Semi

[Semicircle]

No more
than empty–
emptiness pulsates the center star

Hand in hand silence,
silent dreams 

Frozen cotton
to the void–



Romance
and pessimism,

hand in hand;

emptiness pulsates
the center star

 No more whole

than empty–

pulsating in the center star



Hand in hand silence,

eyes shut,

dreaming 



Frozen cotton

taken into the void–







Romance

and pessimism,



hand in hand silence;



pulsating
in the center star 

[rowens]

No more whole
than empty–
pulsating in the center star

Or, 

No less whole
than empty–
pulsating the center star



Hand in hand silence,
eyes shut,
dreaming 

Frozen cotton
taken into the void–

in or to

Romance
and pessimism,

hand in hand silence;

pulsating
in the center star

Or,

hand in hand;

in the center star




That's what occurred to me. 

[Semicircle]

No more whole
than empty–
pulsating in the center star

Or, 

No less whole
than empty–
pulsating the center star



Hand in hand silence,
eyes shut,
dreaming 

Frozen cotton
taken into the void–

in or to

Romance
and pessimism,

hand in hand silence;

pulsating
in the center star

Or,

hand in hand;

in the center star




That's what occurred to me. 

Thank you Rowens, your tips always sharpen my work.

I have a bit to learn from you when it comes to critiqueing.

[brynmawr1]

No more
than empty–
pulsating the center star

Hand in hand silence,
dreaming                               "Hooded silence of dreams"   or "Blind silence" etc.

Frozen cotton
to the void–



Romance
and pessimism,

hand in hand;

pulsating
the center star

 No more whole

than empty–

pulsating in the center star



Hand in hand silence,

eyes shut,

dreaming 



Frozen cotton

taken into the void–







Romance

and pessimism,



hand in hand silence;



pulsating
in the center star 

Hi Semi,
Just one small suggestion if you wanted to keep the "eyes shut" connotation from the original.
Take care,
bryn

[Torkelburger]

No more
than empty–
pulsating the center star

Hand in hand silence,
dreaming 

Frozen cotton
to the void–



Romance
and pessimism,

hand in hand;

pulsating
the center star

 No more whole

than empty–

pulsating in the center star



Hand in hand silence,

eyes shut,

dreaming 



Frozen cotton

taken into the void–







Romance

and pessimism,



hand in hand silence;



pulsating
in the center star 

Hi SC,

I read a really interesting article just a few days ago by author Lauren Camp about poetry.  One of the suggestions she made in the article was to shorten and tighten "ing" verbs.  "Ing"s are too "kind" and apologetic, less effective than lean verbs.  She said to make your writing more "muscular" by not "ing-ing" around.  She admits you can't get rid of them all, of course, but to look for a balance.

So you might want to look at "emptiness pulses the center star" instead of "pulsating in the center star"; or "hand in hand, silence dreams".  I believe that is the idea.  I don't know how you feel about that.

I make this "mistake" all the time, especially when writing in forms that require a specific syllable count.  But I've written so much poetry lately, I can only fix this going forward as it would take too long to correct all my past errors.

[Semicircle]

No more
than empty–
pulsating the center star

Hand in hand silence,
dreaming 

Frozen cotton
to the void–



Romance
and pessimism,

hand in hand;

pulsating
the center star

 No more whole

than empty–

pulsating in the center star



Hand in hand silence,

eyes shut,

dreaming 



Frozen cotton

taken into the void–







Romance

and pessimism,



hand in hand silence;



pulsating
in the center star 

Hi SC,

I read a really interesting article just a few days ago by author Lauren Camp about poetry.  One of the suggestions she made in the article was to shorten and tighten "ing" verbs.  "Ing"s are too "kind" and apologetic, less effective than lean verbs.  She said to make your writing more "muscular" by not "ing-ing" around.  She admits you can't get rid of them all, of course, but to look for a balance.

So you might want to look at "emptiness pulses the center star" instead of "pulsating in the center star"; or "hand in hand, silence dreams".  I believe that is the idea.  I don't know how you feel about that.

I make this "mistake" all the time, especially when writing in forms that require a specific syllable count.  But I've written so much poetry lately, I can only fix this going forward as it would take too long to correct all my past errors.

Yeah, I agree with you. It's interesting learning which words hold better impact on people. Rowens made the point that "just' and 'but" are weak words. I used to use them a lot.

I say "uhh" because I have trouble organizing all my marbles before articulating them. Soft words are a defense mechanism.

Don't want to be flacid when it comes to language. I want to be raw and visceral.

I will revise now.

[Savvi]

No more
than empty–
emptiness pulsates the center star ......Makes me think of a black hole

Hand in hand silence,
silent dreams .....nice soft image 

Frozen cotton
to the void– ......void links well with silence



Romance
and pessimism,

hand in hand;

emptiness pulsates
the center star I like how you use this to turn the poem into a different direction

I understand this to be a comparison between the feelings around lost love and romance to the emptiness of a collapsing dead star, its brevity doesn't give the reader too many bread crumbs to follow but I enjoyed the read, on a personal note I prefer some elements of the original. Savvi