Route Log

[Bunx]

When you work alone
in a cago van.
Thoughts keep you company.
Reflecting, rarely a friend.

I'd rather think band names
and play-off games.
Then I think of the impact
my life will have.

After a stop on my route,
Debating a memory of consequences.
Madness works in cycles,
Strengthened by subjective history.

Pulling up parallel the alley,
Done delivering across the valley.
Feeling like I woke from a dream.
Pondering something.

Repetition within a song,
can sound beautiful.
My favorite choruses,
are universally true.

Without a truth reflecting love.
Melancholy melodies that keep you stuck.
Never growing past the route.

[brynmawr1]

When you work alone                  don''t need comma
in a cago van,                         comma here
thoughts keep you company,
reflecting is rarely a friend.

I'd rather think of band names,
and play-off games.
Then I think of the impact
my life will have.

After a stop on my route,
Pondering actions, synthesized reactions.
Cyclical how I'm mad how how world,
mimics my own patterns.

Too bad there is already,
a tune called Mad World.
Figures of Speech,
Maybe a good band name?

Pulling up parallel the alley,
Done delivering across the valley.
Feeling like I woke from a dream.
Pondering something.

Repetition with a song,
can sound beautiful.
My favorite choruses,
are universally true.

It's a very a mad world,
where love lives too.

Hi Brux,
You posted in misc so I won't get too detailed.  I like the sentiment of what the narrator is saying.  The first two stanzas are strong and coherent but then it seems to drift a bit for me.  I still see the thread but it gets murky.  Just as a technical note, the punctuation is off in several place in my opinion.  One example is the last two lines in S6.  That is a complete sentence and not two phrases.  It's a nice poem with a voice, just needs some tweaking I think.
take care,
bryn

[Bunx]

Hey Bryn!
Thanks aton of the honest feedback.
I reworked alot of the poem hoping to
Tighten it up and hone in that sentiment.

Hope you like revision and hope you have a solid weekend