The Stream by William Marsland.

[billy]

It was the wet spring of 67
from behind that big old willow tree.
Trembling at the thought
of you noticing me through
its weeping tentacles.
Trembling
because I hoped you would.

I saw you standing at the water’s edge
a seductive breeze
pushed against the floral print of your dress
Your outline excited me so much.
I hugged you
through the light-dappled leaves

You twirled, and swirled and danced
to and fro along the bank.
Unaware that I, though unmoving
also danced a step or two and then
the dancing stopped.
With arms outstretched
as though to catch the distant sun.
you stepped into the silvered cool
till it lapped against the pertness of your breasts

My eyes and thoughts transfixed.
I hugged that tree so tight
no subtle thought of mine
had room to breathe
as closer to the bank you came
then splash! And splash! Again.
You sat within the willow's reach
and splashing, called my name.

[wunderkind]

Hi billy,

Reading the poem, I thought it was a beautiful scene. I like how it's about the past, and that you and that other person were the only characters... really intimate and nostalgic.

It was the wet spring of 67
from behind that big old willow tree. (I'm not sure, but I think "big old" sounds a bit hokey; most old willow trees are big anyway, so maybe removing "big" would improve the tone)
Trembling at the thought
of you noticing me through
its weeping tentacles.
Trembling
because I hoped you would.

I saw you standing at the water’s edge
a seductive breeze
pushed against the floral print of your dress
Your outline excited me so much.
I hugged you
through the light-dappled leaves


You twirled, and swirled and danced (imo, the word "danced" could be removed from this line without much being lost, and it would make the stanza as a whole less repetitive)
to and fro along the bank.
Unaware that I, though unmoving
also danced a step or two and then
the dancing stopped.
With arms outstretched
as though to catch the distant sun.
you stepped into the silvered cool
till it lapped against the pertness of your breasts

My eyes and thoughts transfixed.
I hugged that tree so tight
no subtle thought of mine
had room to breath (should be "breathe", I think)
as closer to the bank you came
then splash! And splash! Again. (I like the use of sound effects here)
You sat within the willows (willow's) reach
and splashing, (maybe another word for "splash" could be used here) called my name.

That's a woman, right? Only joking. I can't comment on the poem's substance, just a few style and grammar things. Nice one.

[billy]

Great feedback WK.

thanks for the grammar points. and your other remarks.
i'll use them when i do an edit this week.

the first danced can def go as can big in the first stanza.

i'll think about the splashing but not sure because here i was going for repetitive.

anyway. thanks again for the good feedback

[addy]

Very picturesque

It was the wet spring of 67
from behind that big old willow tree.
Trembling at the thought
of you noticing me through
its weeping tentacles. don't really like weeping tentacles as a descriptor... to me it sounds like a bog. But maybe that's just a taste thing
Trembling
because I hoped you would.

I saw you standing at the water’s edge
a seductive breeze
pushed against the floral print of your dress
Your outline excited me so much. I like the word outline, but... I wish I could explain why the rest of this line sounds clumsy to me. maybe that was intentional, to sound straightforward and awkward?
I hugged you
through the light-dappled leaves Liked this line

You twirled, and swirled and danced
to and fro along the bank.
Unaware that I, though unmoving
also danced a step or two and then Did you mean that you danced metaphorically, or you were unmoving metaphorically? I don't think you can dance and not move
the dancing stopped.
With arms outstretched
as though to catch the distant sun.
you stepped into the silvered cool
till it lapped against the pertness of your breasts

My eyes and thoughts transfixed.
I hugged that tree so tight
no subtle thought of mine
had room to breathe
as closer to the bank you came
then splash! And splash! Again.
You sat within the willow's reach
and splashing, called my name. Loved this ending

[billy]

i see what you mean about tentacles addy.

and yes he was dancing with her in his imagination.
as always, thanks for the feedback.