Dispersion

[Semicircle]

Land of lost and lonely,
home to the child rejects
behind the dusty bin.
Despite their pact
to stay in tact,
some couldn't fit in.
They created their own banners
and all ended up alone again.

[Magpie]

The land of the lost and lonely -- too many 'the'
was home to all rejects,
but some couldn't fit in.
They created their own lands, -- better word choice than 'lands'? to avoid repetition 
and somewhere down the line, -- cliche 
we all ended up alone again. -- i know what you're trying to do here with 'the reveal' but change from 'they' to 'we' doesn't                                                 work for me 

I feel that you could make the first stanza read less clumsily and more poetic

Land of lost and lonely
home to all rejects,  etc...

cheers for the read
mark

[Semicircle]

The land of the lost and lonely -- too many 'the'
was home to all rejects,
but some couldn't fit in.
They created their own lands, -- better word choice than 'lands'? to avoid repetition 
and somewhere down the line, -- cliche 
we all ended up alone again. -- i know what you're trying to do here with 'the reveal' but change from 'they' to 'we' doesn't                                                 work for me 

I feel that you could make the first stanza read less clumsily and more poetic

Land of lost and lonely
home to all rejects,  etc...

cheers for the read
mark

Thanks ambros, I was wondering if 'they' or 'we' worked better.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey Semi-
I'm afraid you miss the boat on this one.  It lacks any concrete details, or interesting imagery.

The land of the lost and lonely  more like a place in a fable: way too general. If it's like the land for lost boys in Peter Pan, I need something to describe it.
was home to all rejects, "rejects" is too broad a term: imagery needed: are they hopeless dope addicts; victims of severe abuse; disgruntled, shunned teens?. A description of the "home" is also needed.
but some couldn't fit in.  If it's home to ALL rejects, then ALL should fit in.  Either that, or there is another home for the rejected "rejects". A lot of 'telling' without 'showing' is killing this one.
They created their own lands, No idea who the rejected "they" are, or what "lands". Are the rejected rejects the ones that "created their own lands" ??  Where might that be.  Descriptions are needed: a land like the underbelly of an overpasss; an alley full of garbage cans; underground tunnels in the woods? 
and somewhere down the line,
we all ended up alone again.  don't know how "we" got here, because I have no clue where "they" are from, except for some vague "land of lost and lonely".

This one really needs something, anything, to grab on to.  I know this is the short form forum, but short still requires context.  Sorry if my comments seem harsh, but I know you can do better.  A lot better.

Mark

ps. I just saw your revision, yet my previous comments still apply.

[Semicircle]

Hey Semi-
I'm afraid you miss the boat on this one.  It lacks any concrete details, or interesting imagery.

The land of the lost and lonely  more like a place in a fable: way too general. If it's like the land for lost boys in Peter Pan, I need something to describe it.
was home to all rejects, "rejects" is too broad a term: imagery needed: are they hopeless dope addicts; victims of severe abuse; disgruntled, shunned teens?. A description of the "home" is also needed.
but some couldn't fit in.  If it's home to ALL rejects, then ALL should fit in.  Either that, or there is another home for the rejected "rejects". A lot of 'telling' without 'showing' is killing this one.
They created their own lands, No idea who the rejected "they" are, or what "lands". Are the rejected rejects the ones that "created their own lands" ??  Where might that be.  Descriptions are needed: a land like the underbelly of an overpasss; an alley full of garbage cans; underground tunnels in the woods? 
and somewhere down the line,
we all ended up alone again.  don't know how "we" got here, because I have no clue where "they" are from, except for some vague "land of lost and lonely".

This one really needs something, anything, to grab on to.  I know this is the short form forum, but short still requires context.  Sorry if my comments seem harsh, but I know you can do better.  A lot better.

Mark

ps. I just saw your revision, yet my previous comments still apply.

I'll see what I can do, appreciate it Mark