The green rays, caught in eons of sunsets,
flared with a nameless ache. The sudden sea
enclosed this shelter of warm silhouettes
whose pictures lie beneath drywall debris.
Each missing dream was prayed for, listlessly,
through bright fog, rank with the mildewed decay
of sheets too large. Calls echoed every day
down hallways filled with dead time's sand, before
oblivion returned your image—gray
like storm clouds. With my name, you washed ashore.
Minor edits:
L3: changed "ruin that warm silhouettes" to "shelter of warm silhouettes"
L4: changed "called home—their pictures in the roof's debris" to "whose pictures lie beneath drywall debris."
Earlier drafts:
Draft 2: Alcyone Remembers
The green rays caught in eons of sunsets
flared with a nameless ache. The sudden sea
enclosed this shelter of the silhouettes
in pictures, strewn among drywall debris.
Each missing dream was prayed for, fruitlessly,
upon a bed of mildewy decay,
through morning’s fog. Calls echoed every day
down bright halls filled with longing's sand, before
oblivion returned your image, gray
like storm clouds. With my name, you washed ashore.
Draft 1: Alcyone Remembers
Soon after watching thousands of sunsets
for green rays with a nameless ache, the sea
surrounded this shelter for silhouettes
from pictures strewn among drywall debris.
Lost dreams cost dawns to search for, fruitlessly,
in this bright fog and mildewy decay
of empty bed. Calls echoed every day
down hallways filled with longing's sand, before
oblivion returned your visage, gray
like storm clouds. With my name, you washed ashore.
Soon after watching thousands of sunsets for green rays with a nameless ache, the sea surrounded this shelter for silhouettes from pictures strewn among drywall debris.this first sentence is very confusing, almost too many 'for of from among' words. Pictures strewn among drywall debris is a pretty great line
Lost dreams cost dawns to search for, fruitlessly, in this bright fog and mildewy decay
of empty bed. Very very lofty speech, I get this one, but maybe a different adjective than 'bright'
Calls echoed every day down hallways filled with longing's sand, before oblivion returned your visage, gray
like storm clouds. Sand is a kind of jolting word, it's another sea reference, maybe not 'longing's' sand, just sand.
With my name, you washed ashore.i like the my name after the nameless ache, I love the enjambment between your lines, Its just a little too confusing with ideas to me. Thanks for sharing
(06-26-2023, 04:53 AM)Velasco Wrote: Soon after watching thousands of sunsets I've read this a handful of times and I still cant figure out who/what the subject is, is it the sea? the shelter?
for green rays with a nameless ache, the sea Green rays is interesting, like the sun is also sea in someway, sea green. Nameless ache looses me some.
surrounded this shelter for silhouettes for trips me up here
from pictures strewn among drywall debris. Now an image is appearing, some sort of ruin by the sea, pictures, walls, memories. There is the constant of the sun and the sea, thousands of sunsets, etc and the ephemeral of humanity.
Lost dreams cost dawns to search for, fruitlessly,
in this bright fog and mildewy decay
of empty bed. Calls echoed every day
down hallways filled with longing's sand, before
oblivion returned your visage, gray
like storm clouds. With my name, you washed ashore.
This poem is dense, the images/words are vibrant, but it was difficult for me to parse through. I do think it brings us somewhere powerful with the last two liines.I guess I yearn for simpler syntax and less enjambment. I reckon the form probably shaped the poem to some degree? The tone is melancholic, and maybe a little emptied or something, but there is also a larger picture with nature, thousands, oblivion, dreams... thanks for sharing. Below i just broke it into sentences, to see if it made it easier to follow or not.
Soon after watching thousands of sunsets for green rays with a nameless ache, the sea surrounded this shelter for silhouettes from pictures strewn among drywall debris.
Lost dreams cost dawns to search for, fruitlessly, in this bright fog and mildewy decay of empty bed.
Calls echoed every day down hallways filled with longing's sand, before oblivion returned your visage, gray like storm clouds. With my name, you washed ashore.
(06-26-2023, 04:53 AM)Velasco Wrote: Soon after watching thousands of sunsets
for green rays with a nameless ache, the sea
surrounded this shelter for silhouettes with (?)
from pictures strewn among drywall debris.
Lost dreams cost dawns to search for, fruitlessly, caused (?) instead of cost
in this bright fog and mildewy decay the (?) / mildewed instead of mildewy (?)
of an empty bed. Calls echoed every day
down hallways filled with longing's sand, before "longing's sand" may be a bridge too far; maybe another word in there would help; "longing's drifted sand" (?)
oblivion returned your visage, gray
like storm clouds. With my name, you washed ashore.Really like this final line.
A somewhat puzzling poem, but it's the kind of puzzle I enjoy.
(06-26-2023, 04:53 AM)Velasco Wrote: The green rays caught in eons of sunsets
flared with a nameless ache. The sudden sea
enclosed this shelter of the silhouettes
in pictures, strewn among drywall debris.
Each missing dream was prayed for, fruitlessly,
upon a bed of mildewy decay.I suggest a hard stop here and then continue as written Through morning’s fog, calls echoed every day
down bright halls filled with longing's sand, before
oblivion returned your image, gray
like storm clouds. With my name, you washed ashore.
Draft 1: Alcyone Remembers
Soon after watching thousands of sunsets
for green rays with a nameless ache, the sea
surrounded this shelter for silhouettes
from pictures strewn among drywall debris.
Lost dreams cost dawns to search for, fruitlessly,
in this bright fog and mildewy decay
of empty bed. Calls echoed every day
down hallways filled with longing's sand, before
oblivion returned your visage, gray
like storm clouds. With my name, you washed ashore.
Hi Velasco,
I like the edits. Especially the first lines. Reads much better for me. I made some minor suggestions above. The only other thought I had was changing to tense of the entire poem to present tense.
Take care,
bryn
(06-26-2023, 04:53 AM)Velasco Wrote: The green rays caught in eons of sunsets
flared with a nameless ache. The sudden sea
enclosed this shelter of the silhouettes
in pictures, strewn among drywall debris.
Each missing dream was prayed for, fruitlessly,
upon a bed of mildewy decay,
through morning’s fog. Calls echoed every day
down bright halls filled with longing's sand, before
oblivion returned your image, gray
like storm clouds. With my name, you washed ashore.
I'll just second Bryn's comments, I like the edits, and it might be worthwhile to put it in present tense to give it more immediacy (although the last line would not sound as cool in present tense....at least to me) Having now read about the Dizain form, I am even more impressed
Thank you for the feedback! Putting the poem in present tense is definitely possible within the limits of the form but I feel like it would ruin the tone I'm trying to convey. bryn, I thought the full stop after decay would work perfectly but upon rereading a couple of times, I noticed it kinda changes what I was trying to say. As always I really appreciate the suggestions though keep em coming if possible.
(07-02-2023, 08:54 AM)Velasco Wrote: TqB and bryn,
Thank you for the feedback! Putting the poem in present tense is definitely possible within the limits of the form but I feel like it would ruin the tone I'm trying to convey. bryn, I thought the full stop after decay would work perfectly but upon rereading a couple of times, I noticed it kinda changes what I was trying to say. As always I really appreciate the suggestions though keep em coming if possible.
Take care,
Alex
Then I feel like this one is done! The two suggestions only come from leanings I get when reading it so definitely can be ignored.
Nice piece,
bryn
(07-02-2023, 08:54 AM)Velasco Wrote: TqB and bryn,
Thank you for the feedback! Putting the poem in present tense is definitely possible within the limits of the form but I feel like it would ruin the tone I'm trying to convey. bryn, I thought the full stop after decay would work perfectly but upon rereading a couple of times, I noticed it kinda changes what I was trying to say. As always I really appreciate the suggestions though keep em coming if possible.
Take care,
Alex
Then I feel like this one is done! The two suggestions only come from leanings I get when reading it so definitely can be ignored.
Nice piece,
bryn
I took the liberty of posting a third draft in an attempt to sharpen it a bit more. I hope the changes are welcome
(06-26-2023, 04:53 AM)alonso ramoran Wrote: The green rays caught in eons of sunsets
flared with a nameless ache. The sudden sea enclosed this home of only silhouettes from pictures strewn among drywall debris. This is an excellent rewrite. The previous version wasn't nearly as effective. Each missing dream was prayed for, uselessly, through dawn's fog, rank with the mildewed decay of sheets too large. Calls echoed every day ditto for this rewrite; "sheets too large" is a bit of a puzzle, but other than that, I like this much better
down bright halls filled with dead time's sand, before and this is better than "longing's sand"
oblivion returned your image, gray
like storm clouds. With my name, you washed ashore.
(06-26-2023, 04:53 AM)alonso ramoran Wrote: The green rays caught in eons of sunsets
flared with a nameless ache. The sudden sea enclosed this home of only silhouettes from pictures strewn among drywall debris. This is an excellent rewrite. The previous version wasn't nearly as effective. Each missing dream was prayed for, uselessly, through dawn's fog, rank with the mildewed decay of sheets too large. Calls echoed every day ditto for this rewrite; "sheets too large" is a bit of a puzzle, but other than that, I like this much better
down bright halls filled with dead time's sand, before and this is better than "longing's sand"
oblivion returned your image, gray
like storm clouds. With my name, you washed ashore.
As I said above, this is a great improvement. TqB
I'm glad you're enjoying the rewrites. I made some small changes to tighten up the poem a little more.
The green rays, caught in eons of sunsets,
flared with a nameless ache. The sudden sea
enclosed this ruin that warm silhouettes called home—their pictures in the roof's debris.really preferred the image of "this shelter of silhouettes" in 2nd draft, and I don't think "silhouettes" are improved by the adjective; also preferred the rest of the line as found in draft 2.
Each missing dream was prayed for, listlessly, preferred "fruitlessly" but I see why you would change it; if "fruitless" how could the "dream" return, as it seems to in the end
through bright fog, rank with the mildewed decay I like "bright fog" as opposed to "morning's fog" of sheets too large. Calls echoed every day those damn "sheets" again I'm just unclear whether you are speaking of literal sheets as in bed sheets or something else
down hallways filled with dead time's sand, before still unsatisfied with the modfiers before "sand", maybe some other phrase to fill out the dizain form, something in addition to sands, but leave "sands" unmodified
oblivion returned your image—gray
like storm clouds. With my name, you washed ashore.
Draft 2: Alcyone Remembers
The green rays caught in eons of sunsets
flared with a nameless ache. The sudden sea
enclosed this shelter of the silhouettes
in pictures, strewn among drywall debris.
Each missing dream was prayed for, fruitlessly,
upon a bed of mildewy decay,
through morning’s fog. Calls echoed every day
down bright halls filled with longing's sand, before
oblivion returned your image, gray
like storm clouds. With my name, you washed ashore.
Good morning Alonso,
For my own edification, I underlined the revisions from your second to third drafts. Overall, I really like the second draft better. I do like some of the changes. I'll try to explain above.
Distrust everything I've said. I'm pretty inept when it comes to critique. I like some words, dislike others, but that's all subjective, and it's your poem.
As Bryn suggested in another post, use my comments as data points to compare with what others say.
It's a very haunting (and haunted) poem, whatever version I read.
