Quietude

[busker]

Quietude

Maybe, night’s
quietude
is right for us.

Moonlight washes
through the glass,
bathes the grass of
memory’s city

Florentine. Lawns 
of the dead
in satin bedspreads.
Those also, who are here and gone,
time's odds and ends.
There you live, friend,
across in a villa from the park.

And afterwards,
when the moon weeps silently,
my longing knows 
no bounds for thee.

---

I have edited this poem a couple of times already. I think it's good in some places, but needs to come together better. Floating / arbitrary conjunctions etc abound right now. Thanks.

[TranquillityBase]

Quietude

Maybe, night’s
quietude
is right for us.       First stanza reads quite fine.

Moonlight washes    I can't read washes and glass together without seeing window cleaning, so another word choice for washes seems needed; pours, flows, cascades ? 
through the glass,
bathes the grass of
memory’s city            I like this phrase, but maybe an adjective could be added "memory's unforgettable city" (just an example, not a very good one)

Florentine. Lawns        is Florentine standing alone here, or (as lack of punctuation after "city" might imply) modifying "city"?
of the dead
in satin bedspreads.
Those also, who are here and gone,
time's odds and ends.          These lines also very fine.
There you live, friend,
across in a villa from the park.   in a villa across from the park (as in first version?) is less awkward.  Maybe an adjective before "villa" to give the reader more to define what you are seeing

And afterwards,  after what?
when the moon weeps silently,     "weeps silently" seems like an overused phrase; weeps wordlessly, quietly, endlessly?
my longing knows 
no bounds for thee.       This last stanza, like the first, is quite fine, my comments nothwithstanding

Good morning Busker,

This one has me a bit puzzled, though in spite of that, I enjoy reading it.  In toto, it reads as a coherent vision of loss and remembrance.  I hope others will post their interpretations.

TqB 

[Mark A Becker]

Hello busker-
Understanding that you have already been hard at work on this one, I will try to offer what I hope is helpful. I will only change one word, but will subtract many and re-arrange one line. That should let you know how this poem spoke to this reader.

Quietude  possibly a very brief definition of 'quietude' to avoid repeating the word right off the bat, or maybe make it the first word of the poem
is right for us.

Moonlight
bathes the grass of
memory

There you live, friend,
across from the park in a villa.

my longing knows
no bounds for you.  'thee' just seems too archaic

This is only one reader's view, and you know my tendency toward brevity. The parts that I left are the core of the poem, for me. That does not invalidate the surrounding details, it only offers my personal take on this one.

- Mark

[alonso ramoran]

busker,

I really enjoyed this piece! Thoughts below.

Quietude



Maybe, night’s
quietude perhaps change out quietude to another word to avoid repeating the title. It would give the narrator another chance to express what is quietude to them.
is right for us.

Moonlight washes
through the glass, I'm trying to understand the setting if moonlight is coming through presumably a window and touching grass. Unless "glass" is a metaphor for something in the sky?
bathes the grass of
memory’s city

Florentine. Lawns hmmm I'm missing something. Why Florentine and not Florence? Might "memory's city" be a reference to "Florentine" being a bygone name for the city of Florence? I do appreciate how you include the word in this stanza instead of the previous one. It reads nicely and calls attention to how it sounds.
of the dead
in satin bedspreads. beautiful image, but I feel like it contradicts the image of the moon weeping on grass. Or, it makes "moonlight" into 2 metaphors (which could mean 2 poems).
Those also, who are here and gone,
time's odds and ends. I'm not understanding the structure of this sentence. This is how I interpret it: "There are also those who are here yet gone, at time's odds and ends."
There you live, friend,
across in a villa from the park. the park and the villa read like metaphors for the present and the past or "those who are here and gone".
And afterwards,
when the moon weeps silently, I would compress into something like or better than the following: "And after the moon wept silently..."
my longing knows the poem's ending picks up on the weeping metaphor, which doesn't seem to allow space for the bedspreads metaphor. It pushes it into a separate poem.
no bounds for thee. I think "you" is fine. You were probably trying to lean into the cliche but I think it would be valid not to, because the poem itself has nice enough imagery being described in an interesting voice.

---

I have edited this poem a couple of times already. I think it's good in some places, but needs to come together better. Floating / arbitrary conjunctions etc abound right now. Thanks.

Thank you for sharing,
AR

[brynmawr1]

Quietude

Maybe, night’s
quietude               this first stanza is great
is right for us.

Moonlight washes
through the glass,
bathes the grass of
memory’s city

Florentine. Lawns 
of the dead
in satin bedspreads.
Those also, who are here and gone,
time's odds and ends.
There you live, friend,
across in a villa from the park.       this reads awkwardly for me.  missing some commas?

And afterwards,                 after.....something?
when the moon weeps silently,     I think weeping is already quiet and personal as opposed to sobbing and wailing
my longing knows 
no bounds for thee.

---

I have edited this poem a couple of times already. I think it's good in some places, but needs to come together better. Floating / arbitrary conjunctions etc abound right now. Thanks.

Hey Busker,
I feel like I always show my ignorance when I critique your poems, but here goes.  First, I think it reads well throughout.  However, from reading your other pieces, this feels like a historical reference I'm not getting.  "Florentine" seems the only really specific reference but doesn't do it for me.  If I'm not way off, this is where a different title might help.  My only other quibble is the rhyme.  It works and doesn't.  The most problematic example for me is in S3, friend creates the rhyme but could be cut and it would read a little better to my ear.  These are quibbling issues, but ones I think your ability can overcome.  Or, my opinion has a whiff of shit!
Always a pleasure,
steve

[rowens]

Maybe, night’s
quietude
is right for us.



The comma after Maybe is like a thought before.
Maybe . . . . and the rest is thoughts in process.



Moonlight washes
through the glass,
bathes the grass of
memory’s city


What is your self-criticism of this? There must be a motive.




Florentine. Lawns 
of the dead
in satin bedspreads.
Those also, who are here and gone,
time's odds and ends.
There you live, friend,
across in a villa from the park.


also?



And afterwards,

And and afterwards?


when the moon weeps silently,

when?

my longing knows 
no bounds for thee.

[O. M. Geezersnaps]

Hello. I have some thoughts. 

Quietude 

Maybe, night’s -- Perhaps leave 'maybe' on a line by itself? 
quietude
is right for us.  -- Has a mournful tone without sounding self-pitying. Sounds like the kind of calm that comes over someone when they surrender to something bigger than themselves. 

Moonlight washes
through the glass, 
bathes the grass of 
memory’s city -- Beautiful sounds. This comparison of moonlight to rain/tears is unique to me. There's something cleansing about this moon rain, watering the lawns of the dead, thus bringing new life, but also washing away memory. Sad and hopeful at the same time. This stanza is my favorite part. 

Florentine. Lawns 
of the dead
in satin bedspreads. -- Don't understand satin spreadsheets unless it's the sheen that the moonlight leaves on the grass. No matter, I like it anyway. This idea of the lush, healthy grass as the blanket of those that sleep is lovely. Reminds me of Keats' "Isabella, or the Pot of Basil."
Those also, who are here and gone,
time's odds and ends. -- I don't think this is a complete sentence. Definitely reads like an incomplete thought. 
There you live, friend, 
across in a villa from the park. -- Any particular reason you opted out of the more straightforward, "across from the park, in a villa"? Or even, "in a villa, across from a park." At any rate, this line would have more impact if you name the park and maybe a detail about why that's significant to the scene. No reason for it to walk directly across the stage and deliver no lines. 

And afterwards, -- Maybe I'm daft, but it's not clear to me what came before. The moonlight through the window already seemed like weeping, so I'm confused about the timeline. Seems to all be happening at once. Perhaps it's after thinking of the "friend"? You don't really need to have a timeline, you can just say, "tonight, the moon weeps silently" 
when the moon weeps silently, -- Could give the moon some more dimension here as well. It's been witness to much life and death, after all. It's obviously an extension of the main character -- perhaps it could whisper something. I understand that it all needs to be very hush-hush. 
my longing knows -- Nice line break here, because of course the longing can't truly know or accept, that's not in it's nature. This is the rebuttal to the title and where irony is acknowledged. 
no bounds for thee. -- I don't mind the old-timey language since it's Florence and all. City of the dead, as you seem to say. I think that the language is appropriate to the place. There's a little bit of grandiosity in labeling one's own love as one for all the ages, but who's to say it's not. This is a place of no bounds, after all...

---

I have edited this poem a couple of times already. I think it's good in some places, but needs to come together better. Floating / arbitrary conjunctions etc abound right now. Thanks.

There's a lot to like here. Hope this helps.

[busker]

Thanks for your thought provoking posts, folks.
I'll take a while to digest and get back on the next iteration, as several things have come up that chew away at my mental bandwidth.
This quick note is to show my appreciation for your crits.
Will see you soon.

[rowens]

Maybe, 

night’s
quietude
is right for us.


Maybe.
Maybe, night's quietude. 

Glassy moonlight
bathing the grass of memory.

Florentine lawns.
The dead in satin bedspreads.



Moonlight washes
through the glass,
bathes the grass of
memory’s city



Moonlight bathes the grass of memory.
Format it how you like. 





Florentine. Lawns 
of the dead
in satin bedspreads.
Those also, who are here and gone,
time's odds and ends.
There you live, friend,
across in a villa from the park.

In that same way, a simple and concise stripping down. Maybe an odd turn of phrase to heat some feeling. 



And afterwards,
when the moon weeps silently,
my longing knows 
no bounds for thee.