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05-07-2021, 04:54 PM
(This post was last modified: 10-13-2021, 05:02 PM by RiverNotch.)
The Second Comin's a carrion bird circlin
high above yer head.
Step out o' the shade an' strain yer neck,
you'll see it's there: God never left.
The gyre enfolds you. Pestilence, war,
famine: yer breath knocked out
like you were trampled by horses, like you'd forgot
yer still standin with yer head bent back
an' the crow snatches out an eye
to the timeless tune o' Jesus Chariot
stuck in yer head. A big red rooster
slouches towards his city to be born:
yer blood its comb, yer cries its crows---
Lord, would my house grow legs and go!
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(05-07-2021, 04:54 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: The Second Comin's a carrion bird circlin
high above yer head.
Step out o' the shade an' strain yer neck,
you'll see it's there: God never left.
The gyre enfolds you. Pestilence, war,
famine: your breath knocked out
like you were trampled by horses, like you'd forgot
you're still standin with yer head bent back
an' the crow snatches out an eye
to the timeless tune o' Jesus Chariot
stuck in yer head. A big red rooster
slouches towards his city to be born:
yer blood its comb, yer cries its crows---
Lord, would my house grow legs and go!
I liked the little neighborhood you've created in my head, can really visualize it.
This deserves some more attention, definitely.
I have one question, does the rooster represent the reader?
After being stuck inside the city so long--
never really growing up or learning sagnificantly
but trapped, and has no where to go?
If it is, props to you, if not
I feel like that could be more of a main plot point you could be getting across.
Maybe you could elaborate a little more on that area as it is,
maybe not, I like the ambiguity of your poem.
It made me read a couple times over to appreciate it fully.
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(05-07-2021, 04:54 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: The Second Comin's a carrion bird circlin
high above yer head.
Step out o' the shade an' strain yer neck,
you'll see it's there: God never left.
The gyre enfolds you. Pestilence, war,
famine: your breath knocked out
like you were trampled by horses, like you'd forgot
you're still standin with yer head bent back
an' the crow snatches out an eye
to the timeless tune o' Jesus Chariot
stuck in yer head. A big red rooster
slouches towards his city to be born:
yer blood its comb, yer cries its crows---
Lord, would my house grow legs and go!
I’m struggling to remember what happened in May. Did things fall apart somewhere in the world?
The rough beast slouching towards Bethlehem is a rooster….and the Falcón is a vulture
It’s ok insofar as parody goes….or maybe not. I’m missing the point here.
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Thanks for the reads! I don't even remember what happened in May. I remember writing this with some genuine emotion or point, but getting distracted by the form. I guess now it *is* a parody xD
yer is "your" or "you're", so it's whoever the speaker addresses. up to you if that's the reader or someone else. 
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Hey 'notch-
Seems to be a Petrachan sonnet, without the rhyme scheme, alluding to the biblical apocyalypse/rapture; the sestet provides a resolution that could be stronger.
If I take this as a whole and don't get hung up on the (confusing) details, I'm OK with it.
I would note that if yer gonna stick with "yer" then you need to be consistent, as you have a "your" and "you're" in there.
The Second Comin's a carrion bird circlin
high above yer head.
Step out o' the shade an' strain yer neck,
you'll see it's there: God never left.
The gyre enfolds you. Pestilence, war,
famine: your breath knocked out
like you were trampled by horses, like you'd forgot
you're still standin with yer head bent back my favorite two lines
an' the crow snatches out an eye
to the timeless tune o' Jesus Chariot Song by Neil Young, which is his version of "..Coming 'round the Mountain"
stuck in yer head. A big red rooster from the song- "we'll kill the big red rooster when she comes"
slouches towards his city to be born:
yer blood its comb, yer cries its crows---
Lord, would my house grow legs and go! These last two lines need to add more punch
If I listen to the song (She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain") this piece makes more sense.
Interesting how that tune went from its origins as a hymn to a secular version. Yer version, as a poem, seems somewhere in the middle.
Mark
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Enjoyed the read. The title is a puzzler.
Is this the tune?
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(10-10-2021, 12:40 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: Enjoyed the read. The title is a puzzler.
Is this the tune?
Hey Tim-
I believe yer correct
Mark
Quote: The title is a puzzler.
I think that May 2021 was when the Delta variant began to take hold: a sort of "second coming".
General news blurb:
The Delta variant is a variant of SARS-CoV-2, the virus that causes COVID-19. It was first detected in India in late 2020. The Delta variant was named on 31 May 2021 and had spread to over 163 countries by 24 August 2021.
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10-13-2021, 05:05 PM
(This post was last modified: 10-13-2021, 05:08 PM by RiverNotch.)
thanks for the reads. quickly edited that bit about yers. yeah, it's based on that song -- the whole album is great by the way xD
figures this was related to covid. haven't a clue what it ought to move to, with regards to the last bit -- bet that ending was written as such cuz i just couldn't think of something. or maybe i should make like shakespeare in one of his sonnets and just cut out the last two lines? what do y'all think?
oh, afaik Neil Young's version is "older": "She'll Be Coming Round the Mountain" was originally a hymn, "When the Chariot Comes", and it's more the hymn that Neil Young based his version on.
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