Pillar and Fire - edit2

[dukealien]

Pillar and Fire


Many early mornings to the south
I see a rising pillar of white cloud
superimposed, in frost or fickle sun,
on fading stars or rainbow-borrowed blue.

Like that in the Testament this sign
shows presence of unseen, upholding power:
an ark of electricity which warms
and cools and unifies each hearth and heart.

It does not move or nightly shine with fire–
its deep reactor rages silently
as moderated, unconsumed, it glows
invisibly in covenant restraint.

edit1;

Many early mornings to the south
I see a rising pillar of white cloud
superimposed, lean mushroom or lone flower,
on fading stars or rainbow-borrowed blue.

Like that in the Testament this sign
shows presence of unseen, upholding power:
an ark of electricity which warms
and cools and unifies each hearth and heart.

It does not move or nightly shine with fire–
its deep reactor rages silently
as moderated, unconsumed, it glows
invisibly in covenant restraint.


original version;

Many early mornings to the south
I see a rising pillar of white cloud
superimposed by season of the year
on fading stars or rainbow-borrowed blue.

Like that in the Testament this sign
shows presence of unseen, upholding power:
an ark of electricity which warms
and cools and entertains each hearth and heart.

It does not move or nightly shine with fire–
its deep reactor rages silently
as moderated, unconsumed, it glows
invisibly in covenant restraint.

[Fearful Symmetry]

Hi Duke,

I enjoyed this very much. Every few months or so I drive by a refinery and its constant pillar of cloud. Unsurprisingly, this usually makes me think of Robert Pinsky’s The Refinery. Seeing that pillar of cloud, now, I think the comparison you’ve drawn here will likely join the club.

I’m not following what “by season of the year” means in this context. I understand the image, the pillar of smoke from the power plant against the night or day sky, but I understand that from “superimposed on fading stars…”

I’m not convinced that I’m right about this, but the first couple of times I read this poem the word “entertains” seemed a little out place to me. Compared to the biblical scope of the piece and the larger task of keeping everyone cool/warm, the idea of entertainment seemed possibly a little small.

I’m especially impressed with “It does not move or nightly shine with fire–
its deep reactor rages”. There’s a pleasant density in those last three words, like you find in Dylan Thomas.

[dukealien]

edit;

Many early mornings to the south
I see a rising pillar of white cloud
superimposed, lean mushroom or lone flower,
on fading stars or rainbow-borrowed blue.

Like that in the Testament this sign
shows presence of unseen, upholding power:
an ark of electricity which warms
and cools and unifies each hearth and heart.

It does not move or nightly shine with fire–
its deep reactor rages silently
as moderated, unconsumed, it glows
invisibly in covenant restraint.

---

Thanks for the encouraging critique.  You pinpointed the rough spots - I can tell because they were the two most modified during prior revisions.

The puzzling "season of the year" business was

an attempt to explain why the reactor heat exchanger-clearing (or whatever it is) cloud of water vapor is sometimes against near-darkness and stars, sometimes against blue sky:  because in winter the sun comes up later

but that was really too convoluted and passed up an opportunity to paint some more pictures 

I'd like a better word than "unifies,"  that would express networking or the grid, but it hasn't come yet.

Re Dylan Thomas:  some borrowings are more brazen than others.  I once concluded an essay on Social Security with,

"...consists of a carrot and a stick, and the string between them is fraud."  Recognize it?

[Fearful Symmetry]

1697571285[/url]']
edit;

Many early mornings to the south
I see a rising pillar of white cloud
superimposed, lean mushroom or lone flower,
on fading stars or rainbow-borrowed blue.

This reads like a step in the right direction to me   , but where “mushroom cloud” is such a known image it might be worth staying away from fungi altogether  

1697571285[/url]']
edit;
Like that in the Testament this sign
shows presence of unseen, upholding power:
an ark of electricity which warms
and cools and unifies each hearth and heart.

I'd like a better word than "unifies,"  that would express networking or the grid, but it hasn't come yet.

Don’t stop hunting on my account but I like unifies    

1697571285[/url]']
edit;
Re Dylan Thomas:  some borrowings are more brazen than others.  I once concluded an essay on Social Security with,

"...consists of a carrot and a stick, and the string between them is fraud."  Recognize it?

You got me, I’m not familiar with that one.

[dukealien]

edit2;

Many early mornings to the south
I see a rising pillar of white cloud
superimposed, in frost or fickle sun,
on fading stars or rainbow-borrowed blue.

Like that in the Testament this sign
shows presence of unseen, upholding power:
an ark of electricity which warms
and cools and unifies each hearth and heart.

It does not move or nightly shine with fire–
its deep reactor rages silently
as moderated, unconsumed, it glows
invisibly in covenant restraint.

---

Decided to go with the engineering/political this time - the Sun, for all its virtues, will never replace my little neighborhood star-in-an-Ark... it's dependable in broad terms, but not for keeping the household running.  Every county should have one - and not a big-time plant that requires a lake to cool it, like mine!

[Fearful Symmetry]

Seems like you’ve hit the nail on the head to me 

[DonMar]

Pillar and Fire


Many early mornings to the south
I see a rising pillar of white cloud
superimposed, in frost or fickle sun,
on fading stars or rainbow-borrowed blue.

Like that in the Testament this sign
shows presence of unseen, upholding power:
an ark of electricity which warms
and cools and unifies each hearth and heart.

It does not move or nightly shine with fire–
its deep reactor rages silently
as moderated, unconsumed, it glows
invisibly in covenant restraint.

The revised version sounds excellent to me. Not a word is wasted, and the tightness of the whole makes the third stanza stand out, with its invisible, silent threat. 'Its deep reactor rages silently' is a stunning image.
The alliteration and assonance throughout the piece contribute to the smooth, compelling flow.
I'm enjoying the strong biblical allusion in the second and third stanzas, and the human factor in 'an ark of electricity which warms/and cools and unifies each hearth and heart'. Lovely imagery.

[dukealien]

[Image: https://i.imgur.com/w4YepWu.jpg]


Possible heading picture


Opinions?  Would it add anything if placed above the text?

https://i.imgur.com/w4YepWu.jpg

(Can't seem to get it to display inline on this particular forum)

[Fearful Symmetry]

I don’t think so, I think it would take away from the piece.

[dukealien]

I don’t think so, I think it would take away from the piece.

Good call, looks like I'd have to move it to Miscellaneous anyway!