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Fogwood
March Carolina dogwoods
float popcorn-blossomed
between dew-grassed earth
and misty sailcloth sky
as if trees were fountaining
whiteful joy from slender trunks
through boughs and branches deep
into breath-held overlay
or bashful Sun cascaded
flowers down each laden stem
freshly nourishing
this ancient newborn world.
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(03-15-2024, 09:39 AM)dukealien Wrote: Fogwood
March Carolina dogwoods
popcorn-blossomed spew between "spew" seems a coarse verb to use here
dew-grassed lemon-crocused earth
and foggy sailcloth sky. these last two lines seem a bit overcrowded with images; I'd consider cutting "dew-grassed". "foggy sailcloth sky" is excellent.
It’s as if trees were spraying
whiteful joy from upright trunks
through boughs and branches deep into
a breath-held overlay really like these last two lines
or bashful Sun cascading flowers
into each laden swelling stem
brightly nursing, nourishing
this ancient newborn world. great finish
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edit;
March Carolina dogwoods
popcorn-blossomed float between
dew-grassed sighing earth
and foggy sailcloth sky.
It’s as if trees were spraying
whiteful joy from upright trunks
through boughs and branches deep into
a breath-held overlay
or bashful Sun cascaded flowers
into each laden swelling stem
brightly nursing, nourishing
this ancient newborn world.
As usual, much-appreciated criticism found the parts most recently (and unfortunately) revised. Kept the parts which were liked. Thanks!
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Hi duke,
like the title, the opening verse and that final couplet, but it seems to lose its way in the middle: spraying, in particular, feels very off. Would the image be more like a fountain?
Another niggle, for me, is 'foggy' (I think sailcloth sky is terrific, and the modifier weakens it. Also, given the title, doesn't seem needed. Perhaps a more nautical term?)
Lastly, do you need March?
A nudge, of sorts
Carolina dogwoods
popcorn-blossom
floating between
dew-grassed earth
and sailcloth sky.
fountains
of whiteful joy,
brightly nursing,
nourishing all this
ancient newborn world.
Best, Knot
.
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(03-15-2024, 09:39 AM)dukealien Wrote: Fogwood
March Carolina dogwoods
popcorn-blossomed float between I think it might be better if float is before popcorn-blossomed?
dew-grassed sighing earth
and foggy sailcloth sky.
It’s as if trees were spraying
whiteful joy from upright trunks
through boughs and branches deep into
a breath-held overlay
or bashful Sun cascaded flowers
into each laden swelling stem
brightly nursing, nourishing I think you can improve on "brightly nursing" - nursing is already covered with nourshing, and brightly by flowers. My thought would be changing "brightly nursing" to something like "a lei" (may be a bit too hawaiian for Carolina), or "a vase", or "a smile" (could work well with all the white, but may be a bit redundact with whiteful joy above).
this ancient newborn world.
Hey Duke, this is really good, lots to see and smell and feel.
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(03-20-2024, 01:15 AM)Michaelpoet Wrote: I liked this very much.
This is insufficient feedback for the workshops. (Basic Critique) Same with your response in "Mild to Moderate Critique" on "The Fabulist." Please put some time and thought into your responses to poems in the workshops.
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edit2;
March Carolina dogwoods
float popcorn-blossomed
between dew-grassed earth
and vague sailcloth sky
as if trees were fountaining
whiteful joy from upright trunks
through boughs and branches deep into
a breath-held overlay
or bashful Sun cascaded
flowers down each laden stem
radiantly nourishing
this ancient newborn world.
Thanks for the further critiques (and the encouragement, but we have our little rules). Always reticent to prune very much, but (@Knot) liked the fountains. Other changes also reduced the word count - not, I hope, eliminating anything that should remain. Getting a bit spare... is it a wrap?
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(03-20-2024, 04:44 AM)dukealien Wrote: edit2;
March Carolina dogwoods
float popcorn-blossomed
between dew-grassed earth
and vague sailcloth sky
as if trees were fountaining
whiteful joy from upright trunks
through boughs and branches deep into
a breath-held overlay
or bashful Sun cascaded
flowers down each laden stem
radiantly nourishing
this ancient newborn world.
Thanks for the further critiques (and the encouragement, but we have our little rules). Always reticent to prune very much, but (@Knot) liked the fountains. Other changes also reduced the word count - not, I hope, eliminating anything that should remain. Getting a bit spare... is it a wrap?
Reads pretty finished to me. I do miss "foggy sailcloth sky"; not sure "vague" does it justice.
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Hi duke,
a wrap? Not quite, but perilously close I think.
Agree with TqB about 'vague' - do you need any modifier at all there?
S2 - should 'were' be 'are'?
Given 'fountaining' (nice verb!) what are 'upright trunks' adding?
S3 - 'radiantly' seems overkill, to me (and somewhat at odds with 'bashful') And I thought 'nursing' preferable to 'nourishing'
One last thought, I was/am a bit puzzled by 'breath-held overlay' and how it might be different from 'sailcloth sky' so might you consider switching the order of stanzas two and three? (Ending with the sun and its effects seems to change the focus of the piece right at the last.)
Best, Knot
.
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dukealien dateline='[url=tel:1710463162' Wrote: 1710463162[/url]']
Fogwood
March Carolina dogwoods
float popcorn-blossomed … I like this line, even as the idea of dogwood trees themselves floating jars a bit
between dew-grassed earth
and vague sailcloth sky …. There’s a surfeit of adjective-hyphen-noun pairings in this strophe. Even ‘sailcloth sky’ is one too many adjectives
as if trees were fountaining …. I like this line
whiteful joy from upright trunks … don’t like ‘whiteful joy’
through boughs and branches deep into
a breath-held overlay… another adjective-hyphen-noun here. Needed?
or bashful Sun cascaded
flowers down each laden stem
radiantly nourishing
this ancient newborn world. … I like ‘ancient newborn’
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edit3;
March Carolina dogwoods
float popcorn-blossomed
between dew-grassed earth
and misty sailcloth sky
as if trees were fountaining
whiteful joy from slender trunks
through boughs and branches deep
into breath-held overlay
or bashful Sun cascaded
flowers down each laden stem
freshly nourishing
this ancient newborn world.
I've done what I could with all the good advice, but discarded some of it. My excuse is that to get alliteration/assonance going can take more than two bites of the apple, as it were, and that requires more words. Thanks, as always, to all the critics.
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Hi duke,
two niggles,
firstly, surely you're missing a comma after March?
And two, there seems to be a disconnect between 'float' and 'fountaining'/'cascaded' ... or am I missing something?
Just a thought
March, Carolina dogwoods
burst, popcorn-blossomed,
between dew-grassed earth
and balmy sailcloth sky
also
...
nourishing, afresh,
...
?
Best, Knot
PS Is it only me that's drawing an ejaculation inference from 'whiteful joy'?
Probably shouldn't have asked.
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(03-15-2024, 09:39 AM)dukealien Wrote: Fogwood
March Carolina dogwoods
float popcorn-blossomed
between dew-grassed earth
and misty sailcloth sky
as if trees were fountaining
whiteful joy from slender trunks
through boughs and branches deep
into breath-held overlay
or bashful Sun cascaded
flowers down each laden stem
freshly nourishing
this ancient newborn world.
I really like this. Really feel the bursting of spring contrasted with understated fog and almost tiredness. The youth and age goes really nice, bursting of spring life with understated fog. Sailcloth sky personal highlight
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