Privilege

[flagthrower]

Privilege (working title)

everyone is waiting and working
to savor the sweet taste of strawberries 
on their lips.

kiss the memories of summer goodbye 
with the crack of a gun
that someone pulled from their holster.

but i will go on
slowly dipping berries in a little blue box of sugar -  
they are perfection.

[Knot]

.
Hi FT,
I get a bit lost in the second verse.
Who is 'kissing the memories' goodbye?
Do you need the third line? (What is the 'holster' and the unnamed 'someone' adding?)

And, just because that middle line in v3 looks too long (not forgetting that the third line of
v1 looks too short ) how about
but i will go on slowly
dipping berries in a blue box of sugar -
they are perfection.

Not sure how one might both 'wait and work to savour',
would
everyone is working and waiting
do?


Best, Knot


.

[rowens]

everyone is waiting and working


Play with the working. Or play with waiting or working. Together with the or.
Who is working? Who is waiting for a check? Maybe waiting for the man? 
Someone is doing something. Things. Why? 
Is a gunshot going to change all that?  



to savor the sweet taste of strawberries 
on their lips.


To savor the taste of berries? 
Don't put too many words in someone's reading mouth. Unless you need to do. 
Strawberries are an image, that's true enough. There's a color you're planting among other associations. Sweet and taste are evident. What else could you do with those lines, in rhythm and content, without being redundant? 



kiss the memories of summer goodbye 

This poem is too slight for such an everyday expression. Contentwise. It's summer right now, after all. For me, anyway. 
Somebody gets shot every day. To make something as trivial as gun violence expunge an entire season requires a grander rhetoric. Especially if you're viewing things literally. 



with the crack of a gun
that someone pulled from their holster.

but i will go on

If you ask a question: Will I go on slowly dipping berries . . . ? You can save it a little from the reductionist pit.

slowly dipping berries in a little blue box of sugar -  
they are perfection.

The last line has appropriate coldness. The poem itself has no irony, no context to hold or guide other than topical fluff, no effect. 

What can be done?

The owls are not what they seem.

[TranquillityBase]

Privilege (working title)



everyone is waiting and working                  

to savor the sweet taste of strawberries       I'd suggest something more evocative than just "sweet"

on their lips.
instead of "everyone", a simple "we are..." maybe?  "waiting and working"  are they perhaps "working at waiting"?  anyway, linked with an "and" those two things seem contradictory



kiss the memories of summer goodbye 

with the crack of a gun

that someone pulled from their holster.      
seems like it would be more effective if the holster should come first, (the someone needs to be specified), and 
"kiss the memories...." should come as last line in stanza.  That said, first two lines of the stanza are my favorites.


but i will go on

slowly dipping berries in a little blue box of sugar -  excellent image

they are perfection.    how is it perfection?  

Hi flagthrower,

This is an interesting read.  As another member often reminds us (where are you Mark Becker?) short poems are the most difficult.  But you have a strong short poem here, if you can sharpen it up a bit.  Thanks for letting us see it.

[Erthona]

Flagthrower,Welcome to the site,


everyone is waiting and working

to savor the sweet taste of strawberries (cliche, but allowable)

on their lips. (cliche)



kiss the memories of summer goodbye (somewhat cliche: see "The Fantastics -Kiss the Day Goodbye")

with the crack of a gun (also a cliche)

that someone pulled from their holster. (unnecessary and does not add anything)



but i will go on (see Titanic, or rather the song) 

slowly dipping berries in a little blue box of sugar -  (full stop or maybe a semicolon)

they are perfection. (Maybe just "perfect".)



If "holster" (which is generic) is included to signify this is a cop's gun it doesn't do that. It would be better saying: "with the crack of a cops gun." Otherwise just leave line six off as it doesn't add anything and it disrupts the reading.

Please use correct typography. Not using capitols signifies nothing and is purely affectation, plus it makes the reading more difficult.

I think this is a good topic to explore, but all the cliches make it seem stale. Of course cliche could be used to point out White Privilege as it is unthinking, but that is not done here.

best

dale

[Semicircle]

Privilege (working title)

Everyone is waiting and working,
to savor the sweet taste of strawberries 
on their lips.

Kiss the memories of summer goodbye, 
with the crack of a gun,
that someone pulled from their holster.

But I will go on
slowly dipping berries in a little blue box of sugar -- 
they are perfection.

Without looking at the other comments I would say--
work on the second stanza,
I think some other metaphor would mesh better with the poem.