Perfect Love

[Lizzie]

as the rippling shadows on your naked face
give way to the morning light,

you are a yielding fruit tree,
plump with the seeds I planted
inside of you.

I'm not lonely now; I was for so long—
I see myself in your eyes,
and you are perfect today,
on this seventh and best of days. 

I'm glowing     burning     ecstatic
     I love you—

you'd be right to say it back.

I made you what you are
and no one else will ever love you
the way I do—
you're incomplete without me—
I love you.

say it back
say it with your eyes facing me
say it on your knees

you're perfect to me, my love,
as the rippling shadows on your naked face
give way to the morning light;

you are a yielding fruit tree,
plump with the seeds I created
inside of you.

I'm not lonely now; I was for so long—
I see myself in your eyes today,
this best of days.

I'm glowing     burning     ecstatic
     I love you—

you'd be right to say it back.

I made you what you are
and no one else will ever love you
the way I do—
you're incomplete without me—

say it back
say it with your palms and your eyes facing the sky
say it on your knees

[Fearful Symmetry]

I really enjoy the progression in this poem. The connection between a controlling partner and the god of the Old Testament is wonderful

Of course feel free to disagree, but this might be stronger without the last two lines. The three lines preceding them are so ominous, particularly “say it on your knees”, and the context of the poem already suggests the punishment for disobeying without saying it, but with the last lines bringing such a sudden shift I don’t know that we get a chance to live in that foreboding.

[Lizzie]

I find you persuasive enough to lop them off like a bad appendage. 

I like the progression as well, but there's still an artlessness that must be addressed.

[Tiger the Lion]

I find you persuasive enough to lop them off like a bad appendage. 

I like the progression as well, but there's still an artlessness that must be addressed.

I agree about chopping the end lines. I'm not sure about "artless" but an allusion to the father figure experiencing some form of  temptation of his own might add texture.

[Lizzie]

I find you persuasive enough to lop them off like a bad appendage. 

I like the progression as well, but there's still an artlessness that must be addressed.

I agree about chopping the end lines. I'm not sure about "artless" but an allusion to the father figure experiencing some form of  temptation of his own might add texture.

Tiger, can you say more about this? I was confused at first when you said father figure, because the whole trinity thing is a new testament construction. I think that you're saying that this sounds like an abusive parent/child relationship. I was thinking more of a controlling romantic partner.

[Tiger the Lion]

I find you persuasive enough to lop them off like a bad appendage. 

I like the progression as well, but there's still an artlessness that must be addressed.

I agree about chopping the end lines. I'm not sure about "artless" but an allusion to the father figure experiencing some form of  temptation of his own might add texture.

Tiger, can you say more about this? I was confused at first when you said father figure, because the whole trinity thing is a new testament construction. I think that you're saying that this sounds like an abusive parent/child relationship. I was thinking more of a controlling romantic partner.

Yes, it is all those things. I imagined something vulnerable on the dictator's end would add another layer of conflict. I'm having trouble explaining. I'll be back with a more succinct explanation.

[rayheinrich]

I agree about chopping the end lines. I'm not sure about "artless" but an allusion to the father figure experiencing some form of  temptation of his own might add texture.

Tiger, can you say more about this? I was confused at first when you said father figure, because the whole trinity thing is a new testament construction. I think that you're saying that this sounds like an abusive parent/child relationship. I was thinking more of a controlling romantic partner.

Yes, it is all those things. I imagined something vulnerable on the dictator's end would add another layer of conflict. I'm having trouble explaining. I'll be back with a more succinct explanation.

I think the vulnerability you were looking for Tiger is in this line:
"I'm not lonely now; I was for so long—"
It isn't in keeping with the usual descriptions of god since he's "perfect and complete
in and of himself". He doesn't need humans, doesn't need worshiping. So why did he
create humanity? "Because it pleased him." Why should we worship him? "Because it
pleases him." It's those emotions that always confuse me. God is magic because he
can have them but not need them.

Your poem, Liz, brings those puzzles out quite nicely.
My only suggestion is that the title is too straightforward, too literal.
I think the rest of the poem implies that for all of us with inquiring minds.
Maybe a title along the lines of perfect love or perfect lover or some such.

[Mark A Becker]

Old Testament God

you're perfect to me, my love,
as the rippling shadows on your naked face
give way to the morning light;

you are a yielding fruit tree,
plump with the seeds I created suggesting 'planted'
inside of you.

I'm not lonely now; I was for so long— these 3 lines could be cut
I see myself in your eyes today,
this best of days.

I'm glowing     burning     ecstatic
     I love you—

you'd be right to say it back.

I made you what you are
and no one else will ever love you
the way I do—
you're incomplete without me—

(perhaps repeat 'I love you' here. ??)

say it back
say it with your palms and your eyes facing the sky maybe just, 'say it facing me' ??
say it on your knees

Hi Lizzie-
You create a good analogy between a controlling god of the old testament, and a controlling lover. I suggested cutting those 3 lines because they diffused the power of the N, for me. The ending lines are particulary strong, though L.2 could be shortened, for more punch: 'facing me' is more direct, and not as abstract as 'facing the the sky'.
Thanks,
Mark

[Lizzie]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I think that the title does need to change to something more specific, but I'm waffling. 

The God of the Pentateuch (the first five books of the OT) is portrayed as having quite human-like emotions and is prone to fits of jealous rage. Bloom hypothesizes a single author for those 5 books because of this authorial characteristic. Anyway, that's where my mind is. But, this might all be too niche. Or maybe too broad? It's too something. Anyway, thanks for the thoughts.

---

Changing the title to see how it changes the reading. Also made some changes in the body of it that Mark suggested. 
It's really coming home to me how crap I am at writing love poetry. The first part is just....ick. 
Something to workshop, I guess.