Insomnia

[RiverNotch]

I dream the same, but now I treat
the ones where I am loved by one
who loves me like how I love them
as nightmares. How am I to sleep
knowing that I might have to run
chased by a beast just out of frame
or chasing one who sublimates
the moment sunlight strikes my face?

[Kerbonzo_beenz]

I dream the same, but now I treat
the ones where I am loved by one
who loves me like how I love them
as nightmares. How am I to sleep
knowing that I might have to run
chased by a beast just out of frame
or chasing one who sublimates
the moment sunlight strikes my face?

Firstly, new to critique so--
take it with a grain of salt.

It looks like you were trying to keep all the sentences
at the same length, which is a nice change of pace
what with all the wonky space poetry usually presented 
on this site.
Maybe it takes away from the poem a little, I don't know

I found that first bit a little long winded.

[busker]

I dream the same, but now I treat
the ones where I am loved by one
who loves me like how I love them. ….. this line doesn’t scan well. “Like I love them xxxx” fits the meter better 

as nightmares. How am I to sleep
knowing that I might have to run …. Can lose the ‘that’
chased by a beast just out of frame
or chasing one who sublimates ….’after’ instead of ‘chasing’?
the moment sunlight strikes my face?

The dilemma isn’t convincing enough

[RiverNotch]

thanks for the reads!

@Kerbonzo_beenz i think by same length, you mean metrical? a lot of people here do that, although the one who's produced many of my favorites is unfortunately deceased (RIP Leanne). there are a lot of resources on forms and meter recommended on this site, here's one i started with way back: http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-10501...ht=prosody

i would bump learning about prosody and forms from "recommended" to "required" at this point, as you'll find yourself using those terms a lot, or at least having to relate to writers who think that way, even if their verse is the freest and most experimental verse there is. an example i like to put out, as always, is Louise Gluck, whose earliest books often included stuff with meter -- eventually, she abandoned meter, but I'm sure (and judging by my experience, perhaps even know) that her command of free verse often comes from her understanding of how meter and such was and still is used to standardize or even manipulate emotion. a more specific, if to the uninitiated arcane, example: there's a reason why ending on a stressed syllable is called "masculine", and unstressed "feminine", aside from patriarchy xD

[rowens]

I dream the same, but now I treat
the ones where I am loved by one
who loves me like how I love them
as nightmares. How am I to sleep
knowing that I might have to run
chased by a beast just out of frame
or chasing one who sublimates
the moment sunlight strikes my face?


I rewrote this one, and never it showed to you.

You, Rivernotch, seem like the kind of guy who would do good to stretch things out.