The Strike of Yesterday

[Poetry In Motion]

The strike was blinding me with guns and words.
One had the weapon immediately drawn from holster.
He found himself dancing with his fingers.
Round and round it went, toying his fingers like dolls.
The sky darkening and peculiar; the clouds circled around.
The man named Fat Wu who wore a hood saw the strike.
Was caught with people swearing and were angry like madmen.
So, when the strike was over
he wished he’d raise his gun again.
He wished he’d show defiance.

[CRNDLSM]

It's a courtesy to preview the post and make sure the reader gets what you want. Do you want all the font brackets?

[alonso ramoran]

Hi Poetry In Motion,

Reformatted for you in this critique. Before posting, I always make sure to remove formatting in the space above the post where all those formatting options are so my readers have a cleaner reading experience. That being said, some feedback:

The strike was blinding me with guns and words.

One had the weapon immediately drawn from holster. Is "immediately" the word you want? Maybe something like "already" instead to fit the passive voice of the sentence

He found himself dancing with his fingers.

Round and round it went, playing his fingers like dolls. I don't think this is easy to follow; is he playing his fingers around a gun? What does this mean/look like exactly? And how does the image suggested when the N compares his fingers to dolls work?

The sky darkening and peculiar, something stirred. Peculiar how?

The man (named Fan Wu) who wore a hood saw the strike. I think the parentheses aren't needed here

Was caught with people swearing and hissing like snakes. "Hissing like snakes" - cliche. I would expand on these sounds and really home in on the tension of this crowd so that it is more palpable to the reader

So, when the strike was over. Unsure why the choice was made to end every line with a period. In this line the choice gets in the way of enjoying the poem because it brings a full stop to a clearly dependent clause

He wished he’d raise his gun again.

He wished he’d show defiance.

You have solid content to work with, but I think the poem's stylistic choices (like the periods) and lack of original, coherent imagery hinder it from being a better work.

Thank you for sharing,
Alex

[Poetry In Motion]

Hi Poetry In Motion,

Reformatted for you in this critique. Before posting, I always make sure to remove formatting in the space above the post where all those formatting options are so my readers have a cleaner reading experience. That being said, some feedback:

The strike was blinding me with guns and words.

One had the weapon immediately drawn from holster. Is "immediately" the word you want? Maybe something like "already" instead to fit the passive voice of the sentence

He found himself dancing with his fingers.

Round and round it went, playing his fingers like dolls. I don't think this is easy to follow; is he playing his fingers around a gun? What does this mean/look like exactly? And how does the image suggested when the N compares his fingers to dolls work?

The sky darkening and peculiar, something stirred. Peculiar how?

The man (named Fan Wu) who wore a hood saw the strike. I think the parentheses aren't needed here

Was caught with people swearing and hissing like snakes. "Hissing like snakes" - cliche. I would expand on these sounds and really home in on the tension of this crowd so that it is more palpable to the reader

So, when the strike was over. Unsure why the choice was made to end every line with a period. In this line the choice gets in the way of enjoying the poem because it brings a full stop to a clearly dependent clause

He wished he’d raise his gun again.

He wished he’d show defiance.

You have solid content to work with, but I think the poem's stylistic choices (like the periods) and lack of original, coherent imagery hinder it from being a better work.

Thank you for sharing,
Alex

Well I was trying to get the formatting right but it simply wouldn't work for me. It came out like this. I am sorry. 

Though thanks for the critique, I will work on this more.

[alonso ramoran]

Of course! No worries, you can always edit the post whenever you can to fix it. And sorry if I came off harsh or discouraging; your piece has potential but I feel you just gotta go deeper and experiment a bit more in your next draft but with a sharper sense of purpose and direction.

Good luck!

[Poetry In Motion]

Of course! No worries, you can always edit the post whenever you can to fix it. And sorry if I came off harsh or discouraging; your piece has potential but I feel you just gotta go deeper and experiment a bit more in your next draft but with a sharper sense of purpose and direction.

Good luck!

Thanks again!