Feral Daybreak

[TranquillityBase]

Sunrise waits for the nameless
their fire subsides to trembling embers
breathing softly in a fatal breeze.

The nameless have everything to say
as though speech were salvation
and heaven a fire of imprecations

against silence, twice told, implacable.
They bark into the north wind,
hewn voices of alarm cut lengthwise

to build a wall against the unnameable.
Maledictions fill the void of their sainthood
with the carelessness of wanton touch.

Inside their invisible identities
they swarm with meanings that scar
their faces to repel each definition

and lay down with the lion of morning.

[rowens]

Sunrise waits for the nameless,
their fire subsides to trembling embers

adjectives are sometimes giving too much of themselves



breathing softly in a fatal breeze.

The nameless have everything to say
as though speech were salvation
and heaven, a fire of imprecations

against silence, twice told, implacable.
They Bark into the north wind,


Why I crossed out in instead of to is worth my while, maybe not you's


hewn voices, of alarms cut lengthwise

to build a wall against the unnameable.
Maledictions fill the void of their sainthood
with the carelessness of wanton touch.



I'll stop there, you get my drift


Inside their invisible identities
they swarm with meanings that scar
their faces to repel each definition

and lay down with the lion of morning.

[Miley]

I dig the sounds/images of this, how elemental it is... I don't really understand it or come to much meaning, I did try to read it carefully but it ends up feeling like a riddle. I do feel some of the images. The tone is like heavy metal album cover. I really do like the last line, and the title. The coming of the day as the wildness of some animal? Real originall/evokative. Wind, fire, void... the lion! Makes think of a pre-rational mind and a time where the elements were a little harder to ignore. I'm totally lost on the nameless, haha. Thanks for sharing! 

Sunrise waits for the nameless
their fire subsides to trembling embers
breathing softly in a fatal breeze.

The nameless have everything to say
as though speech were salvation
and heaven a fire of imprecations

against silence, twice told, implacable.
They bark into the north wind,
hewn voices of alarm cut lengthwise

to build a wall against the unnameable.
Maledictions fill the void of their sainthood
with the carelessness of wanton touch.

Inside their invisible identities
they swarm with meanings that scar
their faces to repel each definition

and lay down with the lion of morning.

[Mark A Becker]

Hi Tim-
This poem strikes me as commentary on the "nameless" users of the internet who troll or otherwise vent their anger, knowing that no one will know who they are, hiding behind their anonymity. As usual,, I've subtracted in areas that seem to go overboard:


Sunrise waits for the nameless
as their fire subsides.

They have everything to say
as though speech were salvation

against silence, they bark
into the north wind,

fill the void
with carelessness.

Inside their invisible identities
they swarm with meanings

and lay down
with the lion of morning.

[TranquillityBase]

Sunrise waits for the nameless,
fire subsides to embers
breathing softly in the breeze.

The nameless have everything to say
as though speech were a fire 
against silence.

Barking into the north wind,
to warn against the unnameable.

Maledictions fill the void 
with touch.

Inside their identities
they swarm with meanings 
that scar their faces 
to repel each definition

and lay down 
with the lion of morning.

I followed your drift and ended up with this.  Yes, I did a workshop once and the teacher suggested eliminating all adjectives during editing.

[rowens]

Not all adjectives.

---

Editing or not.

[TranquillityBase]

I dig the sounds/images of this, how elemental it is... I don't really understand it or come to much meaning, I did try to read it carefully but it ends up feeling like a riddle. I do feel some of the images. The tone is like heavy metal album cover. I really do like the last line, and the title. The coming of the day as the wildness of some animal? Real originall/evokative. Wind, fire, void... the lion! Makes think of a pre-rational mind and a time where the elements were a little harder to ignore. I'm totally lost on the nameless, haha. Thanks for sharing! 

Thanks for giving it a read.  It's funny that you call it a riddle (and you're right), because I hate riddles.  I'm ambivalent about the whole "understanding the meaning" thing.  But I guess it should mean something that the reader can take away with them.  This is one where I just started with a first line and built from there and didn't trouble myself too much with a definite meaning, though I did try to create a narrative.  

If I was thinking of anything, it was sort of a prehistoric atmosphere.  But I was pulling most of it out of my unconcious (some might say, my a**) 

---

Hi Tim-
This poem strikes me as commentary on the "nameless" users of the internet who troll or otherwise vent their anger, knowing that no one will know who they are, hiding behind their anonymity. As usual,, I've subtracted in areas that seem to go overboard:


Sunrise waits for the nameless
as their fire subsides.

They have everything to say
as though speech were salvation

against silence, they bark
into the north wind,

fill the void
with carelessness.

Inside their invisible identities
they swarm with meanings

and lay down
with the lion of morning.

Thanks for the critique Mark.  Not what I was going for, but, honestly, I had no meaning in mind.  Do you think that's a legitimate method?  I really enjoy just starting with a line and letting my unconscious take over.  I try to establish a narrative, but sometimes (actually, often) meaning is secondary for me.

Tim

[brynmawr1]

Sunrise waits for the nameless
their fire subsides to trembling embers   subsiding
breathing softly in a fatal breeze.

The nameless have everything to say
as though speech were salvation, speech as slavation   
and heaven a fire of imprecations

against silence, twice told, implacable.
They bark into the north wind,
hewn voices of alarm cut lengthwise   voices hewn

to build a wall against the unnameable.    unnamed
Maledictions fill the void of their sainthood
with the carelessness of wanton touch.

Inside their invisible identities
they swarm with meanings that scar   to
their faces to repel each definition

and lay down with the lion of morning.

Hey,
sorry took so long to comment.  Made some suggestions above.  I like your freeform result.
bryn

[Ikki777]

Proper into the intensity and heavy, fiery imagerms with the surrounding nothingness. All this bright fire screamed into the void or the wind, lovely other worldly feel

to build a wall against the unnameable.
Maledictions fill the void of their sainthood
with the carelessness of wanton touch.

Would like to know about this verse

[Bunx]

nothing to critical, sounds like some mindful sentimentalism. love the poem the power to inspired
you dont need to say yout name to open someones ideas awesome

[crow]

Please post your revisions as a new draft.

---

Specifically, title it “Feral Daybreak v2”

Then include the title in the body of the post like this:
—————
“Feral Daybreak”

Sunrise waits for the nameless,
fire subsides to embers
breathing softly in the breeze.

The nameless have everything to say
as though speech were a fire
against silence.

Barking into the north wind,
to warn against the unnameable.

Maledictions fill the void
with touch.

Inside their identities
they swarm with meanings
that scar their faces
to repel each definition

and lay down
with the lion of morning.
—————

[SpruceMoose]

Sunrise waits for the nameless,
fire subsides to embers
breathing softly in the breeze.

The nameless have everything to say
as though speech were a fire 
against silence.

Barking into the north wind,
to warn against the unnameable.

Maledictions fill the void 
with touch.

Inside their identities
they swarm with meanings 
that scar their faces 
to repel each definition

and lay down 
with the lion of morning.

I followed your drift and ended up with this.  Yes, I did a workshop once and the teacher suggested eliminating all adjectives during editing.

This is a much easier read than the original draft.  It gives me the sense of who "they" could be... generally could be a restless entity but the closing lines suggest they rest when the "sun" comes up? I'm picking up religious references.  I may be off base.