The Plant of Joy

[Brian Roberts]

The sun is hatched, its yoke half-bared,
corralling minions from their roost,
That tarp of dark hung grand to spare
the flooded eye from light's dour truth.
Decamp! and rouse a pliant stem,
I suckle on paralysis,
and tithing to the poppy's phlegm,
On teats of steel my soul subsists.
I would not fling this solar cyst
into Inferno's deepest pit

[Knot]

.
Hi Brian,
I think this gets a little lost under its own imagery and the demands of rhyme (or possibly it's just me)

The sun is hatched, its yoke half-bared, .......... like the pun, but 'half-bared'? (and do yokes corral?)
corralling minions from their roost,
That tarp of dark hung grand to spare
the flooded eye from light's dour truth. ........... where's the rest of this sentence? That tarp of dark ... what?
Decamp, and rouse a pliant stem- ...................Is 'decamp' an injunction, and if so, to whom (or should it be 'decamps' - the action of 'that tarp'?)

(leave a space, this reads like a separate verse)
I suckle on paralysis,
and tithing to the poppy's phlegm, ................ don't understand 'and'.
On teats of steel my soul subsists. ................. why 'steel' (apart from the alliteration) and not, say, 'iron'
I would not fling this solar cyst
into Inferno's deepest pit


The final line seems to come out of nowhere, nevertheless, a suggestion
on teats of steel my soul subsists
and I'd not fling this solar cyst
into Inferno's pit.


Best, Knot


.

[Brian Roberts]

.
Hi Brian,
I think this gets a little lost under its own imagery and the demands of rhyme (or possibly it's just me)

The sun is hatched, its yoke half-bared, .......... like the pun, but 'half-bared'? (and do yokes corral?) 
corralling minions from their roost,
That tarp of dark hung grand to spare
the flooded eye from light's dour truth. ........... where's the rest of this sentence? That tarp of dark ... what?
Decamp, and rouse a pliant stem- ...................Is 'decamp' an injunction, and if so, to whom (or should it be 'decamps' - the action of 'that tarp'?) Yes, Decamp is an injunction, addressed to the sun. I need to make it more clear.

(leave a space, this reads like a separate verse)
I suckle on paralysis,
and tithing to the poppy's phlegm, ................ don't understand 'and'.
On teats of steel my soul subsists. ................. why 'steel' (apart from the alliteration) and not, say, 'iron' I'm referring to the surgical steel of a hypodermic needle, thus "iron" wouldn't work.
I would not fling this solar cyst
into Inferno's deepest pit


The final line seems to come out of nowhere, nevertheless, a suggestion
on teats of steel my soul subsists
and I'd not fling this solar cyst
into Inferno's pit.


Best, Knot


.

Knot,
I appreciate the review, your taking time to read and critique my poem. It was well-rendered and thoughtful, and gave me much to consider moving forward with edits.

[TranquillityBase]

Brian,

I really enjoyed this one.  I'm still sorting it out, but I just wanted to give it a big thumbs up.

A couple of first impression notes:  "poppy's phlegm" is too disgusting for me.  You use the word "tarp" maybe too frequently (historically speaking).

TqB

[Knot]

.

Hi Brian,

just to say I'd not have made the leap from 'teat' to 'syringe' - so thanks for the explanation. Quite a significant distinction between 'to draw from' and 'to force into', isn't it? (Suckle and poppy are, to me, more suggestive of an opium pipe, not a syringe).

However it got me wondering about the order of the piece.

Just a suggestion

I suckle on paralysis,

and tithing to the poppy's phlegm,

On teats of steel my soul subsists.

The hatching sun, its yoke half-bared,

corrals [whose?] minions from their roost,

That tarp of dark hung grand to spare

the flooded eye from light's dour truth.

Decamp, and rouse a pliant stem-

I would not fling this solar cyst

into Inferno's deepest pit

Best, Knot

ps. Why would things that are roosted need corralling?

.

[Brian Roberts]

Brian,

I really enjoyed this one.  I'm still sorting it out, but I just wanted to give it a big thumbs up.

A couple of first impression notes:  "poppy's phlegm" is too disgusting for me.  You use the word "tarp" maybe too frequently (historically speaking).

TqB

tqb,
Thanks for the reply. I always enjoy your input. I can imagine "phlegm" inspires a revulsion, as it is a disgusting reference....and I am married to the word "tarp." I appreciate all your encouragement tqb.

---

.

Hi Brian,

just to say I'd not have made the leap from 'teat' to 'syringe' - so thanks for the explanation. Quite a significant distinction between 'to draw from' and 'to force into', isn't it? (Suckle and poppy are, to me, more suggestive of an opium pipe, not a syringe).

However it got me wondering about the order of the piece.

Just a suggestion

I suckle on paralysis,

and tithing to the poppy's phlegm,

On teats of steel my soul subsists.

The hatching sun, its yoke half-bared, I like this, thanks

corrals [whose?] minions from their roost, I could change "corrals" to "commove" or "disturb" to keep with the iambic tetrameter, but I need a better word than those 2.

That tarp of dark hung grand to spare

the flooded eye from light's dour truth.

Decamp, and rouse a pliant stem-

I would not fling this solar cyst

into Inferno's deepest pit

Best, Knot

ps. Why would things that are roosted need corralling?

.

Thanks, Knot....the first 2 lines need revising, to be sure. Not to get graphic, but there is a "milking" process when injecting heroin or any opiate. Like Neil Young said, "Milk blood to keep from running out." Also, the drug must be "milked" from the cotton in the spoon.....

[Knot]

.

Hi Brian.

but there is a "milking" process when injecting heroin or any opiate.

Happy to defer to your superior knowledge on this (but 'teats'?. And is it accurate to say 'my soul subsists on' them, rather than what flows through them? Might be worth revisiting that line so that it describe the consequences of the previous two, not the delivery mechanism (which is largely a repeat of 'suckle', if I've understood correctly, and so doesn't add much)

That said,

I suckle on paralysis,

imbibing of the poppy's phlegm

through steel teats. My soul adrift.

I could change "corrals" to "commove" or "disturb" to keep with the iambic tetrameter, but I need a better word than those 2.

There's quite a distinction between 'corrals' and 'commove'/''disturb' (the former is practically the opposite of the latter(s)). Perhaps a 'clearer' rather than a 'better' (whatever that is) word? Ejects, maybe? Though I like disturb, the way it threads with dark and decamp and (almost) deepest. And there's always unseats.

And, with regards to meter, I'm no expert, but your line six seems to be dimeter (trimeter at a stretch), not tetrameter

i SUCKle on paRALysis

Gotta agree with TqB about 'tarp' - looking more and more like a word from a different poem. Perhaps you'd consider 'pall' instead? (After all, it's where the missing part of 'tarp' comes from).

plants, suckling, eggs and tarp. Might there be one too many?

Best, Knot

.

[Brian Roberts]

.

Hi Brian.

but there is a "milking" process when injecting heroin or any opiate.

Happy to defer to your superior knowledge on this (but 'teats'?. And is it accurate to say 'my soul subsists on' them, rather than what flows through them? Might be worth revisiting that line so that it describe the consequences of the previous two, not the delivery mechanism (which is largely a repeat of 'suckle', if I've understood correctly, and so doesn't add much)

That said,

I suckle on paralysis,

imbibing of the poppy's phlegm

through steel teats. My soul adrift.

I could change "corrals" to "commove" or "disturb" to keep with the iambic tetrameter, but I need a better word than those 2.

There's quite a distinction between 'corrals' and 'commove'/''disturb' (the former is practically the opposite of the latter(s)). Perhaps a 'clearer' rather than a 'better' (whatever that is) word? Ejects, maybe? Though I like disturb, the way it threads with dark and decamp and (almost) deepest. And there's always unseats.

And, with regards to meter, I'm no expert, but your line six seems to be dimeter (trimeter at a stretch), not tetrameter

i SUCKle on paRALysis

Gotta agree with TqB about 'tarp' - looking more and more like a word from a different poem. Perhaps you'd consider 'pall' instead? (After all, it's where the missing part of 'tarp' comes from).

plants, suckling, eggs and tarp. Might there be one too many?

Best, Knot

.

Thanks Knot, you've been incredibly helpful. I look forward to reading some of your work. I read "Pandora's Jar" and was quite impressed with its examination of free will, the juxtaposition of animate vs. inanimate, the locus of blame, etc. I may have misread it entirely, though.....if I did, forgive. Nonetheless, I really enjoyed it. Thanks again.

Brian

[Poetry In Motion]

The sun is hatched, its yoke half-bared, (The metaphor "sun is hatched" fits nicely with this poem, good start!)
corralling minions from their roost, (Interesting, I like "yoke half bared")
That tarp of dark hung grand to spare
the flooded eye from light's dour truth.
Decamp, and rouse a pliant stem- (Creative, my advice is to get rid of the hyphen)
I suckle on paralysis, (How can you suckle on paralysis? What does that mean?)
and tithing to the poppy's phlegm, (Phlegm? Do you mean snot? Or some kind of sickness from the nose?)
On teats of steel my soul subsists.
I would not fling this solar cyst
into Inferno's deepest pit (What does this mean? Is there a meaning behind this?)

Hmm, I think there might be something really clever about this piece, mostly something to do with the choice of words. My mentioning of what the rest of the poem means is beyond my understanding but good luck in publishing this.

[Brian Roberts]

The sun is hatched, its yoke half-bared, (The metaphor "sun is hatched" fits nicely with this poem, good start!)
corralling minions from their roost, (Interesting, I like "yoke half bared")
That tarp of dark hung grand to spare
the flooded eye from light's dour truth.
Decamp, and rouse a pliant stem- (Creative, my advice is to get rid of the hyphen)
I suckle on paralysis, (How can you suckle on paralysis? What does that mean?)
and tithing to the poppy's phlegm, (Phlegm? Do you mean snot? Or some kind of sickness from the nose?)
On teats of steel my soul subsists.
I would not fling this solar cyst
into Inferno's deepest pit (What does this mean? Is there a meaning behind this?)

Hmm, I think there might be something really clever about this piece, mostly something to do with the choice of words. My mentioning of what the rest of the poem means is beyond my understanding but good luck in publishing this.

Thanks, Poetry in Motion, for reading this and reviewing the lines. I don't like to explain my poetry, as it deducts from the effect or mood I'm striving for, but its about opiate addiction...the narrator is overwhelmed with the sights and scenes that daylight reveals, hence his "flooded eye" is better fitted for the night, where he is effectively "blinded." The "poppy's phlegm" is the raw opium which is expectorated when the unripe poppy pods are cut. "Suckle on paralysis" refers to the death of emotion in the reveler upon opium or its derivaties(codeine, morphine, and heroin). At the end of the poem the narrator feels that this evil, this addictive, cruel "cyst" which has grown, would not be suited even for hell's worst punishment.

[dukealien]

Others have done well already, just one suggestion/observation -

Recognizing that plays on words are certainly in play here, did the author perhaps intend "yolk" (yellow inner part of an egg) rather than "yoke" (hitched oxen, or the hitching mechanism itself, or process of attaching it)?  Just from context, the sun, exposure, etc.?  Or the poem may have been speeding past that association, and I just missed it.