Awake

[Semicircle]

Awake

Little boy
feigning sleep;
the sound of running 

water in the bathroom.
Cracked light
through the door
her shadow passing--

Listening to
labored breath,
the grip on her arm
stretching like rubber, and

        sharp inhale

The knob squeaks,
the door closing gently
behind. Bare feet
recede down the hall.

The little boy lies awake
wondering about his mother.

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey SC. It's great to hear from you. There's a lot to like with this one. I think I will just highlight a few awkward bits for you to consider.

Awake

At night
pretending to sleep

the sound of running water
in the bathroom sink

a crack of light
comes through the door--
her shadow flitting across it - this is a good image but slightly cliche in its delivery. 

wet sounds
struggled slippery sounds -tinker with these 2 lines. the following 3 deserve it.
like stretching rubber
and the constant downpour of water
cutting into the sink

and then the knob turned with a squeak
and then the light flicked off
and then the door closed with a creak -not sure if you are married to this repetition. Is it needed?

and then the little boy would sleep - I think "would" is your key word here. Hypothetical ending below...

a knob would turn with a squeak
a light flicked off
and a door would close with a creak

and then the little boy would sleep

I think I butchered that a little but the point was "only then" the boy would sleep.

[busker]

Awake

At night
pretending to sleep

the sound of running water
in the bathroom sink

a crack of light
comes through the door--
her shadow flitting across it …. This is a great line. 

wet sounds
struggled slippery sounds
like stretching rubber
and the constant downpour of water
cutting into the sink … loved this and the previous line 

and then the knob turned with a squeak
and then the light flicked off
and then the door closed with a creak …. Nice onomatopoeia 

and then the little boy would sleep … I’m not sure I get the overall story, but a nice read 

Good to have you back

[TranquillityBase]

Awake

At night
pretending to sleep            feigning?

the sound of running water
in the bathroom sink

a crack of light
comes through the door--
her shadow flitting across it      passing?

shouldn't the above be the second stanza?  that is, she'd pass by before the bathroom sounds begin?

wet sounds
struggled slippery sounds      agree with Tiger about these two lines
like stretching rubber
and the constant downpour of water    would it be constant?  someone using it would interrupt the "downpour" at moments
cutting into the sink

and then the knob turned with a squeak
and then the light flicked off
and then the door closed with a creak           sounds better to me without the repetition of "and then"

and then the little boy would sleep

Good to see you back.
TqB

[Semicircle]

Tiger -- 

It is good to be back, I was waiting for a good time to rejoin the ranks, and then it happened. I was not married to the repetition, I usually try to avoid it if I can. Thanks for the critique.


Busker--

Appreciate your feedback. The poem is mostly auditory, the little boy does not have context for what is going on in the bathroom.


Tranq--

Feigning is a good call. I agree that the stanzas should combine. Thanks.

---

Missed you guys.

[Mark A Becker]

Well hello Slicer-
we meet again. Interesting vignette of a poem. Some in-line comments below:


Awake

At night, a little boy Why not introduce the little boy right outta the gate? It's not like there'e a big twist at the end.
feigning sleep;

the sound of running water
in the bathroom sink.
Cracked light
through the door--
her shadow passing across. no need for 'across'

Slipping
labored grip,
like stretching rubber,
and the constant downpour of water 'constant downpour' seems a bit dramatic for this scene. ??
cutting into the sink. Does water really cut into the sink? sorta gurgles, me thinks

The knob would turned with a squeak, cut 'would', make it past tense
and the door closed with a creak cut 'and'
a light flicked off --

now the boy could sleep. 'could' I think, is more definite

[Semicircle]

Thanks Mark. I was intending a different effect with those two lines, but I don't think they landed. I have revised accordingly.

[Knot]

Hi SC,
improved with the revision, but the ending feels very rushed (and, for me, that squeak/creak/sleep rhyme completely undercuts any tension with its tone.)

At night, a little boy ................... do you need 'at night'?
feigning sleep;

the sound of running water
in the bathroom sink. ................ do you need 'sink'?
Cracked light
through the door--
her shadow passing.

Slipping
labored grip, ............................... not sure whose grip is slipping or laboured.
like stretching rubber.
The sound of running water ............. in two minds about the repetition. It feels like something is building, but then nothing happens. It ends, not with a bang but a squeak.
pervades.

The knob turned with a squeak,
the door closed with a creak,
and a light flicked off--

Now the little boy could sleep. .......why now?


Just a nudge ...


a little boy
feigning sleep;
the sound of running

water in the bathroom
sink. Cracked light
through the door--

her shadow stretching
like rubber. The sound
of running ...


Best, Knot


.

[Semicircle]

Thanks a bunch Knot! I gave the poem a good look, and decided to make some radical changes. I think it portrays what I was alluding to much better now.

It's funny how much a large poem shrinks down after critique.

.....

I am going to tinker around with the ending for a bit.

[Knot]

Hi SC,

better, but ...

I am going to tinker around with the ending for a bit.

yeah, I don't think you've nailed this yet.

Not sure what the new title brings (or why it appears in the poem.)

Perhaps a slight tweak to verse 2?

water in the bathroom.

Cracked light

her shadow passing ................ given this line should it be her grip tightening?

through the door

I still find the third verse confusing, who is doing what? (And what is she gripping?) Might it help to return the focus to the boy? Begin the verse with a reminder, something like

Little boy

listening

to his/her laboured breath ?

Best, Knot

.

[Mark A Becker]

Youre' gettin there slicer-

You said, "It's funny how much a large poem shrinks down after critique."

I agree- sorta like chideling away at a sculpture, or removing unnecessary embellishments from a song. or slowily undressing your lover. You get the point...

[Semicircle]

I lost confidence on 'In Stasis' haha. Awake works better.
Made some changes and I'm getting to a happy point with this one.


Knot-- Thanks for the critiques. You have been very helpful to me.

Mark-- I appreciate the encouragement. Maybe if I get really good at making poetry, that skill will translate over to undressing lovers.

[busker]

Awake

Little boy
feigning sleep; - I think the opening has been over-finessed. 'The 'little boy' reveal is there at the end in a short poem, and the first two lines read like a footnote. 
the sound of running 

water in the bathroom.
Cracked light
through the door
her shadow passing--

Listening to
labored breath, ...cliche
the grip on her arm
stretching like rubber, and

        sharp inhale  ...inhalation?

The knob squeaks,
the door closing gently  ...cliche
behind. Bare feet
recede down the hall.  ...nice

The little boy lies awake  ... maybe change back the 'little boy / feigning sleep' to 'at night / feigning sleep'? don't need the little boy again
wondering about his mother.

The first draft had a few flaws, but the images were more arresting (water cutting into the sink / constant downpour). Logic demanded that these lines be changed, but the result is a watered down poem.

[Pjames]

The poem has an immediate or realistic quality, meaning that I can feel the tension of the moments. But I get a little confused when I read

the grip on her arm
stretching like rubber, and

Who is gripping her arm, and how does the boy know her arm is being gripped if he is just hearing sounds?

[Wjames]

Awake

Little boy
feigning sleep;
the sound of running 

water in the bathroom. This is a strong opening. Getting twice the image out of the previous line is nice.
Cracked light
through the door 
her shadow passing-- I like that the light is her shadow passing, you see it twice, another sort of combined image as above. I was going to say you could cut 'the' in the previous line, but I don't think it really matters.

Listening to
labored breath,
the grip on her arm
stretching like rubber, and I don't think you need this 'and'.

        sharp inhale

The knob squeaks,
the door closing gently I think this 'the' is unnecessary. There's three in this very short stanza, and this one is the one to cut. I like the stanza, though.
behind. Bare feet
recede down the hall.

The little boy lies awake  I don't think you need to tell us again that it's the little boy, we know that. If this were my poem, I would try to show the child lying awake in a simple way, i.e 'one leg outside the covers'. The title says he's awake as well, don't need to say that again here imo.
wondering about his mother.

Hey Semicircle, I think this is really good, I like seeing a movie in words.