A Blues Guitarist

[Magpie]

A guitarist
searches for the perfect blue note
behind a slapped raw rhythm
and syncopated shotgun blasts
inside the melancholy of glass
on steel.

second version

A blues guitarist
searches for the perfect blue note
behind an electric African rhythm
and syncopated shotgun blasts
amongst the melancholia of glass
on steel.


original version

A Blues Guitarist

The whole room shakes,
dancing in time
to a blues guitarist
sat on an old wooden stool,
feet stomping on an old wooden floor.

Rocking - in a trance
fiery fingers patrol the fretboard
while an electric rhythm hand slaps out
an African bassline

- punctuated
by the melancholic cries of glass on steel
and syncopated shotgun blasts
-- the clashing of frets.

Lost inside a hypnotic riff
nailed to a groove
he searches for that gorgeous
blue note.




first thing i've wrote in ages so bit rusty and any comments would be helpful, wonder if it's worth pursuing further, cheers

[Knot]

.
Hi Mark.

It's not quite coming together, for me (clashing of frets is a particular worry )

Given the title, it feels a bit overwritten.  If you'll allow a somewhat drastic bit of cutting, then ...

The whole room shakes,
dancing in time
to a blues guitarist
sat on an old wooden stool,
feet stomping on an old wooden floor.
I don't think you need any of this, you're setting a scene that never develops?  Why bother?  


... what remains is


Rocking -

while an electric rhythm hand slaps out
an African bassline, his fiery (...) fingers
patrol the fret-board .....................................given he's 'searching' is 'patrol' the right word?

- punctuated -

by the melancholia of glass
on steel
and syncopated shotgun blasts

- he searches
for that gorgeous blue note.


fiery (apart from the alliterative problem, doesn't sound like something you'd say of a blues guitarist, though I'm happy to be corrected.)

Lost inside a hypnotic riff
nailed to a groove
Pretty much saying the same thing twice?

gorgeous
gotta be something better than this.


Now, that being said, and me being happily ignorant of the blues, I'd be tempted to start where you end.  So


A Blues Guitarist


searches for that one blue note
amongst the melancholia of glass
on steel, the syncopated
shotgun blasts, the electric
rhythm that slaps out
an African bassline
...


Definitely worth pursuing, especially if you can fit a blues rhythm to it.


Best, Knot


.

[Magpie]

Many thanks Knot, you've reminded me to be more minimal again, it's easy to forget.

I like your suggestion of how to start the poem, i've posted an edit. i've changed the order because the place you'll find the .'blue note' is in the 'melancholia of glass on steel', nice phrase cheers

As regards 'fiery hands', Reverend Gary Davis has a tune where he sings "i got fiery fingers and i got fiery hands and when i get on up to heaven i'm gonna join the fiery band" and he's blues so i thought it would be a common idea but i checked it out and it's not.

some of the repetition was intentional trying to imitate a blues lyric but i can see how it didn't work.

cheers for your thoughts, it's been a big help

mark

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey Mark. Enjoyed the revision. A few thoughts...

A blues guitarist
searches for the perfect blue note
behind an electric African rhythm
and syncopated shotgun blasts
amongst the melancholia of glass I'm wondering if "melancholia" over "melancholy" might add a dimension beyond the original intent. Either way I think you could improve on "amongst." 
Would prefer the guitarist was

drunk on the melancholia
or basking in the melancholia
or wailing to the melancholia

or anything that adds rather than fills. (hope that make sense) Feels as though glass on steel is the climax and "amongst" sounds a passive way to surrender to it.
on steel.


previous version

A Blues Guitarist

The whole room shakes,
dancing in time
to a blues guitarist
sat on an old wooden stool,
feet stomping on an old wooden floor.

Rocking - in a trance
fiery fingers patrol the fretboard
while an electric rhythm hand slaps out
an African bassline

- punctuated
by the melancholic cries of glass on steel
and syncopated shotgun blasts
-- the clashing of frets.

Lost inside a hypnotic riff
nailed to a groove
he searches for that gorgeous
blue note.




first thing i've wrote in ages so bit rusty and any comments would be helpful, wonder if it's worth pursuing further, cheers

[Knot]

.
Hi Mark

i've changed the order because the place you'll find the .'blue note' is in the 'melancholia of glass on steel', nice phrase cheers
Like I said, happily ignorant

As regards 'fiery hands', Reverend Gary Davis has a tune where he sings "i got fiery fingers and i got fiery hands and when i get on up to heaven i'm gonna join the fiery band" and he's blues so i thought it would be a common idea but i checked it out and it's not.
I wonder if he meant 'fiery' in the sense of passionate, rather than, as it read in your original, fast?

The revision is, I think, an improvement, but you do seem to have lost some of that original energy, it feels a bit static.  Cutting 'slaps' (with its percussive connotations, energy and violence) weakens the piece, for me.  Struggling also to imagine what 'electric African rhythm' is.  I think what you have was a good starting point, but it needs developing.  Also, what happens when the note is found?

Best, Knot

.

[Magpie]

Thanks for the feedback Paul and Knot, all good points to consider. A reworking will be coming soon.

Knot - i was originally going to go with 'slaps out an alternating bassline' which would be technically correct for the blues but i was trying to go for a more raw, primitive sounding blues, but i can understand how it may distract. as regards what happens when you find the blue note, ermmm good point, i know what they are and then i just googled it and now and just learnt loads of other stuff, it seems to be a naturally learnt scale beyond the normal notes so that ties in with the primitive idea, i would just need a better way of expressing it.

Cheers 
mark

[Wavey]

Not sure if my previous reply went through..but i suffer from anxiety and depression and for some unexplainable reason this piece resonates with me and it gave me a sense of peace. Thanks for posting

[Magpie]

Not sure if my previous reply went through..but i suffer from anxiety and depression and for some unexplainable reason this piece resonates with me and it gave me a sense of peace. Thanks for posting

Thanks, but not sure that this is going to count as feedback by the moderators. Is there any part of the poem where you think there is room for improvement or any grammatical errors etc. Giving feedback and critique is hard at first but trust me, it will be worth it in the end.

Cheers for reading
mark

[rowens]

Simple can be easy and better:

You could simply say

behind a rhythm that's raw
and syncopated shotgun blasts

[TranquillityBase]

Coming in on this discussion late, but anyway:

I like both versions. You do lose a lot of wonderful lines, what is almost an epic quality in the first version with the revision, I think.  A few notes on both:

A blues guitarist
searches for the perfect blue note      I think you could lose this second "blue"
behind an electric African rhythm
and syncopated shotgun blasts
amongst the melancholia of glass       just doesn't fit the vocabulary of the poem, to my ear; just "inside the melancholia.."?
on steel.


previous version

A Blues Guitarist

The whole room shakes,
dancing in time
to a blues guitarist
sat on an old wooden stool,
feet stomping on an old wooden floor.

Rocking - in a trance
fiery fingers patrol the fretboard
while an electric rhythm hand slaps out
an African bassline

- punctuated
by the melancholic cries of glass on steel
and syncopated shotgun blasts
-- the clashing of frets.

Lost inside a hypnotic riff
nailed to a groove
he searches for that gorgeous
blue note.

Gotta say I really like the "lost poem".  It takes a stanza or two to grab you, but by s. 3 I was hooked.

Tim

[Magpie]

Thanks Rowens and Tim for the good suggestions, i've wrote another version incorporating them.

As regards 'blue note' it is somewhat essential to the poem https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_note  
so i dropped the first blue because it is also the title and i think it still works that way.

as for the original version i suppose it was my attempt at an ekphrastic poem like Langston Hughes 'Weary Blues', i think that will be something that i will work on separately as there are some good parts to it.

many thanks
mark