Your Body And Mine

[Loveblind]

Across the room
I notice the clarity
In your eyes
Yearning for my
Body wrapped
In your presence

Gently you take
Me by the hand
To the center of
The dance floor
Lights dimmed low
But a disco ball
Shoning above us

Swiftly we move
Our body to the
Rhythm
dancing with grace
With each melody
And high note that’s hit
We move a little more
Passionately

All eyes on us
Whispers echo out
Through the room
To us, no one is there
But us two

[billy]

Across the room
I notice the clarity ...clarity doesn't feel like the right word for me
In your eyes
Yearning for my
Body wrapped ......body to be wrapped. how about an image
In your presence

Gently you take
Me by the hand
To the center of
The dance floor
Lights dimmed low
But a disco ball ............no need for but
Shoning above us....shining

Swiftly we move
Our body to the
Rhythm
dancing with grace
With each melody
And high note that’s hit
We move a little more
Passionately

All eyes on us
Whispers echo out
Through the room
To us, no one is there
But us two.......no need for two, unless you're line dancing just us

the 2nd verse definitely needs a good image LB.

Swiftly we move
Our body to the
Rhythm ....cliche

dancing with grace....cliche.

for me it need some atmosphere LB,

you have a good poem ready to break out. a small edit is the key.

thanks for the read as always

almost forgot. for me when you use all caps at the start of a sentence it looks and feels a little clunky

[addy]

Just a quick runthrough LB . Will skip the comments billy made

Across the room
I notice the clarity
In your eyes
Yearning for my
Body wrapped
In your presence Maybe just my own opinion, so you can ignore this, but I'd like a sense of whether you know this person, or if he's a stranger to you

Gently you take
Me by the hand I think it would be better if you add a line or two about this other person actually crossing the room to get to you. The jump from across the room to taking your hand took me out of the scene
To the center of
The dance floor
Lights dimmed low
But a disco ball
Shoning above us

Swiftly we move
Our body to the
Rhythm
dancing with grace "dancing with grace" is not an important detail, imo. The entire stanza is all about you guys being lost in the moment. The meaning is about passion, not how well you were dancing imo
With each melody
And high note that’s hit
We move a little more
Passionately

All eyes on us
Whispers echo out
Through the room
To us, no one is there
But us two "us" seems repetitive

Agree with billy, this will be great once its polished up.

[wunderkind]

Hi LB. For me, this does need a little more work. Most of the images used are things we've seen or read about before...

It's interesting how you put the scene in the last stanza together. You know, spectators watching the couple, remarking on the scene, but the couple not noticing them at all. With a little work, the contrast and beauty of it will emerge. I'm sure you can figure out how to do it