After his week away from home traveling West Texas calling on auto parts stores as far as the border my father sometimes brought me souvenirs from across the Rio Grande from Piedras Negras and Acuna:
a ceramic Aztec warrior, a bullwhip made in a Mexican prison and once, for my birthday, a ring.
It had plumes of gold lapping up around a green sapphire a lion engraved on its face.
“This,” he told me, “is the Conquering Lion of Judah, King Haile Selassie who fought Mussolini in the deserts of Ethiopia.”
Below the lion was the astrological sign for Leo. I knew this was no relicof his childhood. I gave it away as soon as I could to a long ago girlfriend.
I was a resentful teenager who blamed him for his ignorance. I was blind to its storied memory until after he was dead.
Now I treasure and regret that lost ring that I let go so thoughtlessly and quote to myself, “How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child.”
The Conquering Lion of Judah ver. 2
After a week away from home
my father often brought me souvenirs
from across the river
from Piedras Negras and Acuna:
a ceramic Aztec warrior,
a bullwhip made in a Mexican prison
and once, for my birthday, a ring.
It had plumes of gold
surrounding a green sapphire
a lion engraved on its face.
He said,
“It’s the Conquering Lion of Judah,
King Haile Selassie
who stood up to Mussolini
in the deserts of Ethiopia
a hero from my childhood.”
Below the lion was
the astrological sign for Leo.
I didn’t feel like disappointing him,
but I never wore the ring.
The Conquering Lion of Judah ver. 1
When he got home late
every Thursday night
from Eagle Pass and Del Rio
after a week away from home
my father often brought me souvenirs
from across the river
from Piedras Negras and Acuna:
a ceramic Aztec warrior,
a bullwhip made, he said, in a Mexican prison
and once, for my birthday, a ring.
It had plumes of thick gold
surrounding a square green sapphire
engraved on its face
a gold lion and the sign for Leo.
I told him impatiently, I’m a Virgo
and he said, No, it’s the Conquering Lion of Judah.
.
Hi Tim,
I like the scene/idea, but that last verse is all tell and really doesn't deliver.
after a week away
my father often brought souvenirs
home from across the river
from Piedras Negras , from Acuna:
a ceramic Aztec warrior,
a nine foot bullwhip, he said, ................................ wonder if maybe you could cut 'he said' - makes me doubt what he says about the ring made in a Mexican prison........................................later - and describe the whip a bit more?
and, for my birthday, a ring
with plumes of thick gold
surrounding a green square sapphire
and engraved on its face
a gold lion and the sign for Leo. ..............The repetion of 'gold' the use of 'lion' and 'sign for Leo' - anything better?
he said, it’s the Conquering Lion
of Judah. which stands for Haile Selassie,
the King who stood up to Mussolini
in the deserts of Ethiopia,
He was my childhood hero. I was too young to accept his error and blamed him for it blind to what the lion offered him
(07-08-2023, 12:33 AM)Knot Wrote: .
Hi Tim,
I like the scene/idea, but that last verse is all tell and really doesn't deliver.
after a week away
my father often brought souvenirs
home from across the river
from Piedras Negras , from Acuna:
a ceramic Aztec warrior,
a nine foot bullwhip, he said, ................................ wonder if maybe you could cut 'he said' - makes me doubt what he says about the ring made in a Mexican prison........................................later - and describe the whip a bit more?
and, for my birthday, a ring
with plumes of thick gold
surrounding a green square sapphire
and engraved on its face
a gold lion and the sign for Leo. ..............The repetion of 'gold' the use of 'lion' and 'sign for Leo' - anything better?
he said, it’s the Conquering Lion
of Judah. which stands for Haile Selassie,
the King who stood up to Mussolini
in the deserts of Ethiopia,
He was my childhood hero. I was too young to accept his error and blamed him for it blind to what the lion offered him
and to what he was trying so hard to offer to me.
Best, Knot
Thanks Knot. I gave it another shot. Still ends with a bit of telling. I struggled to find a way to only show, but I just could not find it.
(07-06-2023, 07:26 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: The Conquering Lion of Judah
After a week away from home my father often brought me souvenirs from across the river from Piedras Negras and Acuna:
a ceramic Aztec warrior, a bullwhip made in a Mexican prison since these items are mentioned, i wish they held more weight within the poem. but they're mentioned once and not even alluded to afterward. what is the importance of these things in addition to the ring? and once, for my birthday, a ring.
It had plumes of gold "plumes" is interesting word choice. it might just be this reader but im not clear on what exactly this is supposed to look like surrounding a green sapphire a lion engraved on its face.
He said, “It’s the Conquering Lion of Judah, King Haile Selassie who stood up to Mussolini in the deserts of Ethiopia a hero from my childhood.”
Below the lion was the astrological sign for Leo. so i know in the previous version the N doesn't wanna wear the ring because their sign is a virgo. are there any details you could add to the poem that hints at this? I didn’t feel like disappointing him, but I never wore the ring. the ending feels a little flat here. instead, could you tell me where the ring is currently kept in its state of never being worn?
The Conquering Lion of Judah
When he got home late
every Thursday night
from Eagle Pass and Del Rio
after a week away from home
my father often brought me souvenirs
from across the river
from Piedras Negras and Acuna:
a ceramic Aztec warrior,
a bullwhip made, he said, in a Mexican prison
and once, for my birthday, a ring.
It had plumes of thick gold
surrounding a square green sapphire
engraved on its face
a gold lion and the sign for Leo.
I told him impatiently, I’m a Virgo
and he said, No, it’s the Conquering Lion of Judah.
It stands for King Haile Selassie
the one who stood up to Mussolini
in the deserts of Ethiopia,
hero of his childhood.
I was too young to accept his error
and blamed him for it
blind to what the lion offered him
and to what he was trying so hard
to offer to me.
Maybe you could play more with the astrology references since they come a little late in this poem without warning, or not; as of now the poem feels a little dry, so I think it just needs something extra to counter its telling.
I don't think the revision is particularly successful.
After a week away from home
my father often brought me souvenirs. ............ 'a week' (singular) then 'often' (plural)
a ceramic Aztec warrior,
a bullwhip made in a Mexican prison
and once, for my birthday, a ring. ................... I agree with Alonso, a bit more detail here wouldn't go amiss. Even just something as basic as colour.
It had plumes of gold .................................... I don't think you need 'it had' - it's clearly a description of the ring just mentioned.
surrounding a green sapphire
a lion engraved on its face. ................ why not 'a great wild cat/beast' instead of the soon to be repeated 'lion'?
He said, .............................................It's very uninformative. Something like,
"This," he told me as I hesitated.
"Is the Conquering ... " ?
King Haile Selassie
who stood up to Mussolini
in the deserts of Ethiopia
a hero from my childhood.”
Below the lion was
the astrological sign for Leo. .................. Since you cut the 'Virgo' reference, this makes no sense.
I didn’t feel like disappointing him,
but I never wore the ring. .......................The ending doesn't land. And there's no sense of
blind to what the lion offered him
and to what he was trying so hard
to offer to me.
Which seemed to be the thrust of the original.
Granted this isn't much better but, as a direction ...
I've revised it. I may have over elaborated (not sure I should have added his father's death, but it just came out as I was revising), and I guess I cheated a bit, throwing in that last line from Shakespeare.
the revision just adds more explanations, more telling (and the Shakespeare is too heavy handed, for me.)
I think his father death is a separate poem (and one I'd be interested to read)
After his weeks away from home ............ 'after' is redundant.
traveling West Texas
calling on auto parts stores as far as the border ........... I like the addition of WT and the /auto parts stores/, but what does 'calling on' mean?
my father sometimes brought me souvenirs ........... again 'me' is redundant (it's clear from the context.)
from across the river
from Piedras Negras and Acuna: .................... this is confusing for me, now. I don't know the local geography so can't tell what 'across the river' refers to. If it is, as I assumed, the border, then what does 'as far as the border' mean? And what's the significance of crossing it to buy souveniers.
Just a thought ...
His work took him away
weeks travelling West Texas
from one auto parts store
to the next ...... (you could even list a few place names here, sketch his route)
(Did he like his job? Or did he get lonely?)
But he'd always return
his tank, almost empty,
but with gifts, in the glove box
or on the back seat, souveniers
from across the river
from Piedras Negras and Acuna:
a brightly painted ceramic
Aztec warrior, a bullwhip
made in a Mexican prison
black as dried blood
and once, for my (what age?) birthday,
a garish ring. ...........................(garish is telegraphing)
“This,” he told me,
“Is the Conquering Lion of Judah,
King Haile Selassie
who fought Mussolini in the deserts of Ethiopia.” ........... very curious as to how such a ring might turn up in Mexico.
I had forgotten about it
even before he returned to the road
to (and add a few more place names here)
...
I wonder if this would prove sufficient (at least until the right ending turns up?) It sets up the hard working dad, the less than grateful son, but doesn't then go on to belabour the second point
