Posts: 254
Threads: 137
Joined: Feb 2022
Carbonated darkness
where the wire strains
and jaws quiver,
the drawer opens
just a sliver.
Cave interlopers
cascading whispers
on tender hairs,
trying to lure me into
waking nightmares.
Elongated arms
poised over: a mantis;
fully open drawer,
covers strung amiss.
Swiftly carried
under a pool so deep;
the demon I tried to ward away
already knew--
I was asleep.
1.) Edit
Carbonated darkness
where the wire strains
and jaws quiver,
the drawer opens
just a sliver.
Cave interlopers
cascading whispers
on tender hairs,
luring me into
waking nightmares.
Elongated arms
poised over: a mantis;
fully open drawer,
scratches along the floor.
People screaming
in the sack,
demon's got me,
can't come back.
Posts: 894
Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
(03-12-2022, 02:23 PM)Semicircle Wrote: Carbonated darkness
where the wire strains
and jaws quiver,
the drawer opens
just a sliver.
Cave interlopers
cascading whispers
on tender hairs,
trying to lure me into
waking nightmares.
Elongated arms
poised over, like a mantis;
fully open drawer,
covers strung amiss. I like how this poem develops, except for this single line. I expected something more startling here.
Swiftly carried
under a pool so deep;
the demon I tried to ward away
already knew-- why the double hyphens here...is a long pause wanted before final line?
I was asleep.
I've been re-reading this along with some of your later/earlier stuff. Your poems are kind of like Dali paintings (e.g. the melting watches, etc). They evoke moods, usually a kind of everyday horror. At least that's my reaction.
Posts: 1
Threads: 0
Joined: Mar 2022
There's a great sense of assonance running through the poem that's exciting to read and contributes to, what I thought was, a dreamlike atmosphere. At times the abstractness made it frustrating to follow, especially when trying to connect the stanzas and draw the theme out of it, though it definitely allowed for some awesome lines ("carbonated darkness" will probably bounce around my head while I'm trying to sleep).
Posts: 326
Threads: 90
Joined: Apr 2013
(03-12-2022, 02:23 PM)Semicircle Wrote: Carbonated darkness - not sure what carbonated darkness is but I like the imagery in the first three stanzas
where the wire strains
and jaws quiver,
the drawer opens
just a sliver.
Cave interlopers
cascading whispers
on tender hairs,
trying to lure me into - do you need 'trying'?
waking nightmares.
Elongated arms
poised over, like a mantis; - think this line would be better with the simile as a metaphor
fully open drawer,
covers strung amiss. - agree with TqB on this line
Swiftly carried
under a pool so deep;
the demon I tried to ward away
already knew--
I was asleep. - this last stanza seems out of place with the rest of the poem and it's inventive imagery. It seems like you've done this stanza quickly to explain the previous three, I don't think it needs it.
Hi, the odd imagery is what makes this poem readable. I don't understand 'carbonated darkness' but because you are describing an altered reality then I think it works really well.
Cheers for the read,
Mark
wae aye man ye radgie
Posts: 254
Threads: 137
Joined: Feb 2022
Thanks for the critiques fine sirs,
edits down below.
Posts: 894
Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
(03-12-2022, 02:23 PM)Semicircle Wrote: 1.) Edit
Carbonated darkness
where the wire strains
and jaws quiver,
the drawer opens
just a sliver.
Cave interlopers
cascading whispers
on tender hairs,
luring me into
waking nightmares.
Elongated arms
poised over: a mantis;
fully open drawer,
scratches along the floor.
People screaming
in the sack,
demon's got me,
can't come back.
While I kind of miss the original final stanza, this new one does fit the poem better. Like the change to stanza 3 too.
TqB
