]
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara
