Hello, I like the imagery in this one. The puppy enthusiasm is very expressive. Wasn’t sure if you were looking for critique, so I put the two edit suggestions in a box, open/read/use however you wish. I enjoyed the read.
(09-02-2023, 02:51 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Idolatry
In the beginning
I was the puppy
ears pricked
tail furious
peering out the windows
It is confusing for the puppy/N to be gorging and gagging in the next line but to be the one being eaten here. For the poem to make sense to the reader, it works better if the N does all the eating. Or if the N must also be eaten, we will need some context. The title and everything else about the poem seem to say that the N is the one who is fixated/worshiping/consuming to the point of obsession. Then later the poem says the shapes are indigestible, which leads the reader to assume that is why the N is gagging after gorging, but that only works of the N is the one using the spoon.
You could have eaten me (fed?)
with a soup spoon
but consumed me instead (gorged/glutted, choked, sated, filled?)
with shapes and shadows
indigestible, sublime
I gorged and gagged,
gorged and gagged,
(and might have forever
gorged and gagged The subsequent lines belong inside the parenthesis for the sentence to make sense. The “had I not” refers to the words inside the parenthesis.
had I not gotten my snout slapped
for my own damn good)
I slunk away
in that defeated way
that only a puppy
could slink away
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara
(09-02-2023, 12:42 PM)Quixilated Wrote: Hello, I like the imagery in this one. The puppy enthusiasm is very expressive. Wasn’t sure if you were looking for critique, so I put the two edit suggestions in a box, open/read/use however you wish. I enjoyed the read.
(09-02-2023, 02:51 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Idolatry
In the beginning
I was the puppy
ears pricked
tail furious
peering out the windows
It is confusing for the puppy/N to be gorging and gagging in the next line but to be the one being eaten here. For the poem to make sense to the reader, it works better if the N does all the eating. Or if the N must also be eaten, we will need some context. The title and everything else about the poem seem to say that the N is the one who is fixated/worshiping/consuming to the point of obsession. Then later the poem says the shapes are indigestible, which leads the reader to assume that is why the N is gagging after gorging, but that only works of the N is the one using the spoon.
You could have eaten me (fed?)
with a soup spoon
but consumed me instead (gorged/glutted, choked, sated, filled?)
with shapes and shadows
indigestible, sublime
I gorged and gagged,
gorged and gagged,
(and might have forever
gorged and gagged The subsequent lines belong inside the parenthesis for the sentence to make sense. The “had I not” refers to the words inside the parenthesis.
had I not gotten my snout slapped
for my own damn good)
