cream of wheat (edit 1)

[armadillosarecool]

cream of wheat

and when she tottered
upright for the first time—

what was her name?
it hides under soot
that i can’t brush away.

“i” is a funny word.
didn’t “i” have something more?

who’s at the door?
just the person come to fix
my cream of wheat.
He goes through the motions
and places down my mush.

I fill my face
while he sighs,
looking down
at his wrist.

cream of wheat

and when she tottered
upright for the first time—

what was her name?
it hides in the haze
that i can’t brush away—
along with her face.

“i” is a funny word.
didn’t “i” have something more?

who’s at the door?
just
the person from outside
come to fix my
cream of wheat.

now I fill my face while
he sighs and
looks at his wrist. 

[Semicircle]

cream of wheat

and when she tottered
upright for the first time—         .........I like these thin cut-aways from the main thoughts or bulkier stanzas. More emphasis should be put between them to make the                                                                           fragmented line of thought more apparent.
what was her name?
it hides in the haze                           .........Tall Grass? Describing brain fog as a haze sounds generic. 
that i can’t brush away—                      
along with her face.                          ..........This line breaks flow for me. I do not think it is necessary.

“i” is a funny word.
didn’t “i” have something more?             

who’s at the door?                                           
the person from outside                    
who comes to fix my                            ...........This is a regular occurance, right?
cream of wheat.

now I fill my face and                     ..........For better flow. I did not mess around with line breaks too much.
he sighs, looking
down at his wrist.                        ........Could be his caretaker. My head cannon is that the man is his son. Makes for a good twist.

 

An Alzheimer's patient attempts to remember his children. He has trouble keeping his train of thought constant. Aside from that, I did not gleam much else. 

Thanks for posting, 
SC

[armadillosarecool]

Hi SC,

Looks like you pretty much got all that there is to get out of this poem, it's basically just a little vignette.

I'm curious how you would suggest I further emphasize the thought fragments. I messed around with repositioning lines but I didn't like that. Thoughts?

Considering "haze," would "dust" also be too generic? I just want to preserve the image of "brushing," I'm attached to that. How about "soot?" That could also carry further implications and add a bit of ambiguity. 

Cut the "along with her face," that one didn't sit right with me. I might try to rework it somehow, but I don't think it's necessary.

For the second to last stanza, consider this version (I'll post a full revision after some other people weigh in):

who’s at the door?
just
the person come
to fix my
cream of wheat.

I want it to read in sort of a jerky, staccato way.

"Could be his caretaker. My head cannon is that the man is his son. Makes for a good twist."

I intended the other person to be a caretaker, but I'm glad there's enough ambiguity for you to take it that way too. I like that interpretation, but I want to leave it more open-ended. Also reworked the final stanza a bit for readability and whatnot. You'll see in a bit

Thanks for all the help SC

aac

By the way, this is part of a chapbook I'm working on about memory, thinking, daydreaming, and the mind in general. I'm going to call "Huginn and Muninn" (Thought and Memory) after Odin's ravens from Norse mythology. Eh? Then I can use ravens on the cover art, which obviously look super cool.

[Semicircle]

Hello armadillo,

I mentioned grass because it was something you could brush away. Soot and dust don't sit right with me, and I don't think you can brush a haze. Think on it a little.

I also think the jerky lines kill the flow, you have to pause between each line to read them. It's also strange to introduce an element like that in a poem with clean line breaks up until that point.

For emphasis on the fragments of thought, you should consistently make the longer stanzas rambling while the short thinner ones cut them off. You did that the best with the third stanza.


You introduce the Caretaker in the first line with cream of wheat, which throws me off. It's better that he comes in later while the other guy is rambling, to show that he was listening to him the whole time. In short: first line needs cutting.

Also, distinguish between the Caretaker and the patient more. The Caretaker's stanza sounds just as jerky as the patient's tangent, which makes me think he's him. Add more tangible elements in this poem to even it out.

.........

Keep in mind these are critiques based on my preferences. I'm not technically advanced at poetry critique. I just tells it how I sees it.

.......

The book idea sounds interesting. Share the progress here, if you can. We love that kinda stuff around here.

[armadillosarecool]

Hey SC,

I made a small revision, see what you think. There's still a ways to go with this one, but I think it's an improvement.

Best,

aac

[busker]

cream of wheat

and when she tottered
upright for the first time—

what was her name?
it hides under soot
that i can’t brush away.

“i” is a funny word.
didn’t “i” have something more? - a tad heavy handed 

who’s at the door?
just the person come to fix
my cream of wheat.
He goes through the motions
and places down my mush.  …. Maybe have the person as a “she” to suggest it’s the daughter in S1?

I fill my face
while he sighs,
looking down
at his wrist.

cream of wheat

and when she tottered
upright for the first time—

what was her name?
it hides in the haze
that i can’t brush away—
along with her face.

“i” is a funny word.
didn’t “i” have something more?

who’s at the door?
just
the person from outside
come to fix my
cream of wheat.

now I fill my face while
he sighs and
looks at his wrist. 

The revision reads quite well 
Nice one

[armadillosarecool]

Hi busker,

Thanks for the kind words and comments.

I agree that the "i" breakaway might be a bit over the top, but I kind of like it anyway... I'll think on it and see if anything better pops into my head that blows me away.

As for inferring the daughter instead of a caretaker, I'm not sure. I intended it as a tragic story, with the situation being that the speaker is alone, losing his grasp on his reality, and the only companionship he has is a caretaker that wants to be anywhere but with him.

I appreciate your input!

Best,

aac