Nocturne for Violin and Cello

[Fearful Symmetry]

Nocturne for Violin and Cello

To say that the hair
of the bow is also
caressed

would be
to say enough
about the familiar

reciprocities.
Still, they moan
so prettily, illicit

conspirators whose plans
are laid down
in dashes and dots.

Do you think
it would be more crude
to say he is played

between the legs
or that she
is tucked away,

inches from a kiss?
Even now, distending
and collapsing

like a lung, they intend
to play back their secrets
only to themselves.

[dukealien]

Nocturne for Violin and Cello Implying time of day (night) and identifying the instruments.

To say that the hair is "that" necessary here?
of the bow is also good internal rhyme
caressed perfect word, rather than "rubbed" or "pressed"

would be
to say enough the short lines may not be helping here - the first two may read better joined
about the familiar

reciprocities.
Still, they moan
so prettily, illicit but unless they're improvising, they're licit with the score.

conspirators whose plans
are laid down
in dashes and dots. I have trouble seeing musical notation as dashes - long rests, maybe.  Could something be done with the five lines of the staff and fingers gliding over parchment skin?

Do you think
it would be more crude
to say he is played  no, "clenched" instead of "played" would be crude (g)

between the legs
or that she
is tucked away, need a verb in place of "is" here... "sings" or the like

inches from a kiss?  Good images
Even now, distending
and collapsing

like a lung, they intend the whole "distending...lung" simile seems far-fetched.  their *music* does that, the compared is too physical
to play back their secrets need one word for "play back" - "recite" or "release" but better
only to themselves.

In intensive critique, I found this a bit challenging, as noted above.  The three-line stanzas and white space seem hesitant; if that's the kind of romance they're enacting, well and good. The thing about string instruments, as opposed to wind instruments, is that they use friction rather than breath to produce their effect - allowing long, flowing passages.  Which is not to say this should be flute and English horn, but might explain why the distending lung simile didn't work for me.

There's definitely a worthwhile concept here; perhaps I'm demanding too literal a progression of image and simile.

[Fearful Symmetry]

Thank you very much for insights and observations, Duke, I greatly appreciate you taking the time

You’ve given me some things to think about.

[Lizzie]

Yay! Finally a Tyger poem! I come from a musical family, so this one makes my heart happy.

The title is perfect. Evening and intimacy -- the male being the bigger instrument and the female has the higher pitched, whinier voice that sounds like a cat being murdered if you don't play her just right. Works on every level.    You may get push back from some who think you are unfairly stereotyping, but those people can write their own poem. Yours is lovely. 

Nocturne for Violin and Cello

To say that the hair 
of the bow is also
caressed

would be
to say enough
about the familiar

reciprocities. -- Yes, enough has been said. The opening flatters the reader by insinuating that they're smart enough to get it. A strong start. 
Still, they moan
so prettily, illicit -- Unfortunately, I don't think that "prettily" is the right word. Adverbs are usually a compensation for a weak verb, but "moan" is not bad. I would still revisit moan anyway to see if you can come up with a verb which wouldn't need a modifier. "Pretty" is one of those vague generalities that doesn't do as much to amplify the meaning of a word as much as one might initially imagine. "Beautiful" has the same problem. 

conspirators whose plans -- I agree with Mr. Alien that this characterization of the instruments as illicit conspirators isn't congruent with the idea of them playing beautiful music from the page. Perhaps there in an implication that this is an affair? Perhaps there was supposed to be a piano accompaniment and it wasn't invited to the party? We're now a hair away from the metaphor breaking down. Ultimately, it seems unfair to the violin and cello to criticize them for playing music the way they were intended to be played. They are sympathetic characters, in my opinion. 
are laid down -- Nice double meaning here
in dashes and dots. -- I agree again that "dashes" doesn't work. "Dots" works -- you have a lot of options here. 

Do you think
it would be more crude -- Why would it be crude? I experience this as an unpleasant authorial intrusion -- I stopped to think, "Is this crude? What would make it crude? Should I feel that it is? Does the author want me to think it is or isn't? Am I being asked to weigh in one way or another? Is this an attempt to displace guilt onto the reader, like a hot potato kind of situation?" This question led me off on several tangents that added nothing to the reading. 
to say he is played

between the legs
or that she
is tucked away, -- I like this observation that the cello and the violin are not so different 

inches from a kiss? -- I think that the eroticism is clever and tastefully done. It doesn't need an apology. I mean, is Sharon Olds crude? In my opinion, no, but it's up to you where your personal lines are. Either way, you can't expect the reader to make those decisions for you. 
Even now, distending
and collapsing

like a lung, they intend -- I get the point about lungs vs. string instruments. I don't have a solution for this. I really like the image and don't wish to see it cut, but I can see the inconsistencies for the conceit. It fits with the tone, though, so I'm waffling..... I suppose there's no harm in trying to think of a different image to resolve the tension, as you can always stick with the original if there's nothing better. But, yes, this would work better with woodwinds or brass. 
to play back their secrets -- "play back" could be substituted with a more interesting verb
only to themselves. -- Is this the illicit part? That they've left the orchestra behind? I like the idea of a couple of instruments sneaking behind the curtain after a performance and doing a bit of avant-garde exploration. It seems innocent though. If you were looking for complicated, it doesn't come across to me that way. However, I might change my mind next week, and then I'll come back if I decide I was wrong all day long. 

I hear a controlled tone to the speaker's voice, like a vocalist who's learned to modulate volume and master range. Reads as sophistication. And I like that it reads like a song from beginning to end. 

I think it has good bones (no pun intended). I hope you keep working on it. 

Best,

Lizzie

[Fearful Symmetry]

Lizzie, I am incredibly grateful for your insightful and detailed critique  

Thank you for taking the time to dig so deeply.

I’ve been mulling over what you (and Duke) had to say and I’m fully converted on multiple points (e.g. “dashes” bad…not sure what I was thinking there  )

Maybe some more work will get these bones dancin’!

[crow]

Lizzie got this right on the micro level.

I wrote this, which is wrong, about the macro level. But still maybe you can use it: 
Lizzie spotted, but didn’t highlight, your macro problem. Your macro problem is this, and bear with me: a cello can fuck a violin metaphorically, a cellist can fuck a violinist literally, and a cellist can fuck a violinist simile-ly, if the musical act is like a sex act.

If you don’t/aren’t doing that last one, then you and your poem displease me and everyone on earth. But if you are doing that last one, and I think you are, where a cellist and a violinist are having sex via music during a performance, then I love this poem, and need you to change moan to groan or to make it longer or to something.

What if the violinist gets quieter and the cellist won’t? Do I care that the audience likes it? Stuff like that.

If this is the boring thing where you want a cello and a violin to have sex as a metaphor, it would have to be really good to interest anyone who hasn’t played in a string section. 

But I think the violinist is telling the cellist to get naked during a performance. I think this is a simile, where two things are alike—sex is like music—and not a metaphor where things are the same, sex is music. This would be the rare case where a simile has more power than a metaphor.

[jonvandalen]

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Nocturne for Violin and Cello

To say that the hair
of the bow is also
caressed

would be
to say enough
about the familiar

reciprocities.
Still, they moan
so prettily, illicit rather than prettily perhaps something calling forth more of the emotional element

conspirators whose plans
are laid down
in dashes and dots. Perhaps referencing the page or measures rather than dashes and dots

Do you think
it would be more crude
to say he is played

between the legs
or that she
is tucked away,

inches from a kiss?
Even now, distending
and collapsing

like a lung, they intend I wonder if there is some way to let the breath or the expanding and collapsing of lovers lead here without the direct call out of a lung
to play back their secrets
only to themselves.