One-way Ticket (new title) final...

[brynmawr1]

The low whistle
of the early train 
leaving wakes me
 
on the hard side
of dreaming for
sounds of return.
 
Under porch shadows
a dog's begging
to be let back in.
 
Covers tugged
to my chin, I listen
as doves barter for love.
 
My feet search
the chill settling
each for the other.

---

I'm calling it!  We've all spent too much time on this one.  Though I really appreciate everyone's efforts and I like the result.  Thanks.
Bryn

The low whistle
of the early train 
leaving me awake
 
on the hard side
of dreaming for
the sound of return.
 
Down in the valley
a dog barks
to be let back in.
 
Covers tugged
to my chin, I listen
to birds barter for love.
 
My feet searching
the chill settle
each for the other.

It’s cold here
but it shouldn't be
in mid-May.
 
The low whistle
of the early train leaving
wakes me in the dim light.

In the distance
a dog cries begging
to be let back in.
 
Covers tugged tight
to my chin, I listen
to birds barter for love.
 
My feet searching
the chill only to settle
each for the other.

Twenty-five years
it would have been
mid-May.

It’s cold here
and it shouldn’t be
in mid-May.
 
The first bird chitters
my defeated sleep
in the dim light.
The grey before dawn
 
builds the chorus one by one
calling for the rising sun
to bring a day I don’t want begun.
 
Covers tugged tight
to my chin, I listen
to birds barter for love.
 
My feet search within
the empty chill having to settle
each for the other.

It’s cold here
and it shouldn’t be
in mid-May.
 
The first bird chitters
a defeated sleep
in the dim light.
The grey before dawn
 
builds the chorus one by one
calling for the rising sun
to bring a day I don’t want begun.
 
Covers tugged tight
to my chin, I listen
to birds barter for love.
 
My feet search within
the chill only to settle
each for the other.
 
It’s cold here.
It didn’t used to be
in mid-May.

[TranquillityBase]

It’s cold here
and it shouldn’t be
in mid-May.
 
The first bird chitters
a defeated sleep                defeating sleep (?)
in the dim light.
The grey before dawn
 
builds the chorus one by one
calling for the rising sun
to bring a day I don’t want begun.
 
Covers tugged tight
to my chin, I listen
to birds barter for love.       my favorite line
 
My feet search within
the chill only to settle
each for the other.
 
It’s cold here.
It didn’t used to be
in mid-May.                  not sure this final repetition adds much.  ending with previous stanza seems like a good idea to me.

Hi Bryn,

Only a couple of suggestions.  Original sounds like bird is defeating its sleep, whereas I assume you are referring to the sleeper.

I like Unseasonable as a title.

TqB

[brynmawr1]

It’s cold here
and it shouldn’t be
in mid-May.
 
The first bird chitters
a defeated sleep                defeating sleep (?)
in the dim light.
The grey before dawn
 
builds the chorus one by one
calling for the rising sun
to bring a day I don’t want begun.
 
Covers tugged tight
to my chin, I listen
to birds barter for love.       my favorite line
 
My feet search within
the chill only to settle
each for the other.
 
It’s cold here.
It didn’t used to be
in mid-May.                  not sure this final repetition adds much.  ending with previous stanza seems like a good idea to me.

Hi Bryn,

Only a couple of suggestions.  Original sounds like bird is defeating its sleep, whereas I assume you are referring to the sleeper.

I like Unseasonable as a title.

TqB

I agree about the last stanza.  I was hoping to have a little more reveal but it's kind of blah.
Thanks,
bryn

[Knot]

.
Hi Bryn.
S3 and S4 work particularly well, not sure about the rest.
Perhaps


Unseasonable


Covers tugged tight
to my chin, I listen
to birds barter for love.

My feet search(ing?) within
the empty chill settle
each for the other.

It’s cold here
in mid-May.
and it shouldn’t be


?


Best, Knot


.

[brynmawr1]

.
Hi Bryn.
S3 and S4 work particularly well, not sure about the rest.
Perhaps


Unseasonable


Covers tugged tight
to my chin, I listen
to birds barter for love.

My feet search(ing?) within
the empty chill settle
each for the other.

It’s cold here
in mid-May.
and it shouldn’t be


?


Best, Knot


.

Hi Knot,
I like the move of S1 to the end.  I feel there isn't enough context without the earlier bits.  Maybe just better writing?
Thanks for commenting
bryn

[Knot]

.
Hi Bryn.
I like both the new additions, but they do feel rather similar (each featuring a 'lonesome' sound.)
Not keen on your new ending. Where do the 'twenty-five years' come from?


The low whistle
of an early train
leaving wakes me .......................... (early gives 'dim light')

In the distance ...............................(maybe something a bit different? Three streets over ?)
a dog's begging ..............................(begging evokes 'cries')
to be let back in.

Searching the chill
my feet settle
each for the other.

It’s cold here
but it shouldn't be
in mid-May.


Best, Knot

.

[TranquillityBase]

It’s cold here
but it shouldn't be
in mid-May.
 
The low whistle
of the early train leaving
wakes me in the dim light.

In the distance                       Somewhere (?)
a dog cries begging
to be let back in.
 
Covers tugged tight
to my chin, I listen
to birds barter for love.
 
My feet searching
the chill only to settle
each for the other.

Twenty-five years
it would have been
mid-May.

Bryn,
Like this edit, you've added some nice detail.  I do feel like maybe there should be another stanza, just before the ending stanza.  I'm not sure what I want it to say exactly, but I want one more hint about why those feet are alone in bed, or what else is happening to the narrator.
TqB

[brynmawr1]

.
Hi Bryn.
I like both the new additions, but they do feel rather similar (each featuring a 'lonesome' sound.)
Not keen on your new ending. Where do the 'twenty-five years' come from?


The low whistle
of an early train
leaving wakes me .......................... (early gives 'dim light')

In the distance ...............................(maybe something a bit different? Three streets over ?)   It is vague, mulling....
a dog's begging ..............................(begging evokes 'cries')
to be let back in.

Searching the chill
my feet settle
each for the other.

It’s cold here
but it shouldn't be
in mid-May.


Best, Knot

.

Thanks for additional comments.  I noted that you cut the 'barter for love' stanza, ouch!  I still feel like the poem lacks a context for the reader to relate to, or am I over thinking?
The 25 yrs  was an attempt to provide some of that context but wasn't set up very well.
Thanks again,
Bryn

PS You've made two comments.  That buys you two poems to post.  Cash in?

---

It’s cold here
but it shouldn't be
in mid-May.
 
The low whistle
of the early train leaving
wakes me in the dim light.

In the distance                       Somewhere (?)
a dog cries begging
to be let back in.
 
Covers tugged tight
to my chin, I listen
to birds barter for love.
 
My feet searching
the chill only to settle
each for the other.

Twenty-five years
it would have been
mid-May.

Bryn,
Like this edit, you've added some nice detail.  I do feel like maybe there should be another stanza, just before the ending stanza.  I'm not sure what I want it to say exactly, but I want one more hint about why those feet are alone in bed, or what else is happening to the narrator.
TqB

Hey,
Glad you like the new stuff but I'm not sure they advance the poem much as i agree there needs to be more hints.  Thanks for coming back and letting me think out loud, as it were.
bryn

[busker]

I find the series of brief images very compelling. Especially the dog.
I love the cleverness of each foot settling for the other, an ironic take on the coupling / mating theme.
That's the high point of the poem for me.

I don't think you need to end it with a reference back to the opening. At least in the current form, it doesn't add much to the poem IMO

[Knot]

I noted that you cut the 'barter for love' stanza, ouch!

Oops. My bad. Nothing wrong with that stanza (and its omission wasn't intentional.)

The birds set up the feet, you really don't need that last verse, and, if you'll allow, the reader will bring their own context (so yes, I think you are overthinking ).


Best, Knot


.

[brynmawr1]

I don't think you need to end it with a reference back to the opening. At least in the current form, it doesn't add much to the poem IMO
[/quote]

This seems to be the consensus.  Made some other changes.
thanks for reading and commenting.
bryn

---

I noted that you cut the 'barter for love' stanza, ouch!

Oops. My bad. Nothing wrong with that stanza (and its omission wasn't intentional.)

The birds set up the feet, you really don't need that last verse, and, if you'll allow, the reader will bring their own context (so yes, I think you are overthinking ).


Best, Knot


.

Good, cause that is one of my favorites!  Made some additional changes and thinking of cutting all the 'it's cold here stuff' and letting the reader fill in the gaps in their own way.
thanks for your help.
Bryn

[rowens]

Listen to birds' love-barter.

Why? Clever.

What other reasons? Sound?
Some other subtle connection from above?




The low whistle
of the early train 
leaving wakes me
 
on the hard side
of dreaming for
the sound of return.
 


The placement of the two "-ing" words in the lines, the word "hard", and "the sound of return" have poetic significance.
Subliminally. 
 



Down in the valley
a dog barks
to be let back in.
 
Covers tugged tight
to my chin, I listen
to birds barter for love.


Take out "tight", and the "barter for love" sounds fine as it is. 
sonically

---

Sonically and Tactilely. Feelingly

[TranquillityBase]

The low whistle
of the early train 
leaving wakes me         I'd suggest moving "leaving" to end of second line; to me it reads awkwardly dropped to third
 
on the hard side
of dreaming for
the sound of return.    very nice touch
 
Down in the valley
a dog barks
to be let back in.
 
Covers tugged tight
to my chin, I listen
to birds barter for love.
 
My feet searching
the chill settle
each for the other.
 
It’s cold here.
It shouldn’t be
in mid-May.

---

I'm starting to think the last stanza isn't needed either.   I think you're right.

[brynmawr1]

Listen to birds' love-barter.        It is interesting.  I've always shied away from making 'hyphen nouns' for some reason.

Why? Clever.

What other reasons? Sound?
Some other subtle connection from above?




The low whistle
of the early train 
leaving wakes me
 
on the hard side
of dreaming for
the sound of return.
 


The placement of the two "-ing" words in the lines, the word "hard", and "the sound of return" have poetic significance.
Subliminally.                    the '-ing's were intentional, the rest subliminal for me, too.
 



Down in the valley
a dog barks
to be let back in.
 
Covers tugged tight
to my chin, I listen
to birds barter for love.


Take out "tight", and the "barter for love" sounds fine as it is. 
sonically

---

Sonically and Tactilely. Feelingly

Hi Rowens
Thanks for reading and commenting.
bryn

---

The low whistle
of the early train 
leaving wakes me         I'd suggest moving "leaving" to end of second line; to me it reads awkwardly dropped to third  yes, trying to keep line lengths similar. posted possible fix above.
 
on the hard side
of dreaming for
the sound of return.    very nice touch
 
Down in the valley
a dog barks
to be let back in.
 
Covers tugged tight
to my chin, I listen
to birds barter for love.
 
My feet searching
the chill settle
each for the other.
 
It’s cold here.
It shouldn’t be
in mid-May.

---

I'm starting to think the last stanza isn't needed either.   I think you're right.

Thanks again.

[Knot]

.
Hi Bryn.

Not keen on the changes (except for the removal of the final stanza.)
- I liked that it was a train leaving that awakened the sleeper (not one arriving)
Also, 'leaving wakes me' has more implications that 'leaving me awake'
- the new S2 seems unnecessary, over-explaining again
- 'valley' is a bit generic (and what is it adding?)
- 'barking to be let back in' changes the tone of this verse
- would have preferred 'tight' to 'tugged'.

Best, Knot

.

[TranquillityBase]

The low whistle
of the early train 
leaving me awake
 
on the hard side
of dreaming for
the sound of return.
 
Down in the valley
a dog barks
to be let back in.
 
Covers tugged
to my chin, I listen
to birds barter for love.
 
My feet searching
the chill settle
each for the other.

Hi Bryn,

To this reader, this reads and feels like the finished product.  You came a long way on this one!  I suppose more could be added, but the essential is all there.  those first two stanzas are superb.

thanks for the read.

TqB

[rowens]

Covers tugged
to my chin, I listen
to birds barter for love.

                      
Covers tugged
to my chin, I listen
to birds barter for love,
 





My feet searching
the chill settle
each for the other.



my feet searching
the chill, settle
each for the other. 



,    ;     :   

?



Though you could keep the . and the My, and see about the , after chill. 

Though leaving the , out, as you have, can create a poetic link between chill, settle and feet. Even searching. 

[brynmawr1]

Covers tugged
to my chin, I listen
to birds barter for love.

                      
Covers tugged
to my chin, I listen
to birds barter for love,
 





My feet searching
the chill settle
each for the other.



my feet searching
the chill, settle
each for the other. 



,    ;     :   

?



Though you could keep the . and the My, and see about the , after chill. 

Though leaving the , out, as you have, can create a poetic link between chill, settle and feet. Even searching. 

Or how about going in a different direction with

my feet searching
the chill never
willing to settle
each for the other.

?

---

.
Hi Bryn.

Not keen on the changes (except for the removal of the final stanza.) Hmmm....I was hoping
- I liked that it was a train leaving that awakened the sleeper (not one arriving)  I was trying to suggest the narrator woke from a leaving train hoping it was a returning train.
Also, 'leaving wakes me' has more implications that 'leaving me awake'  yes, I am considering changing back
- the new S2 seems unnecessary, over-explaining again
- 'valley' is a bit generic (and what is it adding?) More of an image than 'in the distance' also considered 'From backyard shadows'
- 'barking to be let back in' changes the tone of this verse maybe whines but begs does fit tone better
- would have preferred 'tight' to 'tugged'.     went with tugged because more active than descriptive and implies 'tight' and rowens suggest!

Best, Knot

.

Hey Knot,
Thank you for all of your time and suggestions. You've helped a great deal.  Working through it.
bryn

---

The low whistle
of the early train 
leaving me awake
 
on the hard side
of dreaming for
the sound of return.
 
Down in the valley
a dog barks
to be let back in.
 
Covers tugged
to my chin, I listen
to birds barter for love.
 
My feet searching
the chill settle
each for the other.

Hi Bryn,

To this reader, this reads and feels like the finished product.  You came a long way on this one!  I suppose more could be added, but the essential is all there.  those first two stanzas are superb.

thanks for the read.

TqB

Thank TqB.  I feel it's close too.  Not sure the title make sense anymore, though.  I proposed a different ending in a reply to rowens.  What do you think?
Thanks for your continued input.
Bryn

[rowens]

The new stanza is saying more with words. Use punctuation.

---

You weren't talking to me. Talking to individuals in the way you perceive what they are saying.

The question was posed to TranqltyBase.

The line of essence through his poetics.
aka Judgement.

That kind of pigeon-view is the way poetry works. Through Individual views.

The tunnel-view is for tantric big shovel-loaves.


My feet searching
through chill settle
each for the other.


It's not about what you're saying. It's not exactly how. It's words grasping the context of the squeeze or widehurt, you know.

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey Bryn. Been following this for awhile. I agree with TB that this one feels finished. I only wonder about one bit below...

The low whistle
of the early train 
leaving me awake
 
on the hard side
of dreaming for
the sound of return.
 
Down in the valley
a dog barks
to be let back in.
 
Covers tugged
to my chin, I listen
to birds barter for love.
 
My feet searching     I want this to be "search" rather than "searching." Both for tense consistency and sentence 
the chill, settling       [b]fragment.[/b]
each for the other.

It’s cold here
but it shouldn't be
in mid-May.
 
The low whistle
of the early train leaving
wakes me in the dim light.

In the distance
a dog cries begging
to be let back in.
 
Covers tugged tight
to my chin, I listen
to birds barter for love.
 
My feet searching
the chill only to settle
each for the other.

Twenty-five years
it would have been
mid-May.

It’s cold here
and it shouldn’t be
in mid-May.
 
The first bird chitters
my defeated sleep
in the dim light.
The grey before dawn
 
builds the chorus one by one
calling for the rising sun
to bring a day I don’t want begun.
 
Covers tugged tight
to my chin, I listen
to birds barter for love.
 
My feet search within
the empty chill having to settle
each for the other.

It’s cold here
and it shouldn’t be
in mid-May.
 
The first bird chitters
a defeated sleep
in the dim light.
The grey before dawn
 
builds the chorus one by one
calling for the rising sun
to bring a day I don’t want begun.
 
Covers tugged tight
to my chin, I listen
to birds barter for love.
 
My feet search within
the chill only to settle
each for the other.
 
It’s cold here.
It didn’t used to be
in mid-May.